Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Monday, February 27, 2012

Sounds about right...

Me: Your FACE is a display piece.
Boyfriend: Your MOM'S a display piece! 'Whores across history'.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Saturday, February 25, 2012

It's very ANGRY lovin'

Boyfriend: All Morbo's lovin'...
Me: What if I don't WANT Morbo's lovin'?
Boyfriend: *deadpan* That is not an option.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Why cannibalism is a bad idea...

Me: Noooooo! You're gonna eat me!
Boyfriend: No, I wouldn't eat you... I'd get stuff stuck in my teeth.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: Like... splanc-tic ganglion.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

He has a point, actually...

Me: I don't even know why I'm writing this...
Boyfriend: Your mother's a whore.
Me: ... Good answer.
Boyfriend: It's a good answer for most questions. "What time is it?" "Your mother's a whore." "What's for dinner?" "Your mother's a whore."

Sunday, February 19, 2012

He's impervious to sarcasm sometimes...

Me: Oh wow, the directions are combine one cup water, one cup sugar, and boil until combined.
Boyfriend: Yes that IS pretty simple.
Me: *sarcastically* I wonder if that's why they call it that.
Boyfriend: Complex syrup involves psychic powers.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Um... apparently?

Me: Apparently you also need firm tofu to make a sour cream substitute.
Boyfriend: What do you need to kill the Batman? REALLY firm tofu?
Me: Yes.
Boyfriend: And to kill Superman, you need krypto-fu.

Friday, February 17, 2012

... Are you sure?

Me: I was going to say 'let's go to bed', but I was looking at something.
Boyfriend: Well this is what happens when you put Jimmy Buffet in a position of absolute power.
Me: *starts writing*
Boyfriend: Nooooo! If he finds out I said that, he'll destroy us all! Fear the Buff Man!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Seriously though... wtf commercials?

Boyfriend: *about a commercial* His confidence is a parasitic twin worm?
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: His confidence exists conjoined to his liver, as a parasitic worm to suck off nutrients.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: But can't the same be said for most kinds of confidence?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Um... no?

TV: When the waters cool down, the shrimp come to the surface...
Boyfriend: TO FEED ON THE FLESH OF THE LIVING!!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

If... you say so?

Me: I don't think narwhals are greasy...
Boyfriend: Well they LOOK greasy.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? They're a huge unicorn/penis hybrid! You can't tell me they aren't covered in grease!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Sorry, I mean unicorn/SALMON/ penis hybrid... *looks up pictures* Or maybe lake trout...

Monday, February 13, 2012

That woudl make anyone's argument invalid, yes...

Me: *blinks at a commercial* OH! B-A-R-E! Bare-skin condoms...
Boyfriend: *stares* You know... even if I didn't use them, I think I'd have to have bear-skin condoms. *shakes fist* "My penis is wrapped in BEARS! Your argument is invalid!"

Sunday, February 12, 2012

It's not the correctness I was debating...

Boyfriend: Just a spork full of goat piss makes the medicine come up...
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? You can't tell me it wouldn't.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

What does that even MEAN?!

Boyfriend: Your mother is a polarizing squid dweomer.
Me: ... What?!
Boyfriend: Well apparently your mother is a polarizing squid dweomer. *shrug*

Friday, February 10, 2012

... Force brining?

Boyfriend: There's a light side of the force, a dark side of the force, and the pickle side.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Well known fact?

Me: *singing* Heart and soul... I fell in love with you, heart and...
Boyfriend: Spleen.
Me: ... Yes, because the SPLEEN is the most romantic organ.
Boyfriend: Exactly! I mean, if someone breaks your heart, you're sad, but if someone ruptures your spleen, you die.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I don't think that's a good motto...

Me: Oh, I didn't realize Iowa was quite that far out.
Boyfriend: Well Iowa IS surprising like that... It should be the state motto! "Iowa, we'll fucking sneak up on you!"

Monday, February 6, 2012

He apparently has trouble with sandwiches...

Boyfriend: *after eating a sandwich and drinking a glass of milk* You know... I went into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee...
Me: And made a pb and j sandwich and a glass of milk instead?
Boyfriend: Peanut butter, strawberry preserves, and pastrami... or maybe it was pepperoni... I don't know.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: It turns out I NEED the attention span the nicotine gives me.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Mangnish Weekend - I don't even know what he's talking about...

Boyfriend: I'm gonna open the... peccadilloes del pene de papaya.
Me: The peccadilloes of the penis of papaya?
Boyfriend: Yes.
Me: I don't remember buying that...

Saturday, February 4, 2012

But... he says shit like that even WITHOUT the Nintendo...

Boyfriend: I love how old Nintendo games make you sound crazy, cause I'm like, "Aaaah! Fuck! Invisible birds in the sky!"

Friday, February 3, 2012

So you're saying... you went to Mickie D's?

TV: I had a heart attack AND a stroke!!!
Boyfriend: I had a heart attack, and a stroke, and some egg mcmuffins.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Wednesday, February 1, 2012