Friday, December 31, 2010

He just doesn't know how to make anything better, does he?

Me: Well APPARENTLY I'm a car wreck, so...
Boyfriend: No, our RELATIONSHIP is a car wreck
Me: ......
Boyfriend's brother: He's all the bent metal bits.
Boyfriend: But it's the really GOOD kind of car wreck, You know like... a truck full of clowns and a truck full of sharks. You know, the ones you look back on and go "D'aaaaaaw..."

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Apparently I'm a car wreck... or a dead pet.

Boyfriend: Ah, we were officially a couple June 10th
Me: I don't care, I can't remember my birthday half the time.
Boyfriend: I know, it's just like being in a car wreck, you wanna know when it happened.
Me: O_________O
Boyfriend: I could have used the dead pet metaphor...
Me: O__________________O

Monday, December 27, 2010

I think they only do that when they'e Digletts...

Me: Fucking Dittos! How do they work?!
Boyfriend: They dig underground.
Me: *stare* ... DITTOS.
Boyfriend: Oh! Well, they're giant blobs of reproductive organs.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: La naranja es muy embarassado.
Me: The orange is very pregnant.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Mangnish Weekends - Suddenly... PENIS!

Me: Well as a wise man once said, "Mi pene es muy fuerte."
Boyfriend: Con guapo!
Me: ... With handsome?
Boyfriend: Exactly.

Friday, December 24, 2010

...HOW do you even MAKE that mistake?!

Me: I realize now my mistake.
Boyfriend: You wore pudding instead of shorts?
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Don't worry, it happens to me ALL the time.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Wait... did he just call me crazy AND fat?

Me: Oh booger, I don't have a Fearow... *grins* I need to catch Firo to complete my pokedex!
Boyfriend: Oh fear, I need to catch a Boogerow
Me: >.< I was making a joke... you know, about Firo from Baccano!...
Boyfriend: Oooooh.
Me: >.> You don't love me.
Boyfriend: Aaaaw, I do so love you Crazy Lady.
Me: I'm not crazy!
Boyfriend: You're just big boned!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

I'm not sure which of us he isn't listening to, me or himself...

Me: I love you.
Boyfriend: I love you too, mean lady.
Me: ... Why are you so mean to me?
Boyfriend: You are what you eat.
Me: ....
Boyfriend's brother: .......
Me: ....... WHUT?
Boyfriend: Think about it!
Me: No! My brain just gave up. That statement made NO sense.
Boyfriend: You will.
Me: ......... I'm not talking to you anymore.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Monday, December 20, 2010

I honestly don't know what to say.

Boyfriend: My Siamese twin is weird.
Me: ... *edge away*
Boyfriend's brother: ... What?
Boyfriend: It could be a quantum Siamese twin, you know, it only exists when no one is looking... though I suppose the proper term would be conjoined quantum.
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend's brother: *can't breathe*
Boyfriend: Hey, what country used to be Siam?
Me: Thailand, I think?
Boyfriend: That's a hell of a jump to b known for... from twins to underage prostitutes... *grins* My Siamese twin is an underage prostitute!
Boyfriend's brother: *DIES*

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Mangnish Weekends - How does that even WORK?!

Boyfriend: El bano esta mija.
Me: The bathroom (masculine) is (denoting temporary) my daughter.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Son gato de naranja.
Me: 'They are cat of orange,' and that's the fruit, mind you, because there's a separate word for the color.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Thursday, December 16, 2010

... This worries me because I'm OFTEN the closest person to him...

Me: Close your eyes.
Boyfriend: No.
Me: *holding the camera tripod like a bat* Come on, close your eyes... don't you trust me?
Boyfriend: Well you see, every time I close my eyes, I have to poop on someone, and you're the closest person, so...

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Who knew it annoyed people when you killed them?

Boyfriend: They don't like me now...
Me: Who woulda thought it?
Boyfriend: I know, who'd have thought running around blowing people up with dynamite would make them not like me?
Me: Anyone with a brain?
Boyfriend: And cottage cheese and Polermo.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

But... it's NOT!

Me: Umbreon is so CUTE!
Boyfriend: Yes, you'd hardly suspect it's made out of marmalade.

~~~~

Look at this and tell me it isn't absolutely ADORABLE!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Of course, it all makes sense now...

Me: I REALLY don't know why you expect sense from me.
Boyfriend: Because you're a squirrel.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Mangnish Weekends - This hand of mine is BURNING RED!!!

For those of you that are familiar with G Gundam, or Mobile Fighter G Gundam for long, I'm sure you'll recognize where this is going. For those of you that aren't, I'll explain... but only a little. Unlike most other Gundam series, as far as I can tell, this one in particular was for the lulz. The main character, Domon Kasshu has this little catch phrase that he often says during Gundam battles, "This hand of mine is burning red! Its loud roar tells me to grasp victory!"

In the spirit of the anime (i.e. for the lulz) I gave my boyfriend the task of translating that in Spanish. This is what we got.

Gundam fight ready?

GO!

