He's stuck on butt holes, because butt holes stuck on him?

Me: I am not using toothpaste on my ear holes.
Boyfriend: At least it's only your ears.
Boyfriend's brother: As opposed to what?
Boyfriend: Using it instead of hemorrhoid cream.
Me: No!
Boyfriend: MINTY FRESH BUTT HOLE!

Why is he obsessed with things in people's butts?

Boyfriend: I'm gonna shower.
Me: Mm hm
Boyfriend: In your butt.
Me: No.
Boyfriend: But it's like that old saying! "Butt showers bring what the hell are you doing?"

Can't what...?

Boyfriend: I can't anymore... not even with the penis fish...

Worst. Warhead. EVER!

Me: Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, my warhead punishes all.
Boyfriend: My warhead poops on cows.

Dragon Age presets... why?

Boyfriend: I'm going to sit here and stare at you... because MY mustache is MUCH finer than yours... and you KNOW it... deep in your heart.

Who wouldn't be?

Boyfriend: You were startled by the old duck man.

I don't know either

Boyfriend: I guess that's for when you wanna call a duck, slather it in mayonnaise, and then shave it.

Mangninsh Weekends - No... no one says that...

Me: *petting the cat* Cat bothering... or as they say in Spanish, "Molestando la gata."
Boyfriend: Or as they say in Mexican, not Spanish, "El gato con sofa!"

He keeps calling me that, too...

Me: *playing Skyrim* Ham shank? HAM SHANK?! You're lucky you're fucking IMMORTAL right now, or else I'd KILL YOU NOW, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
Boyfriend: Aaw... poor Ham shank.

Lava sharks

TV: I return to a volcano... erupting with sharks!
Me: That does NOT sound like a good place to go!
Boyfriend: Are you picturing a volcano just spewing great whites everywhere?
Me: Yes! With their mouths just gaping open...
Boyfriend: And lava in their mouths.
Me: *contemplates the full horror of that* My mind, baby! It is blown.

Kinda does, actually...

Boyfriend: Pork ball... that sounds like a name your mother would have...

CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!!!

Me: *doing a Thieves' Guild quest* Take all the valuable items? WHY AREN'T YOU POINTING AT THE CHEESE?!
Boyfriend: *laughs* It's udderly gold!
Me: ... I hate you...

I wouldn't want to play in that campaign...

Boyfriend: The only thing that came to mind was a campaign of pokeman, and not translating what they said.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: It's just be a whole campaign of 'Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirt!'

They'd be all squishy!

Me: I'm gonna do something to you.
Boyfriend: As long as it doesn't involve squids... or caltrops... or squidtrops.

Yes, we have no pregnant salsa

Boyfriend: Hey love, would you bring me that leftover jar of salsa... con... embarrassado?

They're not wooden, they're just... reserved...

Boyfriend: I'm... Dutch...
Me: You mean 'Dutch' as in German, or 'Dutch' as in wooden shoes?
Boyfriend: Wooden Germans.

Specificity helps A LOT!

Me: *hugs boyfriend*
Boyfriend: Your breath smells like seed.
Me: *stare* ...
Boyfriend: Fuck, what're they called... sesame seeds!

That's the truck NO ONE wants to see...

Boyfriend: You know what bothers me about that commercial? It advertises DISCREET delivery... What? Do other companies pull up outside your house in the giant 'Pee-hole Stick Truck'?!

What does that even sound like?!

Boyfriend: *hugging me and resting his ear on my head* I can hear you chewing.
Me: *eating a cracker* Mm.
Boyfriend: It sounds like a marble full of pee.
Me: *stops chewing*
Boyfriend: PeaS, dried peas! ... a balloon, not a marble... fuck!

None of that sounds appetizing...

Boyfriend: He sounds like he's trying to talk through a mouthful of oatmeal... and shit... shitmeal... or oatshit, either one.

Ain't that the truth?

Me: Well, have you thought about...
Boyfriend: *interrupts* Not much of anything.

They're not similar at all!

Boyfriend: Oh yeah, I forgot Uggle-shlub-bluh-blub is at the college.
Me: ... What?!
Boyfriend: You know, Uggle-shlub-bluh-blub, the... transcendental meditationist.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Librarian! They're similar.

Oh Shadowmere, you so crazy... and homicidal

Boyfriend: He's like, 'Fuck it, I'm a horse, I'mma kill everything.'

I love Skyrim...

Video game: Huh? Who's there?
Boyfriend: Hi, my name's Dovah... Dovah Kiin. I'm new to the neighborhood. I just thought I'd stop by and SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!

Um... When is that, exactly?

Boyfriend: Every now and then, you just have to give into temptation, and attempt to ride an elk.

Because she's a cat?

Boyfriend: Mona, how are you so adorable sometimes when you're just a fat sack of pudding-covered fur?

Is that like the dance of the seven hams?

Boyfriend: I don't want to do some weird arcane dance ritual of candy corn.

Oh D&D... the fun things that happen...

Boyfriend: I killed a guy by gluing a black bear to him.

It's true

Me: Shut up, I'm tired.
Boyfriend: Your mom's a tire.
Me: Heh, yeah.
Boyfriend: She's been around and around and around and around and around.

It's not just him

Boyfriend's brother: Damn theoretical kids! Get off my imaginary lawn!

Long story short, s'eepy = sleepy.

Boyfriend: You got your s'eepy in my cold!
Me: ... You got your cold in my s'eepy?
Boyfriend: This is the worst candy ever!

Is... that... what?

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life, you have to... rub donkeys with cream cheese....
Me: ... Any particular reason?
Boyfriend: Your mom.

I don't want to know how one goes into butt withdrawal...

Me: *shaking hips along with a song*
Boyfriend: You has the butt shakes! It's what happens when you go into butt withdrawal!

Apparently when you're tired, your eyes are hedgehogs?

Me: Your eyes are bloodshot as hell.
Boyfriend: I feel.... hedgehog right now.
Me: *stare* ... What does that have to do with me saying your eyes are bloodshot as hell?
Boyfriend: I was describing how I felt... my eyes are hedgehog right now.

No... no they really don't...

Boyfriend: You know, in poor third world countries, hundreds of kitten miners die every year to bring you that cat hair.

Yes, it was just as random and inexplicable for me too

Boyfriend: Peanut butter gremlin sauce!

It's... true...?

Me: Huh?
Boyfriend: *playing Skyrim* I said I'm not about to leave without looting.
Me: Ah! See, I thought you said you're not about to leave without leaving, and that made NO sense.
Boyfriend: It doesn't make any sense... if you're a BUNNY!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What?

Ah, thank you TV, and your half-heard comments...

Me: *watching tv* That sounds like a TERRIBLE pet name.
Boyfriend: What?
Me: Fruit in the middle.
Boyfriend: ... Gay guy that likes orgies?

So... Sheogorath's teeth?

Boyfriend: Bedlam teeth.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: The teeth of madness!

I can't freaking believe he did that!!

Boyfriend: *brings me the debit card*
Me: *sticks hip out since hands are full*
Boyfriend: *slides card down my butt*
Me: *horrified stare*
Boyfriend: Your butt doesn't take credit.
Me: ... I meant for you to put it in my POCKET!
Boyfriend: Oh... that makes more sense.

He never listens...

Boyfriend: Cottleston pie?
Me: Your FACE is Cottleston pie!
Boyfriend: Your MOM is cottage cheese pie!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: That's where you take cottage cheese and lard...
Me: Stop talking.
Boyfriend: Mix it together, and then bake it between two tires with no tread left on them.

That's not a very GOOD reply...

Boyfriend: Ask me a riddle, and I will reply... smack my bitch up.

I don't think that's how it goes...

Boyfriend: Cottleston Cottleston pie, a fly can't bird, but your mother's a whore.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't...

Boyfriend: The fish crawl into my brainwaves.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: It's true... They get in through my butt... Kohime-chan puts them there.

Sometimes I miss the puns... and it makes me even madder when I get them...

Me: *typoing* Ha. Dance of the 'seve' hams.
Boyfriend: Those would be the wholiest of hams.
Me: .... How are they holy?
Boyfriend: They're seives.
Me: >.<

Dwarves could do the dance of the seven hams...

Me: *making grocery list* I don't think anyone would hold buying that against me.
Boyfriend: We would never hold lunch meat against people... in a negative way.
Me: ... How would you hold it against someone positively?
Boyfriend: Sensually.
Me: ... That's horrifying.
Boyfriend: What? You've never seen the dance of the seven hams?

