Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Overheard from AngeliqueDaemon on her way home:

Girlfriend: There's nothing to do in an airport bar.
Boyfriend: Nothing you'd want to do, anyway. All you can really do is pick up Airport Bar Skanks, which are the lowest form of Bar Skanks besides your mom.

Friday, August 31, 2012

I DON'T think that's how it works..

Me: *looking at teeth in a little mirror*
Boyfriend: Don't worry, it'll fall out soon.
Me: *confused blink*
Boyfriend: Your tongue.
Me: O_O
Boyfriend: Then you'll grow your ADULT tongue! ^^

Friday, August 17, 2012

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

I disagree...

Me: That's not technically cursive.
Boyfriend: Your letters are connected! That means they're FANCY!

Friday, July 27, 2012

I don't think they bleat...

Me: I'm hungry... but I'm lazy...
Boyfriend: Quick! Start bleating like an elk! Maybe one will come feed you!
Me: ... WHAT?!

Monday, June 18, 2012

... What?

Boyfriend's brother: Fuck you and your fancy koala money.
Boyfriend: I LIKE fancy koala money, because it's plastic!
Boyfriend's brother: Well that IS fancy.
Boyfriend's father: You gotta watch koala's, because they have poisonous barbs on the ends of their tails.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

You have to ASK?!

Boyfriend: So I guess any plan of mine that starts with 'First we sharpen the spatula' is vetoed, huh?

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Mangnish Weekend - The return of the wise man

Boyfriend: Like a wise man once said, "Mi cabeza esta una puntana."
Me: ... Because he confused his Spanish and Italian?
Boyfriend: Yes.

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Does that make me Ansem?

Me: It's dark out! I don't need a hat!
Boyfriend's brother: The DARKNESS is your hat!

Saturday, April 28, 2012

It's.... true...?

Me: *talking about a Lolth papercraft* She looks so PLEASED too.
Boyfriend: It's because she knows she's got junk in trunk.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: It's full of eggs...

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

So does it turn into noodle-spawn?

Boyfriend: I can't even eat something that's TOUCHED cold noodles! It's noodle-tainted!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Sunday, April 22, 2012

He never did, mind you

Me: When did we get old, baby?
Boyfriend: We're not old, we're just frugal.
Me: .... What? That doesn't... Explain what that even means!
Boyfriend: ...
Me: You can't, can you?
Boyfriend: I can! Just... give me a minute...

Friday, April 20, 2012

I knew what he meant...

Me: *at the end of the KH3D trailer* It says March 2012! It's April!
Boyfriend's brother: It's March in Japan... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!
Me: That's a HELL of a time difference.
Boyfriend: That international dateline is a BITCH!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

This... doesn't really follow, does it?

Me: Why do you have to destroy my dreams!?
Boyfriend: Because I destroyed the coconut's dreams... of being a horse.

Monday, April 16, 2012

I don't know what he is anymore...

Me: *to bf's brother* You're a scholar and a gentleman.
Boyfriend: I'm a squid and a jungle gym!
Me: You sure are...

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Wait a minute...

Me: Does my hair look stupid? *shows off short, braided pigtails*
Boyfriend: You look SO German right now... like you should be walking through the Alps, holding mugs of hot chocolate.
Me: ... That's Swiss.
Boyfriend: Whatever, Germans have chocolate too.
Me: ... The Alps aren't even IN Germany!
Boyfriend: Well they WOULD have been, if Germany had won the war...

Monday, March 19, 2012

...Bortening?

Boyfriend: This spread is a combination of shortening and butter.
Boyfriend's brother: Shutter!
Boyfriend: Beep!
Boyfriend's brother: ...no, that'd be a combination of butter and sheep.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Sometimes we don't see eye to eye...

Boyfriend: I should have killed you.
Me: What?!
Boyfriend: I said I love you.
Me: No you didn't! You said you should have killed me! Not only do you want me dead, you're lying to me! *sniff* I don't know what's worse!
Boyfriend: But that's what love is! What did YOU think it was?
Me: Being honest and NOT wanting someone dead!
Boyfriend: ... Yeah, I can see how that would work too.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

... Wat?

Boyfriend: I prefer to think of the Australian accent as the coccyx, it's just a remnant of evolution that will eventually disappear. I mean Australia IS where all the evolution happens.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I'm crazy too, you know...

Boyfriend: *hugging me* Who's my little dingo?
Me: Do I get to eat babies?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Me: YAY! I'm your little dingo~!

Monday, March 12, 2012

She IS weird...

Boyfriend: You know what else is weird? Your MOM! Her existence is weird... because a black hole isn't supposed to have a mass.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

I'm sure there's more than that...

Boyfriend: It's Colorado! All that's there is skis and snow! They don't even have HOUSES, it's just piled up skies!

Saturday, March 10, 2012

Pretty sure that's not how it goes...

Boyfriend: *singing* As I went down to the river to pray, studying about your mom's a whore.

Friday, March 9, 2012

I don't think that's how evolution works...

