Friday, September 30, 2011

God I hope not!

Boyfriend: Sometimes I'm worried that my butt is developing a mind of its own, and it's going to outsmart me...

Thursday, September 29, 2011

It's true...

Boyfriend: Eye squids.
Me: No squids in my eyes.
Boyfriend: No, no, they wouldn't live in your eyes, they just have eyes on their tentacles instead of suction cups.
Me: ... So they'd be voyeur squids?
Boyfriend: They'd be the natural symbiote of the exhibitionist panda.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Nah, because then she'd give Pharaohs their powers...

Boyfriend: See, when they're talking about the Egyptian God Horus, that's really a mistranslation, what they mean is... your mom.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Uterus hat?

Me: I can't tell if it's localized cramps, or just general lower abdomen cramps.
Boyfriend: Aaw, I'm sorry.
Me: It's not your fault.
Boyfriend: It COULD be.
Me: ... Are YOU restricting blood flow to my lower intestines?
Boyfriend: I COULD be.
Me: .... So... you're... my uterus?
Boyfriend: Maybe... I wear a lot of hats.

Monday, September 26, 2011

I hate him sometimes...

Me: I like a good rye bread sammich sometimes, but I don't like for like, peanut butter, you know?
Boyfriend: I like a good rye sense of humor.
Me: *hate glare*
Boyfriend: This bread is HILARIOUS.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Mangnish Weekend - That doesn't really help...

Boyfriend: Muy gusta. *sees my pained look* What?
Me: I'm trying to think of how to explain to you how that's wrong.
Boyfriend: Oh... So should I have said, "Muy gusta con carne"?

Friday, September 23, 2011

Sometimes I'm crazy too...

Me: Oh no, puddi bandits!
Boyfriend: Of the Serengeti?
Me: Yeah... they lay in wait for passing caravans, and then when they see a ripe target, full of puddi, they strike. With a blood-curdling cry, they charge on their heavily armored war-camels, and strike like lightening, robbing everyone of their puddi, before escaping in the blink of an eye, leaving only a dust trail in their wake.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I wasn't aware that was a length of time...

Me: Well if he isn't coming over for a bit, then I might Gundam.
Boyfriend: I don't know when he'll be over, but I'm gonna say... a dildo.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: And that's a metric dildo, not a standard dildo.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The lotion Iuse smells vaguely of hamster bedding

Boyfriend: I'm gonna turn the AC back on, because I don't know about you, but I'm an arm pit.
Me: I just got out of the shower, so I'm smelling good... and vaguely of hamsters.
Boyfriend: You don't just smell good, you smell HAMSTER good.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Thank you Captain Obvious...

Boyfriend: If you have days where you urinate full grown goblin sharks, it's bad for you.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Squids are not reliable messengers

Me: *throws a washer like a Frisbee, which lands on the server perfectly* Awesome.
Boyfriend: Alright, two squids.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: We're measuring points in squids now.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: Didn't you get the memo?
Me: *shakes head*
Boyfriend: Well, it was attached to a squid so...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I have no idea what he's talking about...

Me: You know what I miss? Smoked cheese.
Boyfriend: And webbed feet.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: It's the south, everyone had webbed feet.
Boyfriend's brother: Except the frogs.
Boyfriend: Yeah, they just have feet covered in thumbs... and eyeballs.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Holy D&D reference Batman!

Me: Your FACE is the wrong shape.
Boyfriend: Your MOM is the wrong shape... she's whore-shape.
Me: Wouldn't that be the RIGHT shape, you know, for whores.
Boyfriend: Nah, she's the wrong shape even for whores, they all run in fear from her... though they worship her as a god from a distance.
Me: So she's like... the whore's Lolth?
Boyfriend: Yes... would that be Whoreth?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Wait... what?

Me: I dunno why I let my hair down, I have WAY too much stuff to do to take the time to brush and braid it.
Boyfriend: Maybe you're trying to attract the attention of a ghost.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: I dunno... Maybe there's a killer after you.

Monday, September 12, 2011

It's not just him...

Me: *failing an escort mission in DW: Gundam 3* GodDAMN it Uso! You spent your WHOLE life being told, "Don't jump in a field full of LASERS, lasers are BAD!" And what do you do? The second, the VERY SECOND you get the chance, you run STRAIGHT for the fucking lasers, to discover their delicious secrets!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The State reference ftw! I still didn't name the cat...

Me: No, I know what we need to do to get Shitbox to groom himself... but we'll need two hundred and fiddy dollahs worth of puddin'.
Boyfriend: ... And we'll throw it at a pet groomer until he grooms the cat for us?
Me: Yes.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I never think that, actually...

Me: So here's what I'm thinking...
Boyfriend: The destruction of eastern civilization includes a cunning plan of tying cucumbers to pigeons?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Even Disgaea has NO idea what you're talking about...

Boyfriend: You know what my favorite thing is? When the prinnies are covered in a thick coating of vanilla icing and you throw them at a German.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Just because.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Bacon DOES make everything better...

Boyfriend: What about UFO's covered in bacon? That way people would finally notice them.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: They'd just be UFO's, completely coated in bacon... UBO's... They'd be the most delicious objects from another world... Well, that and Arby's.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Shitbox is one of my cats... We didn't name him...

Boyfriend: *reading a website* Kitten in gravy.
Me: I don't think you should serve a kitten in gravy.... *thinks* WE COULD COAT SHITBOX IN GRAVY! THEN HE'LL ACTUALLY GROOM HIMSELF!!!
Boyfriend: I dunno...
Me: Or at least the OTHER cats would groom him, and that works too.
Boyfriend's brother: *dies*

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Oh the puns...

Boyfriend: *talking about Disgaea 3* Apparently the plants don't want more expensive stuff.
Me: Yeah well, they're broke, I mean, money doesn't grow on trees,you know?
Boyfriend: That IS the root of the problem.
Me: This conversation hurts me!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

It's a real word, look it up.

Me: *looking up words that will be removed from a dictionary* Flibbertigibbet!
Boyfriend: They're taking flibbertigibbet out of the dictionary?!
Me: No, no, it's just a random link on the page.
Boyfriend: Oh good, because if they were, we'd have words... and one of them would've been flibbertigibbet.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Relationship mittens are the warmest.

Me: We have a special relationship!
Boyfriend: Yep, helmet and all.
Me: Oh! And mittens! Little relationship mittens!
Boyfriend: Yes, our relationship mittens are pinned FIRMLY to our sleeves.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

It's true

Me: Well you're still gay.
Boyfriend: Your mom.
Me: That's it?
Boyfriend: I think your mom says enough stuff about her herself.