~~~~~~~~

Boyfriend: El mano del mi son fuego de roja! Son las gitara de la victoria, mi dice que soy derrota.
Me: The hand of the me they are fire of red. They are the guitar of the victory, he tells me that I am he defeats.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I'm pretty sure that's an improper use of puppies...

Boyfriend: *after watching a video where a puppy falls into a shallow storm drain* That's a good boy, bring me the shiny, bring me the shiny! Just eat it, we'll get it out of your poop later... you can carry more that way. I mean, sure you'll go blind, but who cares, you're a dog.
Boyfriend's brother: We'll get you a tiny set of dark glasses.
Boyfriend: And a tiny cane to chew on... and then people will GIVE you money!

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

I don't think he likes my mother...

Boyfriend: I think it's funny because your mom's face resembles the ass end of a donkey... Which is even funnier, since BOTH ends of a donkey are the ass end!

Monday, December 6, 2010

They're trying to kill me with the puns...

Boyfriend's brother: What's the problem with the hot glue gun?
Boyfriend: It doesn't get hot enough quick enough... like a Spaniard.
Boyfriend's brother: I dunno, I've never tried to heat a Spaniard.
Boyfriend: Well you have to start out small, so you'd need a cocker Spaniard.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Mangnish Weekends - Suddenly... PENIS!

Boyfriend: Mi pene se hace del Martes.
Me: ... "My penis is it made of the Tuesday."

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Mangnish Weekends - He makes a good point.

Boyfriend: El gato de la... bano... I dunno.
Me: You know, it's not even that you say shit like "The cat of the bathroom," it's that you say "The cat of the (denoting feminine) bathroom (masculine word)"
Boyfriend: Well I think this just goes to show, I don't speak Spanish.
Boyfriend's brother: Do we really need to be shown that at this point?

Friday, December 3, 2010

Apparently they're diametrically opposed?

Boyfriend: No, that would not be delicious... in fact, I'd go so far as to say that would be the OPPOSITE of delicious... It would be Wendy's.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

It's not just him again...

This half heard. or only seen from the corner of the eye lead to HILARITY!

~~~

Boyfriend's brother: I have no idea what brand of punch Tampico is, but out of the corner of your eye, it certainly looks like Tampon punch... and I cannot unsee.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Mangnish Weekends - Your questions don't help anything!

Boyfriend: Poor queso de la muerte.
Me: Poor cheese of the death, you know that's what you just said, right?
Boyfriend: *shrug* So should it be 'queso con muerte'?
Me: Cheese with death?
Boyfriend: How do you say 'of'?
Me: You just did the first time!
Boyfriend: Yeah, so 'queso de muerte'.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Mangnish Weekends - Your questions don't help it make sense!

Boyfriend: Me gusta del gato de la bano.
Me: Do you even want to know HALF of what is wrong with that?
Boyfriend: Con carne! No, wait! Con fuego. THAT'S what I meant.
Me: So... it just went from "I like of the cat of the bathroom," to "I like of the cat of the bathroom, with fire."
Boyfriend: Es muy fuerte!
Me: *facepalm* ... "is very strong."

Friday, November 26, 2010

This is WHY I wear the headphones...

Me: *see boyfriend talking and pull off headphones* What?
Boyfriend: Throw a whip at a can of badger cream.
Me: o.o
Boyfriend: You picked the wrong time to ask 'what' didn't you?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

What is it with you and everything working for Satan?

Boyfriend: What the hell is wrong with those kids? It's a SPIDER! They're not adorable, they're Satan's minions!


~~~~

Bachuru does not agree, sir.

(I don't know who drew that, so if it was you, much props. I found it on 4chan)

Happy Thanksgiving!

Boyfriend's brother: *talking about what's going on in Batman* Really, it sounds more like something Tony Stark would do.
Me: Well there you go. Bruce Wayne is actually still dead, it's just Tony Stark in a Bruce Wayne suit.
Boyfriend: Yes it's Brucey Stark Wayne... Tone.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend's brother: *snigger*
Boyfriend: TURKEY STOAK!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Nah... but that would be funny.

Me: *playing Pokemon Green, yelling at a trainer* Fuck you! You're ugly and nobody loves you!
Boyfriend: Your mom's in the game?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

You know, I can't blame him for his choice.

