Monday, October 31, 2011

I doubt you can MISS them coming...

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life... swarms of giant penis gophers.
Me: *pulls up the wordpad document*
Boyfriend: I should have seen that coming... like the penis gophers.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

No, no, that's pretty flawed...

Boyfriend: Yeah, but we'd just drank a pot of coffee.
Me: Whose fault was that?
Boyfriend: Yours.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Well I made the coffee, and I drank it of my own free will, but... you're a witch.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: My logic is flawless!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

How would that even...

TV: Why would you let erectile dysfunction get in the way...
Boyfriend: Well there are A LOT of things erectile dysfunction can get in the way of... painting, for example.

Friday, October 28, 2011

I have never wondered that...

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life, you just have to sit back, consider all your options, and wonder... 'Will my penis fit in there?' and 'Will I get it back?'

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I don't think it was doing that in my toe...

Me: *removes a splinter from my toe* Ha! Fuck you splinter!
Boyfriend: Hey now, it's just doing its best... tryin' to raise some ninja turtles...

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

It's true

Me: We used to scare the shit out of Mom by making frog noises.
Boyfriend: Why?
Me: Because she's scared of reptiles and amphibians... or are you asking why we did it?
Boyfriend: No, I know why you did... but she's fucking bigoted against her own people. Self hate is the worst kind of hate.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

No... no I don't think it could be...

Me: *poking boyfriend's groin*
Boyfriend: Why are you poking it?
Me: I just want to make sure it's a penis.
Boyfriend: Good point, it COULD be a fiddler crab. *humps* PINCH!

Monday, October 24, 2011

I love these conversations...

Boyfriend: *makes a horrifying shrieking noise* That's my impression of your mom as she swoops down on sheep... and not just normal sheep, PREHISTORIC SHEEP, so they're just all horns and no wool. She disembowels them with her MIGHTY TALONS, before stretching out her labia and flapping away... She's a whore-adactyl!
Friend: She rolls out her labia like a butterfly and flies away. She is the Quetzalcoatl the Aztecs worshiped... except they called her Quetzalcuntl.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Deeply, deeply disturbing

Me: Lemme finish watching this video, then we'll go to bed.
Boyfriend: Then I'll remove your sphincter.
Me: Which one?
Boyfriend: Yes.
Me: That's disturbing.
Boyfriend: What's even more disturbing is I'm planning to use a lobster to do it.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Friday, October 21, 2011

But... why?

Me: What if I pinch you?
Boyfriend: Nooooo! Then I'll have to rub broccoli all over my groin.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

What is it with him and goblins?

Boyfriend: I'd protest more, but I think the goblin currently living in my sinuses would stick its head out and start swearing.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

That's what HE says

Boyfriend: I will end the oppression of the squid-people! And all of their dealings with King George!

Monday, October 17, 2011

I really don't think they are...

Boyfriend: I was just telling Mona about how most cats are secretly Asian people.

Friday, October 14, 2011

There ARE better ways to take care of that, you know...

Boyfriend: If it was just a matter of sterility and not cancer, I'd sleep with a radioactive video game nestled between my legs.
Friend: 'Hey, why ya walking funny?' 'Oh, I'm using a super famicom cartridge as a manpon.'

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I really don't think that it is...

Me: Step one, don't trust anyone on the internet. Step two, live in a cave. Step three, own a double barrel shot gun. Step four... Profit?
Boyfriend: Explode in a shower of Guatemalans.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Well that's the best way to do it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Monday, October 10, 2011

... I don't think it works like that...

Boyfriend: And then I overthrew the Duchess of Lima Beans, and was crowned the pope of Sweden.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Friday, October 7, 2011

Bad day, bro.

Boyfriend: I was laying outside, and I felt my foot move. I looked up and there was a squirrel sitting on my shoe. I blinked and said, "Squirrel!" and it looked at me, and then peed on my shoe, and ran away... that has been my day.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

That is the OPPOSITE of helpful...

Me: Ooooooooooooooow!
Boyfriend: What's wrong?
Me: I slammed my knuckle into the edge of the table.
Boyfriend: Aww... want me to slam it in a desk drawer to make it feel better?
Me ... NO!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I had an inkling...

Boyfriend: Did you know that brake pads taste exactly like potatoes don't?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

That explains a lot?

Boyfriend: I am made entirely of sparkly light and marshmallows in my head.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

I'm not even sure what that means....

Boyfriend: I hate hate hate hate HATE that game!
Me: Tell us how you really feel, Kefka.
Boyfriend: SCWOON!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Um... I don't think those are the ONLY options...

Boyfriend: Did you just flip me off?
Me: <.< No? Why would you think that?
Boyfriend: Well it was either that, or you were throwing shark ovaries at me.