Boyfriend: Your MOM'S an ugly duckling... except she's not a swan... she's an ugly duckling who grew up to be a beluga whale... who in turn will grow up to be Charlie Sheen... if she's not ALREADY Charlie Sheen. We haven't seen a picture of her in over a year...

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Sunday, March 4, 2012

It's true though...

Boyfriend: *playing The Sims 3* You're BABIES! You don't have PERSONALITIES! Yuor personalities are POOP and SLEEP!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Monday, February 27, 2012

Sounds about right...

Me: Your FACE is a display piece.
Boyfriend: Your MOM'S a display piece! 'Whores across history'.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Saturday, February 25, 2012

It's very ANGRY lovin'

Boyfriend: All Morbo's lovin'...
Me: What if I don't WANT Morbo's lovin'?
Boyfriend: *deadpan* That is not an option.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Why cannibalism is a bad idea...

Me: Noooooo! You're gonna eat me!
Boyfriend: No, I wouldn't eat you... I'd get stuff stuck in my teeth.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: Like... splanc-tic ganglion.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

He has a point, actually...

Me: I don't even know why I'm writing this...
Boyfriend: Your mother's a whore.
Me: ... Good answer.
Boyfriend: It's a good answer for most questions. "What time is it?" "Your mother's a whore." "What's for dinner?" "Your mother's a whore."

Sunday, February 19, 2012

He's impervious to sarcasm sometimes...

Me: Oh wow, the directions are combine one cup water, one cup sugar, and boil until combined.
Boyfriend: Yes that IS pretty simple.
Me: *sarcastically* I wonder if that's why they call it that.
Boyfriend: Complex syrup involves psychic powers.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Um... apparently?

Me: Apparently you also need firm tofu to make a sour cream substitute.
Boyfriend: What do you need to kill the Batman? REALLY firm tofu?
Me: Yes.
Boyfriend: And to kill Superman, you need krypto-fu.

Friday, February 17, 2012

... Are you sure?

Me: I was going to say 'let's go to bed', but I was looking at something.
Boyfriend: Well this is what happens when you put Jimmy Buffet in a position of absolute power.
Me: *starts writing*
Boyfriend: Nooooo! If he finds out I said that, he'll destroy us all! Fear the Buff Man!

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Seriously though... wtf commercials?

Boyfriend: *about a commercial* His confidence is a parasitic twin worm?
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: His confidence exists conjoined to his liver, as a parasitic worm to suck off nutrients.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: But can't the same be said for most kinds of confidence?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Um... no?

TV: When the waters cool down, the shrimp come to the surface...
Boyfriend: TO FEED ON THE FLESH OF THE LIVING!!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

If... you say so?

Me: I don't think narwhals are greasy...
Boyfriend: Well they LOOK greasy.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? They're a huge unicorn/penis hybrid! You can't tell me they aren't covered in grease!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Sorry, I mean unicorn/SALMON/ penis hybrid... *looks up pictures* Or maybe lake trout...

Monday, February 13, 2012

That woudl make anyone's argument invalid, yes...

Me: *blinks at a commercial* OH! B-A-R-E! Bare-skin condoms...
Boyfriend: *stares* You know... even if I didn't use them, I think I'd have to have bear-skin condoms. *shakes fist* "My penis is wrapped in BEARS! Your argument is invalid!"

Sunday, February 12, 2012

It's not the correctness I was debating...

Boyfriend: Just a spork full of goat piss makes the medicine come up...
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? You can't tell me it wouldn't.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

What does that even MEAN?!

Boyfriend: Your mother is a polarizing squid dweomer.
Me: ... What?!
Boyfriend: Well apparently your mother is a polarizing squid dweomer. *shrug*

Friday, February 10, 2012

... Force brining?

Boyfriend: There's a light side of the force, a dark side of the force, and the pickle side.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Well known fact?

Me: *singing* Heart and soul... I fell in love with you, heart and...
Boyfriend: Spleen.
Me: ... Yes, because the SPLEEN is the most romantic organ.
Boyfriend: Exactly! I mean, if someone breaks your heart, you're sad, but if someone ruptures your spleen, you die.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I don't think that's a good motto...

Me: Oh, I didn't realize Iowa was quite that far out.
Boyfriend: Well Iowa IS surprising like that... It should be the state motto! "Iowa, we'll fucking sneak up on you!"

Monday, February 6, 2012

He apparently has trouble with sandwiches...

Boyfriend: *after eating a sandwich and drinking a glass of milk* You know... I went into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee...
Me: And made a pb and j sandwich and a glass of milk instead?
Boyfriend: Peanut butter, strawberry preserves, and pastrami... or maybe it was pepperoni... I don't know.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: It turns out I NEED the attention span the nicotine gives me.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Mangnish Weekend - I don't even know what he's talking about...

Boyfriend: I'm gonna open the... peccadilloes del pene de papaya.
Me: The peccadilloes of the penis of papaya?
Boyfriend: Yes.
Me: I don't remember buying that...

Saturday, February 4, 2012

But... he says shit like that even WITHOUT the Nintendo...

Boyfriend: I love how old Nintendo games make you sound crazy, cause I'm like, "Aaaah! Fuck! Invisible birds in the sky!"