Me: You realize there's going to be a price for this banana bread, right?
Boyfriend: Yes.
Me: Do you know what it is?
Boyfriend: *sadly* My soul.
Me: ... I was going to say I'd need you to wash the dishes I used to make the pie.
Boyfriend: ... Can't you just take my soul instead?

Sometimes you feel like a nut... sometimes you're uncertain.

Sorry guys, I seem to have forgotten to post yesterday, I'll do two today to make up for it.

~~~~~

Me: *glaring at the walnut I'm trying to get the meat out of* I hate you!
Boyfriend: You're so mean me to me!
Me: ... I was talking to the walnut.
Boyfriend: I thought you were talking to me.
Me: ... I'm glaring right at the walnut!
Boyfriend: Maybe I'm a walnut.
Me: ... ARE you a walnut?
Boyfriend: Maybe.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Manos el rojas.
Me: *absently* Yes, hands the red.
Boyfriend: ... Wasn't that Gung-Ho Gun?

Friday, November 19, 2010

Oh yeah, well that explains it...

Boyfriend: Burt Reynolds is hard to kill, like cockroaches and muttonchops.
Me: I wasn't aware muttonchops were particularly hard to kill.
Boyfriend: Well, they're actually a form of cancer.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Oh, thaty explains... well... NOTHING really...

Boyfriend: Little known fact, everyone named Chet is a servant of the devil.
Me: ... WHUT?
Boyfriend: People named Chet are the legion of the Satan.
Me: .......
Boyfriend: You'll believe when the armies of Chet conquer the world, and enslave us, and force us to make cookies until we die!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

You'd think I beat him, or something...

Boyfriend: I had a pimple in my mouth!
Me: Are you sure it wasn't herpes?
Boyfriend: ... yes.
Me: Good, because then I'd want to now where the FUCK you got it.
Boyfriend: Me too, since I'm not even going bald.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: *grins* Hair piece!
Me: .... >.< *GLARE*
Boyfriend: OW!!! You're trying to kill me with your mind! OW!!!!!!

Monday, November 15, 2010

Why... would he even think that?

Boyfriend: *talking about a timer* It beeped.
Me: *nods*
Boyfriend: *after a few seconds* It beeped! Did you hear it beep?
Me: Yes, I heard it! *gets up*
Boyfriend: Sorry! You had headphones on, and I wasn't sure if you were trying to kill me.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Grande cajones de fuego!
Me: Nuts big of fire?
Boyfriend: Great balls of fire!

Friday, November 12, 2010

We have SUCH a loving relationship...

Me: *watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre* Baby... I love you from the very bottom of my heart...
Boyfriend: Why are you so mean to me?
Me: *stare* ANYWAY *points at the tv* If we were ever in a situation like that, and I escaped... I would NOT go back for you.
Boyfriend: Oh, yeah, totally.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

What? That's what they make glue from...

Boyfriend: I found out how to make Elmer's glue!
Me: Neat! Do you have to boil a horse?

It's just a little late, it's still god, it's still good!

I meant to post this last Monday, but... well I forgot, so sue me. It's still funny though.

~~~~~

Me: What'cha doing?
Boyfriend: Resizing pokemon images. I'd only done up to week four, but since tomorrow starts week five, now it's an issue.
Me: *ironically* Hahahahahah, I see what you did thar!
Boyfriend: ... o.o I... DIDN'T do anything there...
Me: ... >.> It sounded like you did...

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

He mocks my memory problems.

Me: I don't see what's so hard to understand about that... um... whatever your name is...
Boyfriend: *smiles* That's ok, Phil.

I think he MIGHT have failed his anatomy class...

Me: I'mma eat you.
Boyfriend: Nooooo! My grahfloobie!
Me: ... What part of the body is THAT?!
Boyfriend: It's the part with four eyes... and an extra nose.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Discworld reference ftw!

Me: *talking about an actor* There's not too much ham in his Hamlet. It's JUST right.
Boyfriend: Well at least there's not too much Om in his omelet... because then it'd be a tiny god.

Monday, November 8, 2010

It's not just him again...

