I don't know what he is anymore...

Me: *to bf's brother* You're a scholar and a gentleman.
Boyfriend: I'm a squid and a jungle gym!
Me: You sure are...

I don't even know what those ARE!

Boyfriend: Can I borrow your... lip squids?

Dried squid usually HAS been pressed...

Boyfriend: I cleaned out the squid press.
Me: ... So you can press squids?
Boyfriend: Into squid coffee.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: You know, squid juice with just a little creamer in it.

They'd be all squishy!

Me: I'm gonna do something to you.
Boyfriend: As long as it doesn't involve squids... or caltrops... or squidtrops.

That's what HE says

Boyfriend: I will end the oppression of the squid-people! And all of their dealings with King George!

It's true...

Boyfriend: Eye squids.
Me: No squids in my eyes.
Boyfriend: No, no, they wouldn't live in your eyes, they just have eyes on their tentacles instead of suction cups.
Me: ... So they'd be voyeur squids?
Boyfriend: They'd be the natural symbiote of the exhibitionist panda.

Squids are not reliable messengers

Me: *throws a washer like a Frisbee, which lands on the server perfectly* Awesome.
Boyfriend: Alright, two squids.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: We're measuring points in squids now.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: Didn't you get the memo?
Me: *shakes head*
Boyfriend: Well, it was attached to a squid so...

I'm STILL not sure how that would help...

Me: My nose hurts.
Boyfriend: Aaaaaw, would it make you feel any better if I scratched your back?
Me: Not really, but a back scratch would feel FANTASTIC.
Boyfriend: Well the other option was going to include squids...
Me: Why does EVERYTHING include squids with you?
Boyfriend: Well... they could get up your nose...

It SO isn't.... just so you know...

Me: My butt!
Boyfriend: Oh no, your butt! It's full of squid dandruff!

It's not all kittens and rainbows and cephalopods, you know

First of all, I'm feeling better, which means I shall now become verbose. My apologies in advance.

Now as we all know, there are no perfect relationships, unless one or both parties are robots with no soul. So needless to say, there are many, many things he does to annoy me, and vice versa. So in tribute to that fact, here are some things he says when I do something he considers mean.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boyfriend: And that's why I rub the cat's vagina on you while you sleep.

Boyfriend: I put squids in your butt while you sleep...
Me: *eyes narrow*
Boyfriend: ... You know... because you always said you wanted tentacles...