Truth of face or smile? (All my internets if you get the reference)

Boyfriend's brother: No, I do not want to fall over.
Me: No one does... except weebles... and they can't.
Boyfriend: Their dreams will never come to fruition.
Me: Yeah, they're the saddest creatures in the world.
Boyfriend: They smile to hide their crushing pain.

Ooooh, the puns...

Boyfriend: *watching TV* You can use the rule of thumb to determine how thick the wall is? What, if your thumb fits in the hole, you can shove in the TNT? And beat your wife with it? So, you guys want to beat your wives with TNT. Well you can bet it's be an explosive breakup. I mean, if that happened, they'd NEVER get back together again... but hey, at least it'd end with a bang!

The carrion birds and maggots...

Me: *playing Minecraft* Woah! Where did that zombie come from?!
Boyfriend: Well when a mommy and a daddy zombie love each other very much, they kill a child. And that doesn't grow up...

Sometimes he grosses us BOTH out.

Me: My hands smell like lunch meat.
Boyfriend: Your MOM smells like lunch meat!
Both of us: *stare at each other, noses wrinkling at the thought*
Boyfriend: Never mind.

I HAVE to lay traps for him... it's in the contract.

Me: *cutesy voice* Do you think I'm absolutely flawless~?
Boyfriend: ... I love you.
Me: *raises a brow*
Boyfriend: I think you're cute~!
Me: Nice deflection, sir.

He's trying to kill me...

Boyfriend: There's a place you should apply.
Me: Hmm?
Boyfriend: Joe's Crab Shack, apparently they're really looking to hire a lot of people.
Me: *allergic to shellfish, stare*
Boyfriend: What? It's not like you'd be eating everything there.
Me: I'd be TOUCHING it, and even just SMELLING some of it cooking makes me ill!
Boyfriend: That's true... But, you know, if you could hold your breath your entire shift, and make plates levitate with the power of your mind, it'd be perfect for you!

The sun and bile have a lot in commin

Boyfriend: I think they tried to make it look like the sun, but instead it just looked like pressed bile.

I actually meant that his mom was a creeper...

Me: *looking at Soul Sand* Yeah you're right, it has little creeper faces in it... like your mom.
Boyfriend: More like YOUR mom's vagina! They're wandering around in there going 'We can't do any more damage than has already been done! It's ALL bedrock in here.'

Ooooh, the puns...

Me: *playing Minecraft* I hear sheep... What the hell are sheep doing underground?
Boyfriend: I dunno, maybe they're deep sheep.
Boyfriend's brother: Related to Deep Crows, but more sheepy... sheepish...

He's not even trying anymore...

Boyfriend: *gives me a cookie*
Me: *teasing* You're trying to make me fat so no one will want me.
Boyfriend: Don't be silly, love, you're already fat.

I didn't want to know that...

Boyfriend: I shat so fast, it shattered the space-time continuum... in my pants.

I think chlamydia would work for that too...

Boyfriend: I dunno, I kinda like the idea of bursting in somewhere, penises blazing... you'd have to have gonorrhea though...

It's true

Boyfriend: Your mom is made entirely out of cellulite and syphilis.
Me: Syphullite!
Boyfriend: I was about to say the same thing.

I doubt you can MISS them coming...

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life... swarms of giant penis gophers.
Me: *pulls up the wordpad document*
Boyfriend: I should have seen that coming... like the penis gophers.

No, no, that's pretty flawed...

Boyfriend: Yeah, but we'd just drank a pot of coffee.
Me: Whose fault was that?
Boyfriend: Yours.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Well I made the coffee, and I drank it of my own free will, but... you're a witch.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: My logic is flawless!

How would that even...

TV: Why would you let erectile dysfunction get in the way...
Boyfriend: Well there are A LOT of things erectile dysfunction can get in the way of... painting, for example.

I have never wondered that...

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life, you just have to sit back, consider all your options, and wonder... 'Will my penis fit in there?' and 'Will I get it back?'

I don't think it was doing that in my toe...

Me: *removes a splinter from my toe* Ha! Fuck you splinter!
Boyfriend: Hey now, it's just doing its best... tryin' to raise some ninja turtles...

It's true

Me: We used to scare the shit out of Mom by making frog noises.
Boyfriend: Why?
Me: Because she's scared of reptiles and amphibians... or are you asking why we did it?
Boyfriend: No, I know why you did... but she's fucking bigoted against her own people. Self hate is the worst kind of hate.

No... no I don't think it could be...

Me: *poking boyfriend's groin*
Boyfriend: Why are you poking it?
Me: I just want to make sure it's a penis.
Boyfriend: Good point, it COULD be a fiddler crab. *humps* PINCH!

I love these conversations...

Boyfriend: *makes a horrifying shrieking noise* That's my impression of your mom as she swoops down on sheep... and not just normal sheep, PREHISTORIC SHEEP, so they're just all horns and no wool. She disembowels them with her MIGHTY TALONS, before stretching out her labia and flapping away... She's a whore-adactyl!
Friend: She rolls out her labia like a butterfly and flies away. She is the Quetzalcoatl the Aztecs worshiped... except they called her Quetzalcuntl.

Deeply, deeply disturbing

Me: Lemme finish watching this video, then we'll go to bed.
Boyfriend: Then I'll remove your sphincter.
Me: Which one?
Boyfriend: Yes.
Me: That's disturbing.
Boyfriend: What's even more disturbing is I'm planning to use a lobster to do it.

Mangninsh Weekends - He;s stuck on the penis, because penis is stuck on him

Boyfriend: Well, as a wise man once said, "Mi pene es muy simpatico."
Me: So his penis was very nice?

But... why?

Me: What if I pinch you?
Boyfriend: Nooooo! Then I'll have to rub broccoli all over my groin.

What is it with him and goblins?

Boyfriend: I'd protest more, but I think the goblin currently living in my sinuses would stick its head out and start swearing.

It's good advice?

Boyfriend: Remember, never take fire from strangers.

That's what HE says

Boyfriend: I will end the oppression of the squid-people! And all of their dealings with King George!

I really don't think they are...

Boyfriend: I was just telling Mona about how most cats are secretly Asian people.

Mangnish Weekends - Clearly, it's a romantic donkey

Boyfriend: El burro con amor.
Me: ... The donkey with love?

There ARE better ways to take care of that, you know...

Boyfriend: If it was just a matter of sterility and not cancer, I'd sleep with a radioactive video game nestled between my legs.
Friend: 'Hey, why ya walking funny?' 'Oh, I'm using a super famicom cartridge as a manpon.'

I really don't think that it is...

Me: Step one, don't trust anyone on the internet. Step two, live in a cave. Step three, own a double barrel shot gun. Step four... Profit?
Boyfriend: Explode in a shower of Guatemalans.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Well that's the best way to do it.

It's like Microsoft, but Nerf

Boyfriend: I'll let Squishysoft look around and see if it can find anything.

... I don't think it works like that...

Boyfriend: And then I overthrew the Duchess of Lima Beans, and was crowned the pope of Sweden.

Mangnish Weekend - I don't want to go into that kitchen...

Boyfriend: La cocina del fuego!
Me: ... The kitchen of fire?
Boyfriend: Yep.

Bad day, bro.

Boyfriend: I was laying outside, and I felt my foot move. I looked up and there was a squirrel sitting on my shoe. I blinked and said, "Squirrel!" and it looked at me, and then peed on my shoe, and ran away... that has been my day.

That is the OPPOSITE of helpful...

Me: Ooooooooooooooow!
Boyfriend: What's wrong?
Me: I slammed my knuckle into the edge of the table.
Boyfriend: Aww... want me to slam it in a desk drawer to make it feel better?
Me ... NO!

I had an inkling...

Boyfriend: Did you know that brake pads taste exactly like potatoes don't?

That explains a lot?

Boyfriend: I am made entirely of sparkly light and marshmallows in my head.

I'm not even sure what that means....

Boyfriend: I hate hate hate hate HATE that game!
Me: Tell us how you really feel, Kefka.
Boyfriend: SCWOON!

Um... I don't think those are the ONLY options...

Boyfriend: Did you just flip me off?
Me: <.< No? Why would you think that?
Boyfriend: Well it was either that, or you were throwing shark ovaries at me.

God I hope not!

Boyfriend: Sometimes I'm worried that my butt is developing a mind of its own, and it's going to outsmart me...

It's true...