For those of you that care, or want context, I'm playing Pokemon Green for the weekend feature on our sister blog: http://flailthroughs.blogspot.com/ This conversation stemmed from that. Enjoy.

~~~~

Me: I still need to level up my Slowdick.
Boyfriend's brother: ......
Boyfriend: ......... WHAT?!
Me: ... Slowpoke! I was trying to say 'Slowpoke' and 'that dickhead' at the same time.
Boyfriend: Well done!

He's SO specific...

Boyfriend: Where's the thing? I need something to get this off.
Me: The scissors are over there.
Boyfriend: Nah, I need something that can rend and tear... human flesh!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Mangnish Weekends - This is the other half of the earlier conversation

Boyfriend: Licorice es muy bien!
Me: <.< Licorice es disgusto.
Boyfriend: No es disgusto! Es fuego!
Me: ... 'No is disgusting. Is fire'... What's wrong with you?

Mangnish Weekends - I stand by what I said!

Boyfriend's brother: There are two pieces of licorice left, do you want them?
Me: Licorice es el queso del diablo.
Boyfriend's brother: ... Licorice is the cheese of the devil?
Me: YES!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Me gusta son fuego!
Me: *facepalm*
Boyfriend's bother: What did he say?
Me: "I like they are fire."

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Somtimes we break the fourth wall...

Boyfriend: *to the tune of Norwegian Wood* Isn't it good~ Norwegian whooores~
Me: >.< Why do you keep making noise?!
Boyfriend: *grins* Because now we have a website dedicated to it!

Don't get me wrong, I like the manga, but...

Me: *mocking Naruto* "My left eye is ready for battle!" What?!
Boyfriend's brother: My right pinky toe would rather stay home, but what can you do?
Boyfriend: My liver wants to play video games.
Me: My spleen wants to take hula lessons!
Boyfriend's dad: Oh never listen to your spleen, it's tricky.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

It's not just him again...

I come from a long line of crazy people, and this gem was actually donated by my father when I was talking to him about net speak. Enjoy!

~~~~

Dad: Sooo... the path that a message takes on the Internet... would that be the... Intercourse???
Me: ... YES!!!!!!!!!!!

He doesn't take being corrected well.

Boyfriend: We'll just have to remove the electric tape.
Me: That's duct tape, my love.
Boyfriend: We'll just have to remove the electric ducks.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

What... what does this have to do with anything?

Me: It's like I keep telling you, fuck you, I'm funny.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but I'm French.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: No wait, not French... a poodle.
Me: ...
Boyfriend: Wait... a poodle is French too. Damn.

And now for something completely different.

These are surprisingly wise words, and this jewel is actually one of the best extended metaphors I've ever heard. Enjoy.

~~~

Boyfriend: Everyone's been through shit at one point or another in their lives. The trick is to not spread it around. You get a paper towel, you clean up, and you throw it away. But if you go through shit and then go "Huh, I think I'm just gonna spread this everywhere," then you need to be taken outside, because you're not ready to play with the rest of society.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Mangnish Weekends - Oh the puns...

Boyfriend: Son pantelones del burro!
Me: So... 'They are pants of the donkey'?
Boyfriend: Exactly! They're pants that make you look like you have a nice ass!
Me: >.< *glare*
Boyfriend: Ow!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Jefe es en el bano, soy gato.
Me: -.- Jeff is in the bathroom, I am cat.
Boyfriend: I meant to say 'con'.
Me: Jeff is in the bathroom, I am with cat?
Boyfriend: No, Jefe es en el bano con gato!
Me: I give up.

Friday, October 29, 2010

So THAT'S his plan!

Me: Oh good, I'm already signed in.
Boyfriend: Are you sure it's you, and not me?
Me: *points at email address* Unless this is suddenly your email...
Boyfriend: Well I AM slowly trying to take you over, and absorb you into my body until we're one being called... I dunno, the Jarl?

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Fun with homonyms!

In case you're wonder, awful -> offal. Offal - the parts of a butchered animal removed in dressing; viscera.

~~~~~~

Me:
I'm gonna do something awful to you.
Boyfriend: What?
Me: I don't know yet... but it will probably involve guts.
Boyfriend: *blank stare*
Me: ... badoom tchsh!
Boyfriend: *blank stare*
Me: You know what, fuck you, I'm funny.

How does that even work?

Me: Can't you just... sit there and be quiet for a while?
Boyfriend: You're trying to steal my soul!
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: When I'm quiet, my soul tries to escape out of my eyeball. Well known fact.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I think he does it to get on my nerves...

Me: *actually saying the word as I do it* SIGH!
Boyfriend: Duck.
Me: ... *kicks him*
Boyfriend: Ow... Duck.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Monday, October 25, 2010

Obscure music AND animal references ftw!!

Boyfriend: Aw! Poor booby feet!
Me: My feet aren't birds...
Boyfriend: I am... What? I'm a bird?
Me: ... Except when you joke my honey, then you're a dog.
Boyfriend: ... *head tilt*
Me: Oh... my... God! Did I just make an Everly Brothers reference? I fucking DID!
Boyfriend: You're insane.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Mangnish Weekends - Oh the grammatical horror

Boyfriend: Que pantelones es?
Me: >.< What pants is?
Boyfriend: Should it be 'esta'?
Me: It's STILL 'What pants is?'!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Well as a wise man once said, "El gato es mi espouso."
Me: Do you want to know what you said?
Boyfriend: Sure! Something about the cat?
Me: Apparently your wise man was not only wise, but a gay beastophile, because he said "The cat is my husband".

