On People Who Don't Want To Handle Live Lobsters

Boyfriend: Dude, get over it. All of your food has been alive. Even your Cheetos. Especially your Cheetos.

Overheard from AngeliqueDaemon on her way home:

Girlfriend: There's nothing to do in an airport bar.
Boyfriend: Nothing you'd want to do, anyway. All you can really do is pick up Airport Bar Skanks, which are the lowest form of Bar Skanks besides your mom.

I DON'T think that's how it works..

Me: *looking at teeth in a little mirror*
Boyfriend: Don't worry, it'll fall out soon.
Me: *confused blink*
Boyfriend: Your tongue.
Me: O_O
Boyfriend: Then you'll grow your ADULT tongue! ^^

He... does?

Boyfriend: Bitch please! I make my own horsey noises!

I disagree...

Me: That's not technically cursive.
Boyfriend: Your letters are connected! That means they're FANCY!

I don't think they bleat...

Me: I'm hungry... but I'm lazy...
Boyfriend: Quick! Start bleating like an elk! Maybe one will come feed you!
Me: ... WHAT?!

... What?

Boyfriend's brother: Fuck you and your fancy koala money.
Boyfriend: I LIKE fancy koala money, because it's plastic!
Boyfriend's brother: Well that IS fancy.
Boyfriend's father: You gotta watch koala's, because they have poisonous barbs on the ends of their tails.

You have to ASK?!

Boyfriend: So I guess any plan of mine that starts with 'First we sharpen the spatula' is vetoed, huh?

Mangnish Weekend - The return of the wise man

Boyfriend: Like a wise man once said, "Mi cabeza esta una puntana."
Me: ... Because he confused his Spanish and Italian?
Boyfriend: Yes.

Does that make me Ansem?

Me: It's dark out! I don't need a hat!
Boyfriend's brother: The DARKNESS is your hat!

It's.... true...?

Me: *talking about a Lolth papercraft* She looks so PLEASED too.
Boyfriend: It's because she knows she's got junk in trunk.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: It's full of eggs...

So does it turn into noodle-spawn?

Boyfriend: I can't even eat something that's TOUCHED cold noodles! It's noodle-tainted!

That's NOT what that means!

Me: Polynomial!
Boyfriend: That's a gnome that goes either way.

He never did, mind you

Me: When did we get old, baby?
Boyfriend: We're not old, we're just frugal.
Me: .... What? That doesn't... Explain what that even means!
Boyfriend: ...
Me: You can't, can you?
Boyfriend: I can! Just... give me a minute...

I knew what he meant...

Me: *at the end of the KH3D trailer* It says March 2012! It's April!
Boyfriend's brother: It's March in Japan... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Me: That's a HELL of a time difference.
Boyfriend: That international dateline is a BITCH!

This... doesn't really follow, does it?

Me: Why do you have to destroy my dreams!?
Boyfriend: Because I destroyed the coconut's dreams... of being a horse.

I don't know what he is anymore...

Me: *to bf's brother* You're a scholar and a gentleman.
Boyfriend: I'm a squid and a jungle gym!
Me: You sure are...

Wait a minute...

Me: Does my hair look stupid? *shows off short, braided pigtails*
Boyfriend: You look SO German right now... like you should be walking through the Alps, holding mugs of hot chocolate.
Me: ... That's Swiss.
Boyfriend: Whatever, Germans have chocolate too.
Me: ... The Alps aren't even IN Germany!
Boyfriend: Well they WOULD have been, if Germany had won the war...

...Bortening?

Boyfriend: This spread is a combination of shortening and butter.
Boyfriend's brother: Shutter!
Boyfriend: Beep!
Boyfriend's brother: ...no, that'd be a combination of butter and sheep.

Sometimes we don't see eye to eye...

Boyfriend: I should have killed you.
Me: What?!
Boyfriend: I said I love you.
Me: No you didn't! You said you should have killed me! Not only do you want me dead, you're lying to me! *sniff* I don't know what's worse!
Boyfriend: But that's what love is! What did YOU think it was?
Me: Being honest and NOT wanting someone dead!
Boyfriend: ... Yeah, I can see how that would work too.