Boyfriend: Eye squids.
Me: No squids in my eyes.
Boyfriend: No, no, they wouldn't live in your eyes, they just have eyes on their tentacles instead of suction cups.
Me: ... So they'd be voyeur squids?
Boyfriend: They'd be the natural symbiote of the exhibitionist panda.

Nah, because then she'd give Pharaohs their powers...

Boyfriend: See, when they're talking about the Egyptian God Horus, that's really a mistranslation, what they mean is... your mom.

Uterus hat?

Me: I can't tell if it's localized cramps, or just general lower abdomen cramps.
Boyfriend: Aaw, I'm sorry.
Me: It's not your fault.
Boyfriend: It COULD be.
Me: ... Are YOU restricting blood flow to my lower intestines?
Boyfriend: I COULD be.
Me: .... So... you're... my uterus?
Boyfriend: Maybe... I wear a lot of hats.

I hate him sometimes...

Me: I like a good rye bread sammich sometimes, but I don't like for like, peanut butter, you know?
Boyfriend: I like a good rye sense of humor.
Me: *hate glare*
Boyfriend: This bread is HILARIOUS.

Mangnish Weekend - That doesn't really help...

Boyfriend: Muy gusta. *sees my pained look* What?
Me: I'm trying to think of how to explain to you how that's wrong.
Boyfriend: Oh... So should I have said, "Muy gusta con carne"?

Sometimes I'm crazy too...

Me: Oh no, puddi bandits!
Boyfriend: Of the Serengeti?
Me: Yeah... they lay in wait for passing caravans, and then when they see a ripe target, full of puddi, they strike. With a blood-curdling cry, they charge on their heavily armored war-camels, and strike like lightening, robbing everyone of their puddi, before escaping in the blink of an eye, leaving only a dust trail in their wake.

I wasn't aware that was a length of time...

Me: Well if he isn't coming over for a bit, then I might Gundam.
Boyfriend: I don't know when he'll be over, but I'm gonna say... a dildo.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: And that's a metric dildo, not a standard dildo.

The lotion Iuse smells vaguely of hamster bedding

Boyfriend: I'm gonna turn the AC back on, because I don't know about you, but I'm an arm pit.
Me: I just got out of the shower, so I'm smelling good... and vaguely of hamsters.
Boyfriend: You don't just smell good, you smell HAMSTER good.

It does indeed...

Friend: That is gruesome.
Boyfriend: It does.

Thank you Captain Obvious...

Boyfriend: If you have days where you urinate full grown goblin sharks, it's bad for you.

Squids are not reliable messengers

Me: *throws a washer like a Frisbee, which lands on the server perfectly* Awesome.
Boyfriend: Alright, two squids.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: We're measuring points in squids now.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: Didn't you get the memo?
Me: *shakes head*
Boyfriend: Well, it was attached to a squid so...

I dunno about the ears, but grapefruit juice TOTALLY tastes like hate.

Boyfriend: It tastes like it's made from ears and hate! But most hate!

I have no idea what he's talking about...

Me: You know what I miss? Smoked cheese.
Boyfriend: And webbed feet.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: It's the south, everyone had webbed feet.
Boyfriend's brother: Except the frogs.
Boyfriend: Yeah, they just have feet covered in thumbs... and eyeballs.

Holy D&D reference Batman!

Me: Your FACE is the wrong shape.
Boyfriend: Your MOM is the wrong shape... she's whore-shape.
Me: Wouldn't that be the RIGHT shape, you know, for whores.
Boyfriend: Nah, she's the wrong shape even for whores, they all run in fear from her... though they worship her as a god from a distance.
Me: So she's like... the whore's Lolth?
Boyfriend: Yes... would that be Whoreth?

Wait... what?

Me: I dunno why I let my hair down, I have WAY too much stuff to do to take the time to brush and braid it.
Boyfriend: Maybe you're trying to attract the attention of a ghost.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: I dunno... Maybe there's a killer after you.

It's not just him...

Me: *failing an escort mission in DW: Gundam 3* GodDAMN it Uso! You spent your WHOLE life being told, "Don't jump in a field full of LASERS, lasers are BAD!" And what do you do? The second, the VERY SECOND you get the chance, you run STRAIGHT for the fucking lasers, to discover their delicious secrets!

The State reference ftw! I still didn't name the cat...

Me: No, I know what we need to do to get Shitbox to groom himself... but we'll need two hundred and fiddy dollahs worth of puddin'.
Boyfriend: ... And we'll throw it at a pet groomer until he grooms the cat for us?
Me: Yes.

Mangnish Weekends - I wasn't aware combs had an IQ, but...

Boyfriend: Mi peine es ritardado.
Me: So your comb is retarded?
Boyfriend: Yes.

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

Boyfriend: I stick things I don't like in George.

I never think that, actually...

Me: So here's what I'm thinking...
Boyfriend: The destruction of eastern civilization includes a cunning plan of tying cucumbers to pigeons?

Even Disgaea has NO idea what you're talking about...

Boyfriend: You know what my favorite thing is? When the prinnies are covered in a thick coating of vanilla icing and you throw them at a German.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Just because.

Bacon DOES make everything better...

Boyfriend: What about UFO's covered in bacon? That way people would finally notice them.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: They'd just be UFO's, completely coated in bacon... UBO's... They'd be the most delicious objects from another world... Well, that and Arby's.

Shitbox is one of my cats... We didn't name him...

Boyfriend: *reading a website* Kitten in gravy.
Me: I don't think you should serve a kitten in gravy.... *thinks* WE COULD COAT SHITBOX IN GRAVY! THEN HE'LL ACTUALLY GROOM HIMSELF!!!
Boyfriend: I dunno...
Me: Or at least the OTHER cats would groom him, and that works too.
Boyfriend's brother: *dies*

Oh the puns...

Boyfriend: *talking about Disgaea 3* Apparently the plants don't want more expensive stuff.
Me: Yeah well, they're broke, I mean, money doesn't grow on trees,you know?
Boyfriend: That IS the root of the problem.
Me: This conversation hurts me!

It's a real word, look it up.

Me: *looking up words that will be removed from a dictionary* Flibbertigibbet!
Boyfriend: They're taking flibbertigibbet out of the dictionary?!
Me: No, no, it's just a random link on the page.
Boyfriend: Oh good, because if they were, we'd have words... and one of them would've been flibbertigibbet.

Relationship mittens are the warmest.

Me: We have a special relationship!
Boyfriend: Yep, helmet and all.
Me: Oh! And mittens! Little relationship mittens!
Boyfriend: Yes, our relationship mittens are pinned FIRMLY to our sleeves.

It's true

Me: Well you're still gay.
Boyfriend: Your mom.
Me: That's it?
Boyfriend: I think your mom says enough stuff about her herself.

Well I'm sure there are a FEW others...

Boyfriend: Your mom.
Me: Not even gonna put anything else into that?
Boyfriend: Nah, I don't see a reason to put any effort into your mom... unlike every other male on the eastern seaboard.

How indeed...

Boyfriend: How do you record with this?
Me: Your butt.
Boyfriend: Your mom.
Me: I wasn't aware that my mom was a viable recording format.
Boyfriend: Of course she is, how else would you record mpwhore files?

I hate his puns...

Me: *playing with a paper fan* ... I don't do coy very well...
Boyfriend: Of course not, you're not a fish.

Mangnish Weekends - Late update due to power outage and derp

Boyfriend: Mi pene es en el bano.
Me: Your penis is in the bathroom?
Boyfriend: Mi peine es en el gato.
Me: ... I don't think the cat likes having your comb in it.

When Minecraft meets my mom...

Me: You can build a portal to hell... you know, in case you want to visit my mother.
Boyfriend: Nah, your mother lives in Florida, which is SIMILAR, but not QUITE it.

My life is full of bad puns

Me: Mynah birds would be more distracting.
Boyfriend's brother: With little helmets and pick axes?
Me: ... Yes, absolutely.

I don't even know...

Boyfriend: I should be able to do this very simply... with a duck... in the butt... butt ducks... awoo ooo ooo dee dee.

Warning labels are important

Boyfriend: You're nuts.
Me: I might CONTAIN nuts.
Boyfriend: ... Apparently?
Me: I HAVE been known to eat nuts.
Boyfriend: ... I was about to say "You can't eat nuts, you're allergic to shrimp."
Me: ...
Boyfriend: Everyone knows crustaceans are a form of nut.

