Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Long story short, s'eepy = sleepy.

Boyfriend: You got your s'eepy in my cold!
Me: ... You got your cold in my s'eepy?
Boyfriend: This is the worst candy ever!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Is... that... what?

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life, you have to... rub donkeys with cream cheese....
Me: ... Any particular reason?
Boyfriend: Your mom.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I don't want to know how one goes into butt withdrawal...

Me: *shaking hips along with a song*
Boyfriend: You has the butt shakes! It's what happens when you go into butt withdrawal!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Apparently when you're tired, your eyes are hedgehogs?

Me: Your eyes are bloodshot as hell.
Boyfriend: I feel.... hedgehog right now.
Me: *stare* ... What does that have to do with me saying your eyes are bloodshot as hell?
Boyfriend: I was describing how I felt... my eyes are hedgehog right now.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

No... no they really don't...

Boyfriend: You know, in poor third world countries, hundreds of kitten miners die every year to bring you that cat hair.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

It's... true...?

Me: Huh?
Boyfriend: *playing Skyrim* I said I'm not about to leave without looting.
Me: Ah! See, I thought you said you're not about to leave without leaving, and that made NO sense.
Boyfriend: It doesn't make any sense... if you're a BUNNY!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Ah, thank you TV, and your half-heard comments...

Me: *watching tv* That sounds like a TERRIBLE pet name.
Boyfriend: What?
Me: Fruit in the middle.
Boyfriend: ... Gay guy that likes orgies?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Monday, November 21, 2011

I can't freaking believe he did that!!

Boyfriend: *brings me the debit card*
Me: *sticks hip out since hands are full*
Boyfriend: *slides card down my butt*
Me: *horrified stare*
Boyfriend: Your butt doesn't take credit.
Me: ... I meant for you to put it in my POCKET!
Boyfriend: Oh... that makes more sense.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

He never listens...

Boyfriend: Cottleston pie?
Me: Your FACE is Cottleston pie!
Boyfriend: Your MOM is cottage cheese pie!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: That's where you take cottage cheese and lard...
Me: Stop talking.
Boyfriend: Mix it together, and then bake it between two tires with no tread left on them.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Friday, November 18, 2011

I don't think that's how it goes...

Boyfriend: Cottleston Cottleston pie, a fly can't bird, but your mother's a whore.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I'm pretty sure she doesn't...

Boyfriend: The fish crawl into my brainwaves.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: It's true... They get in through my butt... Kohime-chan puts them there.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Sometimes I miss the puns... and it makes me even madder when I get them...

Me: *typoing* Ha. Dance of the 'seve' hams.
Boyfriend: Those would be the wholiest of hams.
Me: .... How are they holy?
Boyfriend: They're seives.
Me: >.<

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Dwarves could do the dance of the seven hams...

Me: *making grocery list* I don't think anyone would hold buying that against me.
Boyfriend: We would never hold lunch meat against people... in a negative way.
Me: ... How would you hold it against someone positively?
Boyfriend: Sensually.
Me: ... That's horrifying.
Boyfriend: What? You've never seen the dance of the seven hams?

Monday, November 14, 2011

Truth of face or smile? (All my internets if you get the reference)

Boyfriend's brother: No, I do not want to fall over.
Me: No one does... except weebles... and they can't.
Boyfriend: Their dreams will never come to fruition.
Me: Yeah, they're the saddest creatures in the world.
Boyfriend: They smile to hide their crushing pain.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Ooooh, the puns...

Boyfriend: *watching TV* You can use the rule of thumb to determine how thick the wall is? What, if your thumb fits in the hole, you can shove in the TNT? And beat your wife with it? So, you guys want to beat your wives with TNT. Well you can bet it's be an explosive breakup. I mean, if that happened, they'd NEVER get back together again... but hey, at least it'd end with a bang!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The carrion birds and maggots...

Me: *playing Minecraft* Woah! Where did that zombie come from?!
Boyfriend: Well when a mommy and a daddy zombie love each other very much, they kill a child. And that doesn't grow up...

Friday, November 11, 2011

Sometimes he grosses us BOTH out.

Me: My hands smell like lunch meat.
Boyfriend: Your MOM smells like lunch meat!
Both of us: *stare at each other, noses wrinkling at the thought*
Boyfriend: Never mind.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I HAVE to lay traps for him... it's in the contract.

Me: *cutesy voice* Do you think I'm absolutely flawless~?
Boyfriend: ... I love you.
Me: *raises a brow*
Boyfriend: I think you're cute~!
Me: Nice deflection, sir.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

He's trying to kill me...

Boyfriend: There's a place you should apply.
Me: Hmm?
Boyfriend: Joe's Crab Shack, apparently they're really looking to hire a lot of people.
Me: *allergic to shellfish, stare*
Boyfriend: What? It's not like you'd be eating everything there.
Me: I'd be TOUCHING it, and even just SMELLING some of it cooking makes me ill!
Boyfriend: That's true... But, you know, if you could hold your breath your entire shift, and make plates levitate with the power of your mind, it'd be perfect for you!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The sun and bile have a lot in commin

Boyfriend: I think they tried to make it look like the sun, but instead it just looked like pressed bile.

Monday, November 7, 2011

I actually meant that his mom was a creeper...

Me: *looking at Soul Sand* Yeah you're right, it has little creeper faces in it... like your mom.
Boyfriend: More like YOUR mom's vagina! They're wandering around in there going 'We can't do any more damage than has already been done! It's ALL bedrock in here.'

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Ooooh, the puns...

Me: *playing Minecraft* I hear sheep... What the hell are sheep doing underground?
Boyfriend: I dunno, maybe they're deep sheep.
Boyfriend's brother: Related to Deep Crows, but more sheepy... sheepish...

Saturday, November 5, 2011

He's not even trying anymore...

Boyfriend: *gives me a cookie*
Me: *teasing* You're trying to make me fat so no one will want me.
Boyfriend: Don't be silly, love, you're already fat.

Friday, November 4, 2011

I didn't want to know that...

Boyfriend: I shat so fast, it shattered the space-time continuum... in my pants.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I think chlamydia would work for that too...

Boyfriend: I dunno, I kinda like the idea of bursting in somewhere, penises blazing... you'd have to have gonorrhea though...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It's true

Boyfriend: Your mom is made entirely out of cellulite and syphilis.
Me: Syphullite!
Boyfriend: I was about to say the same thing.