Monday, January 30, 2012

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Dark lord of the hoodie!

Me: I'm going to put my hood back up, because it's bright in here.
Boyfriend: Aaaaw! Who's my little Darth Snuggly?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

No, no it hasn't...

Boyfriend: I really, REALLY want to go shower...
Me: Then do so?
Boyfriend: I can't! Because then Judge Judy will sneak in and steal my penis!
Me: ... No.
Boyfriend: It's been known to happen!
Me: No, it hasn't.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Truer words were never spoken

Boyfriend: Declaring something the 'world's most dangerous shark', is like declaring something the 'world's most bulletiest gun'! They're ALL dangerous! Even the ones that AREN'T dangerous are dangerous!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Sorry, the days got away from me

Me: We need to get back on a normal sleeping schedule.
Boyfriend: Yes, but the point I was trying to make was... Teddy Roosevelt was a carpenter ant.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

No... just no...

Me: Kick! *kicks boyfriend*
Boyfriend: Oh no! I turn into a Bob Dole golem! It'd be called a Dolem... and it'd be made out of dolomite...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Dried squid usually HAS been pressed...

Boyfriend: I cleaned out the squid press.
Me: ... So you can press squids?
Boyfriend: Into squid coffee.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: You know, squid juice with just a little creamer in it.

Friday, January 20, 2012

If it was Chinese, would it be a moose?

Boyfriend: *trying to open a USB mouse* Get out of the plastic, you cheap Japanese whore!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Sabertooth tiger computers

Boyfriend: I'm still trying to discover all of the delicious computer secrets of the Smilodon.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

This is why I don't let him cook...

Me: Want a piece of salami?
Boyfriend: I guess, I mean we don't have any pumpkin pie, but...
Me: *stare* ... Ew...
Boyfriend: What? It makes perfect gastronomical sense. Salami goes with pumpkin pie, and pepperoni with coffee.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012


Boyfriend: Lemme have a piece of pepperoni.
Me: No.
Boyfriend: But what will I put in my coffee?
Me: ... Creamer?
Boyfriend: Creamer and pepperoni.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Sadly accurate

Boyfriend: *playing with new computer case* I don't even know what these do...
Me: I don't even know what your FACE does!
Boyfriend: It's like your mom, it doesn't do anything, it's just THERE, and makes loud noises.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Er... right...

Boyfriend: *singing* Who shall wear, the gerbil skulls, oh god, show me the way. Oh psychos let's go down...

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I don't think that's true...

TV: ... has weird sexual practices, the males lose their penis...
Boyfriend: Much like Republicans.

Friday, January 13, 2012

A petard is an explosive device...

Boyfriend: *playing minecraft, and blows himself up, launching him into the air* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I WAS JUST HOISTED BY MY OWN PETARD!!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I don't EVEN want to know...

Me: Babe, are you a serious infection?
Boyfriend: Nah, I'm more of a comedic infection... like getting a cut and having it get infected with Jerry Seinfeld.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? It's better than dick clowns.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Don't we all?

Boyfriend: I like my coffee, like I like my cats... full of cream and pressed through a fine sieve.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Delicious bribery...

Boyfriend's brother: *looking at a gingerbread house* I can see where light is passing through this roof, this gingerbread house wouldn't pass code!
Boyfriend: Yeah, you'd have to get in a bunch of little gingerbread contractors...
Me: They'd be delicious...
Boyfriend: And pay a bunch of little gingerbread bribes in order to get them to pass... it's just better to eat it.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Sadly, not.

Me: I think the next time I play through, I'm gonna play through as an elf.
Boyfriend: I think the next time I play through, I'm gonna play through as YOUR MOM!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Oh wait, there's no option to play through as an ogre.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

THE PUNS!!!!!!!

Boyfriend: *singing* When the eel hits you in the face, and bites all over the place, that's a moray~

Saturday, January 7, 2012

... Indeed?

Boyfriend: It's a vicious cycle... of a fish... a fishious cycle...

Friday, January 6, 2012

Don't forget piscine cats...

TV: I was chasing a feline cat.
Me: Yes, a FELINE cat, as opposed to a canine cat.
Boyfriend: Yes, you have to be specific, or else soon there'll be weasel cats, and badger cats, and airplane cats... and that's just not good for anybody.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

That's... creepy

Me: *talking about typing* Well I don't keep my fingers in the proper place, I move them around.
Boyfriend: Yeah, I usually keep them attached to my elbows.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? I move them around.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Monday, January 2, 2012

She's the REAL archdemon...

Boyfriend: What bothers me the most about the radial menu is your mother's a whore.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

And the new year starts with a butt...

Boyfriend: Butt swan.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? Butt swans are a major problem in this day and age.