Friday, October 22, 2010

The cat woulnd't understand you even if this DID make sense!

Boyfriend: Mona! Don't act like some kind of cat that's not a cat, but a marmoset.

So very VERY punny

Boyfriend: *pokes with a DS stylus*
Me: Oh my god! I explode in a shower of kumquats and whipped cream!
Boyfriend: You've been stylized!
Me: ... *glare*
Boyfriend: Ow!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Some times in life... bog gremlins?

Boyfriend: I'm trying to come up with a valid reason why we both should nap... Sadly, I don't think we have any bog gremlins.
Me: O_o .... Wha...?
Boyfriend: Bog gremlins... they'll eat your nose.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Wait... what?

Boyfriend: Normally when you're mumbling, I assume you're talking about my demise.
Me: You know that REALLY makes you sound crazy and paranoid
Boyfriend: You know that really makes you sound like an aardvark.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It was a good movie though

Me: I'm waiting for Naussica to pop up.
Boyfriend: Yeah, you'll run into a lot of Naussica out at sea.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I'm also not covered in fur...

Boyfriend: Aaaw, you wipe your eyes cutely... like an albino woodchuck.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Well you're paler than a regular woodchuck.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Maybe I should run his Mangnish as a weekend feature?

Boyfriend: Por cuando es el bano?
Me: .... For when is the bathroom?
Boyfriend: Well, all the time in Mexico.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

More adventures in Mangnish

Boyfriend: Porque es el bano muy fuego del gato?
Me: I don't know, that could go either way. It could be "Why is the bathroom very fire of the cat?" or "Because is the bathroom very fire of the cat."

Friday, October 15, 2010

It IS a good answer though...

Boyfriend: That's a very good question, and I think the BEST possible answer is: PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Yes, I'm mean, but he gets me back for it

Me: Yes, go ahead and cry about it, your tears are delicious.
Boyfriend: You make my anus sad.
Me: ... o.o Those are NOT the delicious tears.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Alright, it's him again

Boyfriend: *to the tune of Sometimes When We Touch* Sometimes when we touch, the colostomy's too much~

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

It's still not only him...

Boyfriend's brother: Oh yeah, deers steal pizza and then give it to bears as a protection bribe, well known fact.

Monday, October 11, 2010

It's still not only him...

Boyfriend's brother: And you still over-feed the ninjas, and they need more exercise that way.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

It's not all him, you know

Me: I'm a Char... *looks over at boyfriend* It's true. You should have known when I started killing little girls.
Boyfriend: O_______________O
Me: ... You didn't hear a WORD I just said, did you?
Boyfriend: I heard "I'm going to shower... you should have known when I started killing little girls."
Me: ... Well, I'm a murder shower.

Those are very SPECIFIC powers there...

Me: I think my friend fell asleep.
Boyfriend: I'm pretty sure she did, or else she'd notice the crab clawing at her butt.
Me: o.o .....
Boyfriend: I'm using my special crab, butt-clawing powers.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Friday, October 8, 2010

One of these is actually a place... no, really!

Boyfriend: Well he should just move to Zonguldak, and that'll take care of everything.
Me: Moving to Zonguldak WON'T fix all your problems.
Boyfriend: Sure it will... and then you can visit Boldlygo
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: Zonguldak is right next door to Boldlygo, everyone knows that.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I don't really mind either

Boyfriend's brother: If you guys don't mind, I was thinking...
Boyfriend: No, that's perfectly alright. I don't mind if you think.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

So very true...

Me: I don't know... Why do you people keep expecting sense out of me?!
Boyfriend: We don't expect sense out of ANYONE! That's like... hypocrisy at its finest!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Monday, October 4, 2010

You know, that's not a bad plan, actually...

Boyfriend: I want enough money to buy an island, one that's big enough that it doesn't have to worry about tropical storms too much, and then burn everything to the ground. Once that's done, I'd have it terra-formed to whatever I wanted, and then have it stocked with only delicious, delicious animals.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Saturday, October 2, 2010

You know... I'm pretty sure they don't...

Me: See? She said fishes!
Boyfriend: Yeah but she's Asian, they're weird... and I think they have magical powers.

Friday, October 1, 2010

That's very misleading, you know...

Boyfriend: This is why I stick lobsters in your vagina when you sleep... and by lobsters in your vagina, I mean cuddle you... Until you elbow me in the face.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

In Groucho's name we play...

