I don't think that's a good motto...

Me: Oh, I didn't realize Iowa was quite that far out.
Boyfriend: Well Iowa IS surprising like that... It should be the state motto! "Iowa, we'll fucking sneak up on you!"

He apparently has trouble with sandwiches...

Boyfriend: *after eating a sandwich and drinking a glass of milk* You know... I went into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee...
Me: And made a pb and j sandwich and a glass of milk instead?
Boyfriend: Peanut butter, strawberry preserves, and pastrami... or maybe it was pepperoni... I don't know.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: It turns out I NEED the attention span the nicotine gives me.

Mangnish Weekend - I don't even know what he's talking about...

Boyfriend: I'm gonna open the... peccadilloes del pene de papaya.
Me: The peccadilloes of the penis of papaya?
Boyfriend: Yes.
Me: I don't remember buying that...

But... he says shit like that even WITHOUT the Nintendo...

Boyfriend: I love how old Nintendo games make you sound crazy, cause I'm like, "Aaaah! Fuck! Invisible birds in the sky!"

So you're saying... you went to Mickie D's?

TV: I had a heart attack AND a stroke!!!
Boyfriend: I had a heart attack, and a stroke, and some egg mcmuffins.

The omnipotent sandvich strikes again!

Boyfriend: I told you, I'm not in control of this sandwich. It calls the shots now.

Another reason not to let him cook...

Boyfriend: *looking very serious* I've lost control of this sandwich.