Love hurts... apparently

Me: *being hugged* My glasses! They've become one with the bridge of my nose!
Boyfriend: *lets go* Aw, I was only trying to suffocate you, not hurt you.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Because I love you.

It WOULD be horrible

Me: *hugs boyfriend* I'm gonna do horrible things to you!
Boyfriend: You're gonna invite your mother over?
Me: No, that'd be doing horrible things to the whole family.

Innuendo!

Boyfriend: The lack of nicotine is making me want to eat everything everywhere forever.
Me: *leer* *I* got something you can eat.
Boyfriend: No you don't actually.
Me: .... *look down, look at him, look down, look at him* I did the last time I checked.
Boyfriend: Oh! I thought you meant wang.
Me: No, that'd be 'I got something you can suck on'.
Boyfriend: Ah, my mistake.

I'm not sure those two things have anything to do with one another...

Me: You're gay.
Boyfriend: Your mom's a trout.

I'm not gonna try that hot sauce...

Boyfriend: My hot sauce looks like Ratatouille... and by that I mean it looks like I'm cooking a rat in a chef's hat.

Bass = musical instrument AND a fish

Boyfriend: Ah, the Ace of Bass... it's alright, but I prefer the Ace of Haddock... the Four of Smelt...
Me: Shut up.
Boyfriend: The Queen of Cod!

I don't want to play that game...

Boyfriend: It's like Monopoly, with demons! And by that I mean demons made it.

It's not just him...

Me: It was like the embodiment of hate just appeared before me and jizzed in my mouth!

Huh?

Boyfriend: How about Soya Saga? It's the story of the battle for the search of the best soy sauce.
Me: ... It's... the battle for the SEARCH for the best soy sauce, not the soy sauce itself?
Boyfriend: Yeah.

How exactly DOES Alaska taste?

Boyfriend: My pants taste like Alaska.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: By that I mean I'm sleepy.

Ah the Muppet Show... we have the first season on DVD

Me: YOU'RE borked.
Boyfriend: I'm not a Swedish Chef.

But they actually get PAID...

Boyfriend: Well as a wise man once said, "Something something something..." I forget the rest, but your mom's a whore.

Probably...

Me: Haha, now I've got you singing it.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Me: It's catchy!
Boyfriend: Like your mom! She's catchy disease-y!

It doesn't really...

Boyfriend: I am made out of bat zygotes.
Me: Bat zygotes?
Boyfriend: Bat zygotes.
Me: Ah... well that explains a lot.

It's like I WANT to see that porno, but at the same time...

Me: I don't know where I was going with that sentence... "I don't you"
Boyfriend: You don't love me?!
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: "I don't you," you don't love me!
Me: ... Sure.
Boyfriend: Aaaaaaw... now I'm gonna have to shove tiny cucumbers up your nose... and then every time you sneeze you can yell 'Pickle Tornado!'
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: I heard someone yell that in a porno once.

I wouldn't watch that...

Me: Your FACE is a tv series.
Boyfriend: Your MOM is a tv series... Lifestyles of the Poor and Skanky.

Adorable or awful? You decide!

Boyfriend: Tiny turtle buttons.
Me: What?
Boyfriend: Tiny turtle buttons! Instead of buttons they're tiny turtles, and they just sit there and walk... and when you want to unbutton, they draw in their heads and legs.

He doesn't listen so well...

Me: Am I hungry because I'm ACTUALLY hungry, or am I hungry because I just THINK I'm hungry?
Boyfriend: *from the other room* Are you hungry because the pelicans are voting Republican, or are you hungry because you think you're sad?

I am not a canine octopus

Boyfriend: *mumble mumble* walrus... No! Poodle!
Me: I didn't hear a fucking word you just said.
Boyfriend: I said you're a vicious eight-legged attack poodle.
Me: ... *Stare*
Boyfriend: But you're MY vicious eight-legged attack poodle.

... Maybe?

Boyfriend: The ultimate disguise! A penis!

I am, in fact,none of these.

Me: I love you baby.
Boyfriend: I love you too gastropod.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Cephalopod?
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: No wait! Pseudopod!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Because you have false feet.

The 'Your mom' jokes never end around here.

Boyfriend: Clearly I need to start over... at life. Quick, somebody find me a reincarnation specialist!
Me: Yeah, I was about to say we needed to find a druid... But what if you come back as a kobold?
Boyfriend: Well, then I'd be interested in your mother.

I don't think it's the same...

Boyfriend: I wonder if the Japanese like Rice Crispies...
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: It's rice.

The difference is I actually LIKE dragons

Boyfriend: I'd say your mom, but you already said dragon.
Me: Don't insult dragons!!
Boyfriend: You're right... bog troll!

Mangnish Weekends - 'Quick, say something in Spanish!'

Me: Rapido, dices algo en espanol!
Boyfriend: Mi no es habla el parable en espanol por... *twiddles fingers* Rapido... Decir.
Me: "My isn't speaks the word in Spanish for quick to talk". I think that's what you said anyway.

It's a good question...

Boyfriend: So I saw the commercial for Kidz Bop, and they got to a little kid singing 'The Lazy Song," and I thought, "Gee what are they gonna change the line 'I'm gonna meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex'? 'I'm gonna meet a really nice priest'?"

Apparently in Texas they eat fingers...

Me: Woah! We're not trying to put FINGERS in this tomato sauce.
Boyfriend: Yeah, we're not in Texas.
Me: ... Do they... put fingers in their tomato sauce in Texas?
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Me: ... Why?
Boyfriend: Fingers.

It hurts where the TMNT reference is...

Me: The funny part is, it doesn't even hurt where the splinter is.
Boyfriend: Yeah, it hurts where the Raphael is... and the Michelangelo.

He's not very good with colors...

Boyfriend: the way I look at it, everything up to and including Tweety Bird is yellow. Everything else is orange.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Everything up to and including 'not orange'.

This will now be someone's thesis

Boyfriend: I'm pretty Dune was just a really poorly novelized rip off of the Wizard of Oz. They keep mentioning the Golden path, which is the Yellow Brick Road. The Fremen are the munchkins, Baron Harkonnen is the flying monkey, the leader of the Fremen is the wizard, and the Emperor is the wicked witch, because after Paul threatens to add Water of Life to a pre-Spice mound, his empire melted around him. Spice is the ruby slippers because everyone wants to control it.

His thoughts are fattening.

Boyfriend: My thoughts taste like butter.

Mangnish Weekends - His name ISN'T 'rapid'

Boyfriend: Que ahora es? Son las me llamo.
Me: ... What time is it? They are my name?
Boyfriend: Me llamo rapido.

I don't think the Bleu Cheese gremlins like that very much.

Boyfriend: Sometimes the Ranch dressing goblins attack while you sleep.

Beats the shit out of me

Boyfriend: How do you ade a marmal?

Crazy juice isn't a very popular marinade.

Me: Wait, I'm trying to open the document, but my computer's being slow. So you just sit over there and be quiet and marinate in the crazy juice.
Boyfriend: But it's the season, turn turn turn, for marmalade in your eyeballs, turn turn turn.

I don't think that's what he's supposed to do...

Me: I dunno, maybe, but I might just end up doing what I did last night, and doze off for an hour before waking up and being unable to sleep.
Boyfriend: See the thing is, I'm the Kwisatz haderach, and I'm here to steal all your light bulbs.

Would that be a Japanese store?

Me: I'm ugly.
Boyfriend: If you keep saying that, I'm going to throw squids at you.
Me: You don't have any squids.
Boyfriend: I'll go get some.
Me: ... From... the squid store?
Boyfriend: Yes, Squids R' Us.

Mangnish Weekends - Surprisingly, he's right on both counts

Boyfriend: As a wise man once said, "Yo no quiero queso con pene."
Me: So he didn't want cheese with penis?
Boyfriend: No one does... but still that's better than 'queso del pene'.

Mangnish Weekends - Hopefully never...

Boyfriend: And remember the most important question: Que es el ahora de embarasado?
Me: "What is the now of pregnant?"
Boyfriend: Mm hm.

Ah Minecraft... what?

Boyfriend: You never know! He could run off and tell the other sheep something, and then BAM! Creepers in my ceiling!
Me: So... you're saying Creepers and sheep are working together?
Boyfriend: Hey, both Creepers AND sheep are tricky!

It's true though...

Boyfriend: Old people worry me more, because they've had time to sit around and get tricky.

It's really not... if it was, things would be a lot stickier and smellier.