Me: *editing a Flailthrough* You keep switching tenses.
Boyfriend: Yeah, I do that.
Boyfriend's brother: Well you know, he's very tense.
Me: ... That's awful.
Boyfriend: Oh come on, we're way past tense, we're living in houses now.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

How strangely well timed

My mother lives about nine hundred miles away, give or take, just to give you a little bit of perspective with this one.

~~~~
Boyfriend: Tell your mother you won't come visit unless she rents a limo.
Boyfriend's brother: A limo made of smaller limos!
Boyfriend: I want a limo made of clown cars.
Me: I want a limo made entirely out of clowns... but they all have to be facing outward.
Boyfriend: That would be the most horrifying limo ever.
Boyfriend's brother: For other people, since they're all facing out.
Boyfriend: No, because then you'd be on the side of the asses of a thousand clowns.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Sunday, September 26, 2010

That doesn't even make SENSE!

This one I think needs a bit of explanation. After Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days (which no matter what ANYONE says, with the way that is written it should either be 'three hundred fifty-eight half days', or 'three hundred fifty-eight over two days') came out, we could not help but mock it horribly for its weird title, and the fact that we can never remember it (seriously, I had to look at the box to type the title). Around the house it became known by wide variety of epithets, including Kingdom Hearts 3 tablespoons of shortening and a sack full of Etch a sketches. Even though the latest sequel, which is actually a prequal, has a relatively normal name, Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep, the damage has been done. With that in mind, enjoy!

~~~~

Boyfriend: When does Kingdom Hearts Kaleidoscopic Enema Bag come out?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

He's just SO damn PUNNY!

Boyfriend: *hits me with a teddy bear*
Me: o.o ... what was that for?
Boyfriend: I had to make sure you weren't unbearable.
Me: >.< I hate you.
Boyfriend: I'm sorry, do you find my puns hard to bear?
Me: *grab my teddy bear by the head and smack him with it*
Boyfriend: Aaaah! You're beating me with your bear feet!

Friday, September 24, 2010

Boyfriend: That hurt all the way up around my head, down the other side to my hip.
Boyfriend's brother: Ah, a rainbow of pain...
Boyfriend: Yes, it was a painbow.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Truly these are words of wisdom.

Boyfriend: If you're eating Jesus Christ, then that's one holy shit the next morning.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Song parodies ahoy!

Boyfriend: *to the tune of 'Everyday'* Every day, goblins in your butt crack~!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Told you I would

So here's the second post today, to make up for me missing Sunday. Enjoy this deep thought.

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Boyfriend: They call it Herpes Simplex, but really, it's quite complicated.

Woops... is it earlier enough to still count as yesterday?

Well it's still early, so I'll leave you with a thought, and then post again later today.

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Boyfriend: Well as a wise man once said... Bidoof watches you sleep.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Thank you Law and Order...

Boyfriend: Ah, there's nothing like watching parents fighting over the custody of a child.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Creepy...

Today's quote isn't from my boyfriend, but from his brother. We all have a habit of snarking at commercial, and while I don't remember what commercial this was, it was pretty damn funny.

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Boyfriend's brother: What if she's out there... watching... waiting... to collect your SCALP.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

On the subject of Pokewalkers

Boyfriend: All it does is beep and tell you you're a fat ass.

Boyfriend: You're beeping out my shame!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Um... just no

Boyfriend: I'mma rub squid in your eyebrows.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Then they'll stick, and you'll have eyebrow squids.

Monday, September 13, 2010

What is this, I don't even.

Boyfriend: It feels like someone just suddenly poked me in the eye with the sleepy banana.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

What... do those two even have in common?

Boyfriend: I should have known it... you're secretly a zombie... or possibly a cuttlefish.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

It would?

Boyfriend: It would sound like slapping a cow with a wet slice of ham.

Friday, September 10, 2010

I don't THINK that's what that is...

Boyfriend: I'm going to try some of this V8 Blood of Australian Children.
Boyfriend's bother: O.o WHAT?
Boyfriend: V8 Splash. *takes a sip* Mm, Australian Children.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Dreams can be fun... or insane.

Boyfriend: *talking to me (and yes, I'm a girl) about a dream* If it makes you feel any better, you had a big penis.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Wait... what?

Me: I'm hungry, but I have to do dishes before I can sate that hunger.
Boyfriend: Well if it makes you feel any better, albino turtles keep poking my butt crack.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Sorry for the missed day XD;

Sorry, yesterday was busy, and it slipped my mind. Have the last of the mangled Spanish quotes to make up for it.

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Boyfriend: El conquistador de la gracias.
Translation: The conqueror of the thanks.

Boyfriend: No mas gato con verde.
Translation: No more cat with green.

Boyfriend: Mi hermanos con queso.
Translation: My (singular) brothers with cheese.