Friday, February 3, 2012

So you're saying... you went to Mickie D's?

TV: I had a heart attack AND a stroke!!!
Boyfriend: I had a heart attack, and a stroke, and some egg mcmuffins.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Monday, January 30, 2012

Saturday, January 28, 2012

Dark lord of the hoodie!

Me: I'm going to put my hood back up, because it's bright in here.
Boyfriend: Aaaaw! Who's my little Darth Snuggly?

Thursday, January 26, 2012

No, no it hasn't...

Boyfriend: I really, REALLY want to go shower...
Me: Then do so?
Boyfriend: I can't! Because then Judge Judy will sneak in and steal my penis!
Me: ... No.
Boyfriend: It's been known to happen!
Me: No, it hasn't.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Truer words were never spoken

Boyfriend: Declaring something the 'world's most dangerous shark', is like declaring something the 'world's most bulletiest gun'! They're ALL dangerous! Even the ones that AREN'T dangerous are dangerous!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Sorry, the days got away from me

Me: We need to get back on a normal sleeping schedule.
Boyfriend: Yes, but the point I was trying to make was... Teddy Roosevelt was a carpenter ant.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

No... just no...

Me: Kick! *kicks boyfriend*
Boyfriend: Oh no! I turn into a Bob Dole golem! It'd be called a Dolem... and it'd be made out of dolomite...

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Dried squid usually HAS been pressed...

Boyfriend: I cleaned out the squid press.
Me: ... So you can press squids?
Boyfriend: Into squid coffee.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: You know, squid juice with just a little creamer in it.

Friday, January 20, 2012

If it was Chinese, would it be a moose?

Boyfriend: *trying to open a USB mouse* Get out of the plastic, you cheap Japanese whore!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Sabertooth tiger computers

Boyfriend: I'm still trying to discover all of the delicious computer secrets of the Smilodon.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

This is why I don't let him cook...

Me: Want a piece of salami?
Boyfriend: I guess, I mean we don't have any pumpkin pie, but...
Me: *stare* ... Ew...
Boyfriend: What? It makes perfect gastronomical sense. Salami goes with pumpkin pie, and pepperoni with coffee.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

DO NOT WANT!!!

Boyfriend: Lemme have a piece of pepperoni.
Me: No.
Boyfriend: But what will I put in my coffee?
Me: ... Creamer?
Boyfriend: Creamer and pepperoni.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Sadly accurate

Boyfriend: *playing with new computer case* I don't even know what these do...
Me: I don't even know what your FACE does!
Boyfriend: It's like your mom, it doesn't do anything, it's just THERE, and makes loud noises.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Er... right...

Boyfriend: *singing* Who shall wear, the gerbil skulls, oh god, show me the way. Oh psychos let's go down...

Saturday, January 14, 2012

I don't think that's true...

TV: ... has weird sexual practices, the males lose their penis...
Boyfriend: Much like Republicans.

Friday, January 13, 2012

A petard is an explosive device...

Boyfriend: *playing minecraft, and blows himself up, launching him into the air* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I WAS JUST HOISTED BY MY OWN PETARD!!!!

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I don't EVEN want to know...

Me: Babe, are you a serious infection?
Boyfriend: Nah, I'm more of a comedic infection... like getting a cut and having it get infected with Jerry Seinfeld.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? It's better than dick clowns.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Don't we all?

Boyfriend: I like my coffee, like I like my cats... full of cream and pressed through a fine sieve.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Delicious bribery...

Boyfriend's brother: *looking at a gingerbread house* I can see where light is passing through this roof, this gingerbread house wouldn't pass code!
Boyfriend: Yeah, you'd have to get in a bunch of little gingerbread contractors...
Me: They'd be delicious...
Boyfriend: And pay a bunch of little gingerbread bribes in order to get them to pass... it's just better to eat it.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Sadly, not.

Me: I think the next time I play through, I'm gonna play through as an elf.
Boyfriend: I think the next time I play through, I'm gonna play through as YOUR MOM!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Oh wait, there's no option to play through as an ogre.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

THE PUNS!!!!!!!

Boyfriend: *singing* When the eel hits you in the face, and bites all over the place, that's a moray~

Saturday, January 7, 2012

... Indeed?

Boyfriend: It's a vicious cycle... of a fish... a fishious cycle...

Friday, January 6, 2012

Don't forget piscine cats...

TV: I was chasing a feline cat.
Me: Yes, a FELINE cat, as opposed to a canine cat.
Boyfriend: Yes, you have to be specific, or else soon there'll be weasel cats, and badger cats, and airplane cats... and that's just not good for anybody.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

That's... creepy

Me: *talking about typing* Well I don't keep my fingers in the proper place, I move them around.
Boyfriend: Yeah, I usually keep them attached to my elbows.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? I move them around.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Monday, January 2, 2012

She's the REAL archdemon...

Boyfriend: What bothers me the most about the radial menu is your mother's a whore.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

And the new year starts with a butt...

Boyfriend: Butt swan.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? Butt swans are a major problem in this day and age.