Saturday, December 31, 2011

He's stuck on butt holes, because butt holes stuck on him?

Me: I am not using toothpaste on my ear holes.
Boyfriend: At least it's only your ears.
Boyfriend's brother: As opposed to what?
Boyfriend: Using it instead of hemorrhoid cream.
Me: No!
Boyfriend: MINTY FRESH BUTT HOLE!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Why is he obsessed with things in people's butts?

Boyfriend: I'm gonna shower.
Me: Mm hm
Boyfriend: In your butt.
Me: No.
Boyfriend: But it's like that old saying! "Butt showers bring what the hell are you doing?"

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Worst. Warhead. EVER!

Me: Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, my warhead punishes all.
Boyfriend: My warhead poops on cows.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dragon Age presets... why?

Boyfriend: I'm going to sit here and stare at you... because MY mustache is MUCH finer than yours... and you KNOW it... deep in your heart.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Sunday, December 25, 2011

I don't know either

Boyfriend: I guess that's for when you wanna call a duck, slather it in mayonnaise, and then shave it.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Mangninsh Weekends - No... no one says that...

Me: *petting the cat* Cat bothering... or as they say in Spanish, "Molestando la gata."
Boyfriend: Or as they say in Mexican, not Spanish, "El gato con sofa!"

Friday, December 23, 2011

He keeps calling me that, too...

Me: *playing Skyrim* Ham shank? HAM SHANK?! You're lucky you're fucking IMMORTAL right now, or else I'd KILL YOU NOW, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
Boyfriend: Aaw... poor Ham shank.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Lava sharks

TV: I return to a volcano... erupting with sharks!
Me: That does NOT sound like a good place to go!
Boyfriend: Are you picturing a volcano just spewing great whites everywhere?
Me: Yes! With their mouths just gaping open...
Boyfriend: And lava in their mouths.
Me: *contemplates the full horror of that* My mind, baby! It is blown.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Kinda does, actually...

Boyfriend: Pork ball... that sounds like a name your mother would have...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!!!

Me: *doing a Thieves' Guild quest* Take all the valuable items? WHY AREN'T YOU POINTING AT THE CHEESE?!
Boyfriend: *laughs* It's udderly gold!
Me: ... I hate you...

Monday, December 19, 2011

I wouldn't want to play in that campaign...

Boyfriend: The only thing that came to mind was a campaign of pokeman, and not translating what they said.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: It's just be a whole campaign of 'Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirt!'

Sunday, December 18, 2011

They'd be all squishy!

Me: I'm gonna do something to you.
Boyfriend: As long as it doesn't involve squids... or caltrops... or squidtrops.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Yes, we have no pregnant salsa

Boyfriend: Hey love, would you bring me that leftover jar of salsa... con... embarrassado?

Friday, December 16, 2011

They're not wooden, they're just... reserved...

Boyfriend: I'm... Dutch...
Me: You mean 'Dutch' as in German, or 'Dutch' as in wooden shoes?
Boyfriend: Wooden Germans.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Specificity helps A LOT!

Me: *hugs boyfriend*
Boyfriend: Your breath smells like seed.
Me: *stare* ...
Boyfriend: Fuck, what're they called... sesame seeds!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

That's the truck NO ONE wants to see...

Boyfriend: You know what bothers me about that commercial? It advertises DISCREET delivery... What? Do other companies pull up outside your house in the giant 'Pee-hole Stick Truck'?!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

What does that even sound like?!

Boyfriend: *hugging me and resting his ear on my head* I can hear you chewing.
Me: *eating a cracker* Mm.
Boyfriend: It sounds like a marble full of pee.
Me: *stops chewing*
Boyfriend: PeaS, dried peas! ... a balloon, not a marble... fuck!

Monday, December 12, 2011

None of that sounds appetizing...

Boyfriend: He sounds like he's trying to talk through a mouthful of oatmeal... and shit... shitmeal... or oatshit, either one.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Ain't that the truth?

Me: Well, have you thought about...
Boyfriend: *interrupts* Not much of anything.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

They're not similar at all!

Boyfriend: Oh yeah, I forgot Uggle-shlub-bluh-blub is at the college.
Me: ... What?!
Boyfriend: You know, Uggle-shlub-bluh-blub, the... transcendental meditationist.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Librarian! They're similar.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Thursday, December 8, 2011

I love Skyrim...

Video game: Huh? Who's there?
Boyfriend: Hi, my name's Dovah... Dovah Kiin. I'm new to the neighborhood. I just thought I'd stop by and SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Um... When is that, exactly?

Boyfriend: Every now and then, you just have to give into temptation, and attempt to ride an elk.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Because she's a cat?

Boyfriend: Mona, how are you so adorable sometimes when you're just a fat sack of pudding-covered fur?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Friday, December 2, 2011

It's true

Me: Shut up, I'm tired.
Boyfriend: Your mom's a tire.
Me: Heh, yeah.
Boyfriend: She's been around and around and around and around and around.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's not just him

Boyfriend's brother: Damn theoretical kids! Get off my imaginary lawn!