Boyfriend: Los pantelones de muerte!!
Translation: The pants of death!!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Mangnish

Boyfriend: No mas que ahora el gato fuego

Translation: No more what time the fire cat.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Mangnish

Boyfriend: Yo quiero el gato con fuego.

Translation: I want the cat with fire.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Mangnish

Boyfriend: Que ahora, un tortuga?

Translation: What time, a (masculine) turtle?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Mangnish

Mangled + Spanish = Mangnish

So like most people, my boyfriend knows various words in Spanish... but has absolutely no concept of grammar, syntax, or anything else that makes a language coherent. I took Spanish for three years in High School (which technically made me fluent) but because I never use it, I lost a lot of it, though I retain grammar, syntax, ect. So in a concentrated effort to drive me insane (he does this in English too) he throws together random nonsensical sentences. So please enjoy this run of crazy Spanish. I will be providing translations... and believe me, they take nothing away.

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Boyfriend: Son las el pequito borro.
Me: ... They are the, female plural, the, singular male, donkey tiny.
Boyfriend's brother: *without skipping a beat* Ah, Donkey Tiny, not as popular as Donkey Kong.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Crazy Shit Her Boyfriend Says

I'm her boyfriend's brother, so I'm no stranger to the crazy. This one goes back a while but it's still my favorite conversation with him:

 Boyfriend: I'm trying to remember a specific name. It sounds kind of like "Cardinal Dik-dik McGuffin," but that's not it.

Brother(without skipping a beat): Bishop Desmond Tutu.

Boyfriend: YES.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Mangled movie quotes

Boyfriend: Just when I thought I was out... they send an army of flying monkey-squids after me.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Me: *after eating an ice cream bar* Aaaaw, apparently my stick didn't win this contest.
Boyfriend: Clearly your stick in an underachiever.

Friday, August 27, 2010

And in other news

Both of us are a little hard of hearing, depending on which ear is facing the other person (aren't we sad?), which leads to a lot of "What?" and "Huh?" in a conversation. This information may, or may not help make sense of today's quote... thought more than likely not. Enjoy~!

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Me: Mm, shrapnel.
Boyfriend: What?
Me: Shrapnel!
Boyfriend: Oh, see, that's what I thought you said... but my butt has played tricks on me before.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Ah, the white noise...

The television never really goes off around here, much to my chagrin. (Yes, I'm one of those freaks that doesn't care for TV, and enjoys quiet.) So we often hear random things, and feel the need to comment. So we get things like today's post. Enjoy~!

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Boyfriend: *in response to a commercial* My doctor told me I should do more for my cholesterol... so I took it out to dinner.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Here's another extra special glimpse into our lives

Both my boyfriend and I love to put our own lyrics into songs, me especially when I dislike the song, and him just randomly because it's what he does. So please enjoy this mangled chestnut.

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Boyfriend: *to the tune of 'Let It Be' by the Beatles* Squirrel pee, squirrel pee, squirrel pee, squirrel pee. Whisper words of urine... squirrel pee.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

I've got another busy day ahead...

And I just woke up, and I'm kinda out of it. So this comment fits rather well. Enjoy~!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Boyfriend: I am so zombie right now.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Early post today

I've got a lot of things lined up today, so I figured I'd post now so I don't have the 11:30 rush to post before midnight.

Since I've got some time, I'd like to point out the new banner. See? Things are slowly getting better around here. I still need to work on making other people capable of posting though. We're looking into that, I promise.

So anyway, about today's post, this is another bundle one, and I'll explain why. My boyfriend loves to do random projects. I swear he has a MacGyver lobe in his brain, that causes him to do this crazy crap. Have you ever seen the Kludges website on the Cheeseburger Network? Yeah, like that... aaaaaaaaaall the time. So in response to this handyman tendency of winning fail (it almost always works, but it's uuuuuuuuuuugly!) now we have quotes from when he's poked while in the middle of a project. Enjoy~!

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Boyfriend: I'm trying to figure out how to get into this thing to rip out its brain.

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Boyfriend: You'll have to forgive me, I'm currently trying to disassemble twenty year old technology and rearrange it in different colors. This is vitally important.
Me: To what?
Boyfriend: ... Colors?

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Sorry, it's been a busy day

Not much explanation for this one... I don't really know how to make sense of this, and even if I gave you the whole conversation, it still would not make sense, trust me. So here you go. Enjoy~!

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Boyfriend: I love green jello... but I'd never waste it on a cactus. They can die.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Woops...

Sorry, I almost missed the post today. Sorry, it's been busy. Speaking of busy, here's a random comment about birth control. Enjoy~!

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Boyfriend: The Venn Diagram... much more effective than the Venn Diaphram.
Me: *facepalm*
Boyfriend: It's a series of circles.