Me: You know, I didn't get stuffy noses like this before I moved up here.
Boyfriend: That's because of the three hundred percent humidity. You see, the air in Florida is actually jello pudding.

That is NOT what I said!

Me: Alright, let's go to bed.
Boyfriend: Yeah, let's go rub fish gonads in our hair.

I don't think it works that way

Boyfriend: I want to find a way to genetically combine an alligator and a hamster.
Me: Any particular reason?
Boyfriend: Think about it, people are always making alligator skin handbags and purses, then if it had like, those cheek pouches like a hamsters it'd be like... I dunno, some kinda goddamn subspace right there.

Mangnish Weekends - I'm probably spelling that wrong...

Boyfriend: Mi queso es muy embarasado.
Me: Your cheese is NOT very pregnant!!

Mangnish Weekends - Sometimes he actuallt makes sense

Boyfriend:B Well as a wise man once said, "Su pantelones esta aqui.'
Me: *stare in shock*
Boyfriend: What?
Me: You realized what you just said was actually perfectly grammatically correct, and made sense, right?
Boyfriend: ... Well shit... What did I say?
Me: His, or her, pants are here.
Boyfriend: Ah... so THAT'S why you were staring.
Me: Yes.

He needs to get those two straight.

Boyfriend: He's not covered in nearly enough scales to be a crocodile... unlike your MOM.
Me: Don't be silly, she's in Florida, that would make her an alligator.

Wait... what?

Boyfriend: Well if it's that he's overslept, then I'm gonna need a duck, and two cubic feet of twine. That way I can reverse time.
Me: ........... How?
Boyfriend: I'm not entirely sure yet, but I'm pretty sure centrifugal force will come into play, and possible the Bernulli principle... or whatever it's called. Maybe it's the Cockern principle, in which case I'll accidentally invent the warp drive...I'm pretty sure that's the secret to faster than light travel, spinning ducks. They did try the same theory atone point with a couple swans and scotch tape, but that just created a black hole... a small one. That's how, you know, Santa Clause got his beard.

Sometimes in life, crustaceans?

Boyfriend: He was up kinda... *flailing incoherent gesture*
Me: ... Use your words, dear.
Boyfriend: Lobsters.

Are those the same tubes the interwebs use?

Me: Why don't you just go to sleep?
Boyfriend: The tubes... in the air... full of ice cream... and wizards.
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: See, if I go to bed, the tubes full of ice cream and wizards will clog.

Mangnish Weekends - It's all about the cheese...

Boyfriend: Queso de la Fernando.
Me: Cheese of the (feminine) Fernando?
Boyfriend: Yes... It should've been "Queso del Fernando," huh?
Me: Yeah.

Mangnish Weekends

Me: *mimicking a commercial* Porque no los dos?
Boyfriend: Porque el fumar es un arroz!
Me: ... Because the to smoke is a rice?
Boyfriend: *shrugs* Es en fuego.

Doctor Who reference alert.

Me: Your FACE is weird!
Boyfriend: Your MOM'S a... face...
Me: <.< My mom's the Face of Bo
Boyfriend: She's just a huge, shriveled old face in a jar... with pinwheels sticking out of it from all angles... and a TV antennae for no reason.... three eyes, one socket... and a nose in the other socket... midgets on tricycles orbiting around her...

Seriously, he avoids washing silverware like the PLAGUE!

Me: *teasing* Maybe you could hire someone that could wash the silverware for you. That way you don't have to worry about it sneaking through the house, slipping past your mom and brother, sneaking upstairs... grooming the cats a bit as it goes by... then stacking up so it can open the door, and slipping inside the room... fucking with Kohime-chan a bit because she's there and she'll be rolling around it... and then stacking up, borrowing into your bed... and then GOUGING out your eyes!
Boyfriend: You shouldn't joke about that... my friend was raped by a salad fork.

Pickle farm sounds like a euphamism...

Boyfriend: Ah the pickle farm, where pickles can roam freely... bounding rom glen to glen. Their wild horns growing unchecked, their fluffy coats...
Friend: *holding a pencil* I'm going to put this through your eye.
Boyfriend: And then there's the annual pickle shearing festival.

He doesn't tell time so well...

Boyfriend: I got up at almost six.
Me: NEAT trick, considering I got up at ten after five, and you were GONE.
Friend: Where did YOU go?
Boyfriend: Time.

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: El gato es inflado!
Me: Yes baby, the cat is inflated.

But what color IS that?

Me: *looking under the computer table* Which of these is the internet cable?
Boyfriend: It's the internet-colored one.

Crazy, fat and retarded... he's so loving...

Me: *flails hands about* Agablugablugablug!
Boyfriend: o.o
Me: I'm bored.
Boyfriend: Yeah, you ARE a little crazy.
Me: ... I said I was BORED!

I don't like that kind of love...

Boyfriend: I don't ever want you to go anywhere, *clearly joking* even if I have to gnaw your foot off at the ankle...
Me: O.o
Boyfriend: ^^ With love~
Me: O_O
Boyfriend: I love you so much, I'll hobble you~

Sometimes he doesn't even try

Boyfriend: It dries out the eyeballs... like a cat... in a fish... in... crazy words.

He's been magic grinding for me in FFVI

Me: You know, you can switch between characters with the bumpers.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but it's been AGES since I last last piloted a canary into the Falkland Islands.

If you hadn't noticed, we're not Twilight fans...

Boyfriend: *looking at computer parts* Ooooooooooh, is it bad that I want this power supply because it's named 'sparkle'?
Me: Yes, yes it does.
Boyfriend: But then my power supply would be a vampire!!!!!
Me: No!
Boyfriend: A gay, gay vampire gay.

Mangnish Weekends - He doesn't have dog...

Boyfriend: Mi perro es en fuego
Me: So your dog's on fire?
Boyfriend: Yeah.

Mangnish Weekends

Me: You've been slacking on your Spanish.
Boyfriend: Mi cuando es el manos.
Me: ...
Boyfriend: El gato es un huevo!
Me: So, "My when is the (singular) hands," and also, "The cat is an egg."

"Things" is a big damn umbrella...

Boyfriend's Brother: I just loved this line from the Rodan movie, "Send us machine guns and other things!"
Boyfriend: Yeah... we sent them machine guns, a waffle iron, three tablespoons, but they're decorative tablespoon, so they're actually less than a teaspoon, a box of jello pudding cups shaped like the empire state building, twenty-seven packs of cigarettes, and Rush Limbaugh's autobiography.

Ha ha, Gundam humor

TV: It's like having a gym for your hands!
Boyfriend's brother: If I get a GM for my hand, I want a Zaku for my feet.

More like hobgoblin

Me: My dad used to come up behind me, put his arms around my shoulders and then force me to support his weight, all the time.
Boyfriend: Because he wanted you to have back problems?
Me: Nah, because my family is made entirely out of trolls.
Boyfriend: Yeah, except your mom... who's just a goblin.

Yes, and that makes me SO weird...

Boyfriend: *pours the last of the juice in my cup, and then finishes filling it from his cup*
Me: o.o You didn't have to do that.
Boyfriend: I know, but I'll just mix and match, and I figured you might like this better since you actually have a pallet... and since you enjoy FLAVORS.

Wiser words were never spoken?

Boyfriend: Well let me go poop, and then I'll go do that.
Me: NO! No poop for you! Ever!
Boyfriend: Alright then, I'll just go gut an ostrich.
Me: o.o ...
Boyfriend: And that's why you should know all the qualifiers before you set a limitation.

Ha ha, D&D references

Boyfriend: Oh they have just roving mischeifs of mice in Australia that eat everything in a straight line... it's like being assaulted by billions of tiny tarasques.

The need to think about their products a bit more...

Boyfriend's brother: Did you see the cute thing I showed Angelique? *offers Nintendo Power* It's an Okamiden plush!
Boyfriend: That IS really cute...
Boyfriend's brother: Though as she said, the pillow is a bit disturbing.
Boyfriend: Amate-roadkill!

Words are fun

Me: What are you doing, baby?
Boyfriend: Sublimating some water off this hot sauce.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: Evaporating!

Seriously though, I've never even SEEN West Side Story

Me: I want a jet shark. I'd launch it at my mother.
Boyfriend: Then you could have West Side Story with just one group.
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: What?
Me: ... You're gay.

In crazy land, maybe...

Boyfriend's brother: *talking about a commercial* I thought that dog was a sheep...
Boyfriend: It could've been... sometimes dogs are sheep.

