And the new year starts with a butt...

Boyfriend: Butt swan.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? Butt swans are a major problem in this day and age.

He's stuck on butt holes, because butt holes stuck on him?

Me: I am not using toothpaste on my ear holes.
Boyfriend: At least it's only your ears.
Boyfriend's brother: As opposed to what?
Boyfriend: Using it instead of hemorrhoid cream.
Me: No!
Boyfriend: MINTY FRESH BUTT HOLE!

Why is he obsessed with things in people's butts?

Boyfriend: I'm gonna shower.
Me: Mm hm
Boyfriend: In your butt.
Me: No.
Boyfriend: But it's like that old saying! "Butt showers bring what the hell are you doing?"

I don't want to know how one goes into butt withdrawal...

Me: *shaking hips along with a song*
Boyfriend: You has the butt shakes! It's what happens when you go into butt withdrawal!

I can't freaking believe he did that!!

Boyfriend: *brings me the debit card*
Me: *sticks hip out since hands are full*
Boyfriend: *slides card down my butt*
Me: *horrified stare*
Boyfriend: Your butt doesn't take credit.
Me: ... I meant for you to put it in my POCKET!
Boyfriend: Oh... that makes more sense.

God I hope not!

Boyfriend: Sometimes I'm worried that my butt is developing a mind of its own, and it's going to outsmart me...

How indeed...

Boyfriend: How do you record with this?
Me: Your butt.
Boyfriend: Your mom.
Me: I wasn't aware that my mom was a viable recording format.
Boyfriend: Of course she is, how else would you record mpwhore files?

I don't even know...

Boyfriend: I should be able to do this very simply... with a duck... in the butt... butt ducks... awoo ooo ooo dee dee.

Well I guess they have to check for loot EVERYWHERE...

Me: *talking about Dragon Quest 9* My thief keeps sticking her hands in the enemies' butts!
Boyfriend: They do that.
Me: Well she steals horse manure off the horses, and webbing off the spiders.
Boyfriend: Clearly your thief is into anal fisting.

It does NOT take memos... reports of the latter option unconfirmed.

Me: My left side hurts from my lower back down, and my right knee and hip hurt.
Boyfriend: Aaaaw, poor clerical butt!
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: It takes memos.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Or heals the injured, I haven't decided.

It SO isn't.... just so you know...

Me: My butt!
Boyfriend: Oh no, your butt! It's full of squid dandruff!

Those are very SPECIFIC powers there...

Me: I think my friend fell asleep.
Boyfriend: I'm pretty sure she did, or else she'd notice the crab clawing at her butt.
Me: o.o .....
Boyfriend: I'm using my special crab, butt-clawing powers.

Song parodies ahoy!

Boyfriend: *to the tune of 'Everyday'* Every day, goblins in your butt crack~!

Wait... what?

Me: I'm hungry, but I have to do dishes before I can sate that hunger.
Boyfriend: Well if it makes you feel any better, albino turtles keep poking my butt crack.

And in other news

Both of us are a little hard of hearing, depending on which ear is facing the other person (aren't we sad?), which leads to a lot of "What?" and "Huh?" in a conversation. This information may, or may not help make sense of today's quote... thought more than likely not. Enjoy~!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me: Mm, shrapnel.
Boyfriend: What?
Me: Shrapnel!
Boyfriend: Oh, see, that's what I thought you said... but my butt has played tricks on me before.

It's not all kittens and rainbows and cephalopods, you know

First of all, I'm feeling better, which means I shall now become verbose. My apologies in advance.

Now as we all know, there are no perfect relationships, unless one or both parties are robots with no soul. So needless to say, there are many, many things he does to annoy me, and vice versa. So in tribute to that fact, here are some things he says when I do something he considers mean.

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Boyfriend: And that's why I rub the cat's vagina on you while you sleep.

Boyfriend: I put squids in your butt while you sleep...
Me: *eyes narrow*
Boyfriend: ... You know... because you always said you wanted tentacles...