Friday, August 20, 2010

It's not all kittens and rainbows and cephalopods, you know

First of all, I'm feeling better, which means I shall now become verbose. My apologies in advance.

Now as we all know, there are no perfect relationships, unless one or both parties are robots with no soul. So needless to say, there are many, many things he does to annoy me, and vice versa. So in tribute to that fact, here are some things he says when I do something he considers mean.

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Boyfriend: And that's why I rub the cat's vagina on you while you sleep.

Boyfriend: I put squids in your butt while you sleep...
Me: *eyes narrow*
Boyfriend: ... You know... because you always said you wanted tentacles...

Thursday, August 19, 2010

We're all bozos on this bus

Another short explanation, because I have a headache again... and I think trying to explain this particular comment would be like trying to stick a killer whale into a sardine tin. So check your logic and common sense at the door, and enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~

Boyfriend: That's like... sudden onset midgetry!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My head a'splode!

Shh... I have a migraine. This white screen isn't helping, so I'm going to make this short and sweet. Here's a peek into the 'creative process', if you can call it that, that results in the boyfriend's comments. It is not, of course, how all of them happen, but certainly quite a few. Enjoy.


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Boyfriend: When I'm sleepy, the filter between my mouth and the rest of my brain goes away... It's like making coffee without a filter, except instead of coffee grounds, you get crazy grounds!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Tuesday isn't gone yet...

Oh my gumball! Is that a Lynyrd Skynyrd reference?! It is! I'm all old up ins!

Wait, what? I don't know, I couldn't think of a clever title, and then I tried to be witty. Sorry, I'll try not to do it again.

Anyway, a week ago today, I had an impacted wisdom tooth pulled. I won't go into the pain and fail of that, but long story short, I couldn't, and still can't, use my Listerine to gargle before bed. So to make my mouth feel less gross, I got a couple little bottle of spearmint breath drops. I had just finished changing into my pajamas when I walked into the following conversation. Enjoy.

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Boyfriend: I want to take a lot of these little breath drops, and just put them in a shot glass. I want to see how mint I can get.
Boyfriend's brother: So you want to try to make it come out of your eyes?
Boyfriend: I want to see into the mint!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Swimming in a sea of crazy

Still working on the layout, but 1) I'm lazy, and 2) I'm not the one that actually does anything where that's concerned, I'm just the author. I'll try to find ways to make the place look a bit more interesting.

Anyway, onto the potential funny. I'm going to put up two comments again today, and one will involve my boyfriend, and the other will involve me... neither will involve both of us. (It's like a freaking word problem up in here!) Don't worry, I'll tell you the common denominator right now: crazy people. I thought that perhaps I should give you a bit of insight into both, why we're weird, and also why I in particular, find this particular brand of insanity desirable. The quote from my boyfriend involves an ex of his, which I thought was perhaps the best anecdote I had ever heard at the time, and mine involves a girlfriend of mine that I have known since I was little, and grew up with. Enjoy~

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Ex-girlfriend: If you cheat on a video game, then you'll cheat on a woman!
Boyfriend: That's ok, the game won't know I'm doing it either.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Me: Oh yeah, I want to go see that for my birthday.
Girlfriend: When is your birthday again? July fourth?
Me: No, it's the second... but most people assume it's the fourth.
Girlfriend: Ah, yeah... What's on July fourth?
Me: ... *stare, start cackling*
Girlfriend: *blink, facepalm* THE FOURTH OF JULY!

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Step into my Tardis~

Still planning to work on prettying up the site, still getting things in order. Sorry.

Two today, because they were on a related subject.

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Me: Baby, I love you with all of my heart, and I know it'll never come up... but just in case it does, I WILL leave you for David Tennant.
Boyfriend: That's ok, so would I.

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Boyfriend: That's where you just... hypnotize yourself and convince yourself that you're David Tennant.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Starting up

Hello, and welcome to Crazy Shit My Boyfriend Says. As I'm sure you can tell from the name, this is dedicated to, and inspired by, the weird shit that comes out of my significant other's mouth. Now every once in a while, I'll add things someone else has said, if it amuses me enough, but the lion's share will all come from the same person.

Now I'm sure eventually someone will come up with the hypothesis that my boyfriend is on drugs. He isn't, he's just weird. It's a good quality.

I do plan to open this up for other people to post their own funny stories, but... I'm just starting up, so forgive me? Prettification and posts coming soon. The latter I'll start on now, just to give you a taste. I will admit some of these will be out of context, but... even in context, they don't make a lot of sense.

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Me: It's pretty humid... and that's ME saying.
Boyfriend: Yeah, and you're from Florida... where it averaged 400% humidity. =D We call that swimming.