Somtimes we argue during D&D

Me: Your FACE is a cleric spell!
Boyfriend: Your MOM is a cleric spell!
Me: *snort* An inflict spell... Is there a spell that inflicts disease?
Boyfriend: Nah, it'd be 'Inflict aged whore'.

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Donde esta mi pene del gato?
Me: ... It's ON the CAT, love.

I thought they bled copper... or is that just horseshoe crabs?

Boyfriend: I'm full of salt water! I'm bleeding like a crab!

I suppose anywhere on land would be...

TV: It's not an easy place to be a woman.
Boyfriend: Well it's an even HARDER place to be a mackerel.

That wasn't it at ALL

Boyfriend's brother: Anything you want us to look for while we're out?
Me: I can't remember the name of that book...
Boyfriend: Sheep shearers of the Serengeti?

Yet another reason why he doesn't cook...

Me: I think I'll start the chicken around noon or one, since I have to boil it off the bone, and then pick it, and everything...
Boyfriend: And gut the sheep.
Me: ... Why would I need to gut sheep for chicken and dumplings?
Boyfriend: Dumpling sheep.

That's certainly one interpretation of it, yes...

Me: *got a new title in Dragon Quest 9* Hooray, I'm a Supreme Spelunker!
Boyfriend: Is that your thief's achievement for getting all the poo?

Well I guess they have to check for loot EVERYWHERE...

Me: *talking about Dragon Quest 9* My thief keeps sticking her hands in the enemies' butts!
Boyfriend: They do that.
Me: Well she steals horse manure off the horses, and webbing off the spiders.
Boyfriend: Clearly your thief is into anal fisting.

Mangnish Weekends - It's true though...

Me: *sighing* Ay dias mia.
Boyfriend: Ay, mi cabeza es grande.
Me: ... It is.

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: El amor de mi gato.
Me: ... The love of your cat?
Boyfriend: That or el amor de mi guapo.
Me: So... the love of your handsome, then?

Surprise duck sauce is surprising

Boyfriend: Oh!
Me: Hmm?
Boyfriend: Oh, never mind... I thought the Playstation Store might be up, since it was giving me some kind of... duck sauce.
Me: Giving you what?
Boyfriend: Duck sauce.
Me: That's what I thought you said...

"Hi Kettle, this is Pot... you're black."

Me: *talking about a typo* God poop... that's what hail is. See, it freezes when it passes through space, and then breaks up once it hits the atmosphere, and then freezes again in the cold air.
Boyfriend: *stares*
Me: Meteorites are kidney stones ^^
Boyfriend: You're a little odd, love.

He was rather adamant about it

Boyfriend: *stirring his yogurt with his finger*
Me: Stop fingering your yogurt.
Boyfriend: No.

It's the beer NO ONE wants...

Me: Except the Blackjack was destroyed, so there'll just be hookers.
Boyfriend: Or hookerjack... It's liquor distilled from hookers!
Me: ... Ew...
Boyfriend: Yeah... also known as Syphilale.

Well every culture DOES have their weird vampire myth...

Me: *talking about a commercial* I don't think vampires eat pistachios.
Boyfriend: I don't think vampires have absolutely anything to do with pistachios... unless they're some kind of weird fucking Peruvian vampire.

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Por una palabre con carne del gato.
Me: So... 'For a word with meat of the cat''
Boyfriend: Yes.

Isn't it in Puerto Rico?

Boyfriend: Donde esta la ciudad de carne?
Me: ... Where is the city of meat?
Boyfriend: Yep.

It's true though...

Me: Well I'm sure he's seen them in movies and on TV.
Boyfriend: And video games... and cats.
Me: ... Yes, because every cat has its own AK-47
Boyfriend: Little known fact.

He would, too...

Me: We still have blueberries and strawberries in the fridge.
Boyfriend: We can mix them in with the garlic!
Me: NO!!!!
Boyfriend: ... I'd eat it.

Aaaah, outdated slang... what the hell do you even MEAN?

Boyfriend: So, one of the great questions of the universe... What is a flibberty, and why would you need to hang it?
Me: ......
Boyfriend: You know, 'flibbertygibbet'.
Me: ........
Boyfriend: A gibbet is where you hang people from, so a fliberty gibbet would be where you hang flibberties. I just wanted to know what one was.
Me: ..........
Boyfriend: Why?
Me: *nod*
Boyfriend: I don't know.

That does NOT sound delicious at ALL...

Boyfriend's brother: *eating crackers and creme cheese* Well I think I'm done with these...
Boyfriend: Would you pass me the sea salt and... Caribbean toe nail?

I hate milk, so as far as I'm concerned it might as well be that anyway

Me: *talking about a commercial* Real California milk... as opposed to FAKE California milk... now whether it's fake California or fake milk, who knows...
Boyfriend: It's really just chalk in motor oil.

Mangnish Weekends - Invasion of the wise men again

Boyfriend: As a wise man once said, "Vamos, mi cabeza es muy caliente!"
Me: So he said, "Let's go, my head is very hot..." You know what? I'll buy that.

Ah, thank you Malt-o-Meal Cereal...

Boyfriend's brother: It's supposed to be Super Golden Crisps. You know, the cereal with the bear that sounded like Bing Crosby?
Boyfriend: So... since this is the off-brand, would it have a badger that sounds like Al Jolson?
Boyfriend's brother: ... YES!!!!!

It's true though...

Me: Oh, apparently Bug is super effective against Psychic.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Me: I didn't know that... It doesn't really make sense, either.
Boyfriend: Well you know, paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and caterpillar beats Yuri Geller.

I've never really had that problem actually...

Me: I need to go shower...
Boyfriend: Good idea.. it'll keep you from turning into some kind of pirate squid.

I AM dastardly though... fiendish, even

Me: I'm so dastardly.
Boyfriend: You are.
Me: But I don't have the mustache for it.
Boyfriend: Well, we can just get you a top hat, it's the same effect.
Me: Oh WAIT! I DO have a mustache, apparently, it's just not the right kind. *glare*
Boyfriend: We'll get you some mustache wax.
Me: ... You don't LISTEN to yourself, do you?
Boyfriend: I don't listen to ANYONE, why the hell would I listen to MYSELF, especially when I KNOW I'm full of shit... Besides, I'd just end up accidentally insulting myself.

I don't even remember what we were talking about...

Boyfriend: I look at it, and my initial reaction is giant sculptures of poodles made entirely out of cream cheese.
Boyfriend's brother: I don't think that's an actual reaction to anything... or if it is, I'd like to know to what.
Boyfriend: Generally speaking, powerful hallucinogens.

Brought to you by Mother's Day... she is tan though... like old, beat up leather...

Me: *crocheting* THIS BLANKET IS MY WHITE WHAAAAAAAALE! ... So it's my mom.
Boyfriend: That's a BLINDINGLY white whale then.
Me: She's more tan than me.
Boyfriend: I dunno, I thought she was pale and translucent... like a grub.
Me: I thought she was a leather sofa.
Boyfriend: She is... she's a leather sofa made of grubs... grub leather. It's a small market.

Mangnish Weekends - It's Salmonella-licious?

Boyfriend: As a wise man once said, "Mi pollo es tu muerte."
Me: ... Thank you, I needed something for this weekend.
Boyfriend: What did I say?
Me: "My chicken," as in the food, not the animal, "is your death."
Boyfriend: Ah, that makes sense then.

Words of... wisdom?

Boyfriend: Women are like parking spaces... you have to park across two in order to keep from getting your sides smashed up.
Me: .... That doesn't even make SENSE!
Boyfriend: I know, I don't know what it means either.

Part wom, part bat, all BAD ASS

Boyfriend: Ha ha, wombats.
Me: YOU'RE a wombat.
Boyfriend: Your MOM'S a wombat.
Me: DON'T INSULT WOMBATS!

They'd have to have the ice skates on their hands though...

Me: I'm not sure why hamsters like accordions, but it only makes sense.
Boyfriend: Just like orangutans like ice skating.
Me: Be...cause they want to die?

At least he stopped himself this time...

Me: *cooking* I always get WAY more green beans than I need, like ALL the time, and I never stop to think I don't need anywhere NEAR that many... *sigh* It's because I'm dumb.
Boyfriend: Aaaaw, you're not dumb...
Me: *waits a second for him to continue* I'm just big-boned?
Boyfriend: You know, I ALMOST said that.

Mangnish Weekends - The difference is, I do it on purpose.

Boyfriend: I'm sleepy.
Me: Me too.
Boyfriend: Then let's go to sleep.
Me: But mi pene es en un muneco!
Boyfriend: .... Your penis is in a doll?
Me: ... Maybe...

Mangnish Weekends - I shouldn't have to translate any of that, really...

Me: Donde esta mi pene?
Boyfriend: No es pene! Es una burro!
Me: ... I think I would have noticed that, you know.

No, no he doesn't...

Me: *look up* Babe, I has a dumb.
Boyfriend: *looks over at me* Yes.
Me: ............ You don't LISTEN to yourself, DO you?

I don't know what those have to do with each other...

Boyfriend: Ok, here's what I'm thinking... ow.
Me: That's what you're always thinking.
Boyfriend: No, I mean, I was thinking... winter solstice, dairy farmers, and Mesapotamia.

So... is that part of the B vitamin family?

Me: Aaaaw... I feel older than my friends that are older than me!
Boyfriend: It's good for you! It has rage-oflavin!

Sometimes I'm a lot of pun

Boyfriend: *babbling about hard drive size*
Me: Ow! My gigs! They hurt!
Boyfriend: ... That's AWFUL, love.

It all comes back to my mother apparently

Boyfriend's brother: Potatoes are like green beans.
Me: ... In that... they're both full of chlorophyll?
Boyfriend: What? Who's full of chlorophyll? Your mom?

Little known historical fact

Me: *playing FFVI* Yep, apparently she's wearing a bikini, paldroons, a cape and boots.
Boyfriend: As many people wore to war. King Arthur himself perfected the outfit, formally known as the 'War WTF'.

Why would you even WANT that flavor?

Me: Eat your yogurt.
Boyfriend: But it's not lobster-gator flavored!

Sometimes I think he does...

Me: You almost tore out my eyes!
Boyfriend: Because I love you!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Because if you were blind, I'd learn sign language!
Me: ... Because... you hate me?

Because dieing turns you into a cow, well-known fact

Me: Well that was stupid,
Boyfriend: What?
Me: I just walked by you with a knife sticking out in your direction.
Boyfriend: Aw, that's ok. If you accidentally stab me and murder me, I'll haunt you. I'll float around you going, "Mooooooooooooo!"

Mangnish Weekends - He gets stuck on words, sometimes

Boyfriend: Yo cuando un ipo!
Me: You know you just said, "I when a hiccup," right?

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Yo soy un ipo!
Me: ... You're a hiccup?

It's udder cream flavored!

Boyfriend: Where's your... face... seasoning.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: You know, you rub it on your face...
Me: Lotion?
Boyfriend: Lotion, face seasoning, same thing.

My mother is not a video game character...

Me: *reading Flailthroughs* That's a guy in a hippo suit...
Boyfriend: What? Your mom's where?

That would NOT be a taste sensation

Me: Would it make you feel better if I made hummus tonight?
Boyfriend: Better yet! We can make hummus, strawberry, apple pie!
Me: ... Go to your room.

I don't think that's an actual profession...

Boyfriend: When people are worried, their eyeballs vibrate. Just ask any eyeballogist.

Mangnish Weekends - It's not just him

Me: Mi pene is muy grande, y fuerte!
Boyfriend: ... Wait... did you just say that your penis is big and strong?
Me: Yes.
Boyfriend: Love... You don't HAVE a penis.
Me: It's a metaphorical penis, you know, like the penis of my heart.

Mangnish Weekends - I've really never said that.

Boyfriend: I thought you were gonna say that, "Porque cuesto es corozon," thing.
Me: ... I have NEVER said "Why hill is heart"!

And as we all know, those are more sensitive than Earth kidneys.

Boyfriend: Oh no! He punched him in the space kidneys!

I would have thought it would have the opposite effect...

Me: I'mma glomp you! *glomps boyfriend*
Boyfriend: Oh my god! I was completely surprised, and turned into a flock of tiny ducklings!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: That's a side effect of glomping you know... turning into a flock of tiny ducklings. Also erectile dysfunction.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: But that's a side effect of everything these days.

I really don't think so...

Boyfriend: Sometimes in nature a cat has to shed its head, and it turns into a beautiful... something freaky without a head.

Who are these wise men?

Boyfriend: As a wise man once said, "I am credit to sandvich."

Mangnish Weekends - It's true, he doesn't...

Boyfriend: Yo no tango con guapo.
Me: ... I don't have with handsome?

Mangnish Weekends - I know it's not TECHNICALLY Spanish, but...

Boyfriend: As a wise man once said, "Your mother resembles a stuffed cow." Or as they say in Spanish, "Your mother resembles a stuffed cow, olé."

um... I guess?

Me: You have to get the entirely wrong lyrics right.
Boyfriend: Yes, because if you get the wrong wrong and not right then you turn into a dangling participle.

It's true though...

Me: He doesn't think before he speaks.
Boyfriend: I try not to, because then it takes longer to talk.

Do NOT try this one at home, kids, he's crazy.

Me: My foot's still swollen...
Boyfriend: So you wanna try that bloodletting now?
Me: *stare* NO! Let's not, and never say that we did.
Boyfriend: Oh, we'll do it the sane way...
Me: If you say "with leeches" I'll hit you.
Boyfriend: No, you heat up an exacto knife on the stove, and then let it cool down, and wash the area in alcohol, then just stab it with the knife!
Me: Alright, but let's do it on YOU first.
Boyfriend: Nah, my feet are sensitive.
Me: My foot has been swollen for a WEEK and it all hurts just to TOUCH! What do you think my foot is?
Boyfriend: Big?

It's true, he is...

Boyfriend: I'm significantly less Norwegian than I used to be.

Mangnish Weekends - Apparently he says his penis is made of cheese...

Boyfriend: Well as a wise man once said, "Mi pene es queso."
Me: You know, I wanna MEET these wise men you keep talking about.
Boyfriend: I said they were wise, I never said they were sane.

Mangnish Weekends - I'm pretty sure it isn't...

Boyfriend: Mi pene es hecho de jamon.
Me: So you just said, "My penis is made of ham."

Fun pokemon quotes!

Boyfriend: Goddamnit vultures attack me, not buffalo!

~~~~~

Me: You're supposed to be rare! Fuck you, and give me the flying squirrel!

Mr. Danza could not be reached for comment.

Boyfriend: Tony Danza and honey have a lot in common, they're both vomited up by bees!

The short bus...

Boyfriend: I get most of my ideas while laying under school buses.
Boyfriend's brother: That explains a lot... Laying near the exhaust pipe?
Boyfriend: Of course.

Hummus and banana bread really DON'T have much to do with each other...

Me: *looks up what tahini is upon deciding to make hummus* Oh, it's a sesame seed paste...
Boyfriend: Well we have sesame seeds.
Me: And sesame oil.
Boyfriend: Alright! Let's make banana bread!

Mangnish Weekends - Wargle was the Japanese name for Braviary

Me: Who's my little Wargle?
Boyfriend: Mi pollo es un quincenera.
Me: ... Why do I talk to you?
Boyfriend's brother: *just walking in* I think I missed something.
Boyfriend: I think I just said, "My chicken is a fifteenth birthday."

Mangnish Weekends

Me: I'm not talking to you anymore.
Boyfriend: Aaaw, mi pequito corozon.
Me: Your heart little?

Godspeed little cow...

Boyfriend: Let's see if I can launch this cow on an epic journey.

Well? You heard the man.

Boyfriend: Fuck you sheep, get out of my mine cart!

Truly these are words to live by

Boyfriend: If you ever meet a cat that doesn't give at least one whurr with every purr, then it's not a cat at all, but a badger in disguise.

That's not logic...

Boyfriend: *almost shoves a pretzel up my nose*
Me: *stare at him in horror*
Boyfriend: What? Your mouth was open, I though you wanted a pretzel shoved in it.
Me: You almost put it up my NOSE!
Boyfriend: Well your nose was open too.
Me: My nose is always open!
Boyfriend: Then it always wants pretzels shoved up it.

Mangnish Weekends - Haven't you heard?

Boyfriend: Mi calavera es palabra
Me: ... I don't know what that means!
Boyfriend: Palabra means 'word' if that helps.
Me: *looks it up* "My skull is word."
Boyfriend: My bird is also word.
Me: Mi pájaro es palabra tambien.

Wait... what?

Me: I'm not talking to you anymore
Boyfriend: But if you don't talk to me, I'll turn into a calliope!
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: *nods* Think about it.

I really don't think they are...

Me: *talking about Dragon Quest IX* Alright, I'm going to keep at least one of each alchemy chain root.
Boyfriend: Alright.... *looks around* Oh! Are you still selling stuff off for me?
Me: ... Yes, I've been doing it for a while now.
Boyfriend: Oh... I'd thought you'd moved on by now.
Me: No... because I LOVE YOU!!!
Boyfriend: ... Thank you, crazy lady.
Me: ... *glare*
Boyfriend: What? At least I didn't say 'mean lady'.
Me: *look away, nose in the air*
Boyfriend: You look away... but my feet are made of bacon.

Yes, yes you are

Me: Alright, so, I'm a horrible fat ass...
Boyfriend: Yes.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: .............. I meant that as in 'yes, what else are you going to say'.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: I'm dumb, aren't I?

That's not what they were...

Boyfriend: *holding out a bag of rice cakes* Caramel crab cakes?

I don't want any of that pie...

Boyfriend: I don't think anyone's going to complain if you want to make apples. *thinks about that* I mean pie.
Me: Nah, I'm gonna make APPLES! First we need some glue.
Boyfriend: Hot glue works.
Me: Then we need something red.
Boyfriend: Alright, we'll use blood, and a ferret, because they can get into any shape.
Me: Ok, so we'll glue a ferret into an apple shape and cover it in blood.
Boyfriend: Yes.

I uh... I don't think that's how it works...

Boyfriend's brother: *talking about the game he's playing* Alright, I'm hunting antelope and it's a full moon.
Boyfriend: Because antelope only come out on the full moon, the rest of the time they're elk.... They're like werewolves.

Naw, she's not that useful...

Boyfriend: Tums spelled sideways is 'the larch'.
Me: You're FACE is a larch.
Boyfriend: Your MOM'S a larch.
Boyfriend's brother: I thought her mom was an extra larch.

Mangnish Weekends - It was a hilly weekend, apparently...

Boyfriend: Cuando cuesto mi bano?
Me: "When hill my bathroom," is what you just said.
Boyfriend: Esposa... no wait, esposo... maybe.. I don't know anymore.
Me: EsposA is wife, esposO is husband.
Boyfriend: Ah, that's good to know... I'll forget it again.

Mangnish Weekends

Me: *power leveling in Mother* Pfft, ONE starman...
Boyfriend: And as a wise man once said, "Mi cuesto perro."
Me: ... You said 'cuesto' right?
Boyfriend: Uh huh.
Me: ... So that's... "My dog hill..."

It's good for your colon!

Me: I'm gonna take some of this yogurt and put it on this piece of pie...
Boyfriend: Mmm Poop pie.
Me: ... Why do you have to ruin everything beautiful?
Boyfriend: It's a hobby of mine!

He doesn't sound very convincing...

Boyfriend: *reaches towards my head*
Me: ... *leans away* What are you doing?
Boyfriend: Trying to love you!
Me: ... By snapping my neck?
Boyfriend: No, by grabbing your face!
Me: ... *lean away further*
Boyfriend: Because when you love someone, sometimes you just have to grab their face and shake.
Me: ......
Boyfriend: You know, you grab them good and tight, and then shake them really hard... with, you know... caring...
Me: Go away from me, creepy man.

That would be one HELL of a quincenera...

Boyfriend: Everyone! Break out the Gumbi costumes and the cream cheese, we're having a quincenera!

It makes sense? I guess?

Me: *talking about a video game* I swear to God it sounds like she's saying "mountain ranch"
Boyfriend: That's where they grow mountains. It's a really slow process. Sometimes they get sick though, and become canyons, but you know, they find places for them. Sometimes they never get bigger than speed bumps... those are mountain eggs, you know.

In all fairness... he's probably right.

Boyfriend: As a wise man once said, "He who lives by the puddi, dies by the puddi."
Me: *stares at him*
Boyfriend: I'll probably die by the puddi.

And now that we're back on schedule...

TV: The man suffered from two broken ribs, and a broken hand...
Boyfriend: And four broken feet.
Boyfriend's brother: Well they weren't all his.
Boyfriend: No, they were just what was found around and inside him after the crash.

Mangnish Weekends - The late addition

Sorry guys, I flaked yesterday, so I'll post yesterday's post today... and then today's post as well. My bad.

~~~~~~~~

Me: Well, as a wise man once said, "Mi pene es muy, muy fuerte."
Boyfriend: I thought it was, "Mi pene es muy perro."
Me: ... I'm not sure WHY someone would say their penis is very dog though...

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Son gato es muy Sabado con fuerte!
Me: They are cat is very Saturday with strong.

It's true though...

Boyfriend: *talking about planes* Remember, in the event of a water landing, your ass might become a hat.

I think his facts are flawed...

Me: *referencing something on tv* Ah a burning ring of fire.
Boyfriend's brother: I hate falling into those.
Boyfriend: Well at least isn't not a burning ring of glass shards and cow manure.
Me: ...
Boyfriend: That was the original name of the song, but it wasn't nearly as catchy

Wait, what? Who wears bloomers anymore?

Me: There's something about a purring cat right here *holds hand next to head* that's like vallium.
Boyfriend: Poor kaleidoscope bloomers, you were sleepy!

Oh the puns... the horrible, horrible puns

Me: They were shallots.
Boyfriend: Ah yes, half onion, half spider.
Me: .... *stare*
Boyfriend: You know that book... Shallot's Web.

Neither do we.

Me: *to boyfriend* Whatever you say, crazy lady.
Boyfriend: Oh yeah, so says the craziest of crazy crazy ladies... crazy... with a side of Mufasa.
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: ... I don't know what that means!

Mangnish Weekends - I'm not sure if it really matters

Boyfriend: Es un papi el muerta.
Me: "Is a father the dead"... was that a question?
Boyfriend: Statement.
Me: Ah... kay.

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Por cuando esta mi esposa?
Me: 'For when is my wife'?

Canary and crabs are similar?

Boyfriend: Canary bread, how much crab meet does that call for?

I didn't get any context either.

Boyfriend: Dude, I think our neighbor fucked the Moody Blues.

Truly this person is metal.

Video game: You have a heart of gold...
Boyfriend: And a liver of cadmium.

I uh... I don't think that's how it worked...

Me: Oh GOD that litter box SMELLS!
Boyfriend: Yeah... and that's why we have Easter.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: The rabbits pooped so much Jesus rose from the dead to escape the smell.
Me: ... Stop talking.

Truly wise words for our time

Boyfriend's brother: When a monkey offers you a soda, do not accept, Confucius say.

Truly words of video game wisdom

Boyfriend: Spinning in circles is the answer to most of life's questions.

Mangnish Weekends - At least I'm not the only one he says this shit to

Boyfriend: Queso con manos!
Friend: Cheese with hands?

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Cuando esta mi mustachio, por favor?
Me: *stare* ... When is my mustache, please?

What religion would that even be?

Boyfriend's brother: *talking about Solid Snake in MGS4* He's Captain Beefheart with an eye patch in Romulan long johns.
Boyfriend: The same can be said of all religions.
Boyfriend's brother: I wish.

Sometimes the derp eats you

Me: *looks sadly at my empty cup*
Boyfriend: Cups make you sad.
Me: Empty ones.
Boyfriend: What do you want to drink?
Me: I dunno, surprise me...
Boyfriend: *troll face*
Me: ... No wait, DON'T! I want strawberry peach juice!
Boyfriend: Oh good, because I was going to bring you a big icy cup of bacon.

It's true though...

Guy on The X-files: *after having sex with some chick* But... I don't even know your name!
Boyfriend: It's Slithers McMonsterVagina!
Me: Well no, it seems she poisoned him or something... so it's Slithers McPlagueVagina.
Boyfriend: Like your mom!
Me: Aaaaw.... yeah...

That doesn't help, you know...

Me: *watching Mr. Peanut commercial* Those are creepy.
Boyfriend: What? The peanut people?
Me: Yeah.
Boyfriend: You're eating his unwanted babies!

And he wonders why he sounds insane...

Boyfriend: *looking at this site* Every time I look at this site, I think it makes me look like a lunatic.
Me: Well it's not 'Perfectly Sane and Reasonable Shit My Boyfriend Says'.
Boyfriend: Nor is it 'Pudding That Will Fly in From the South for Winter'.
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: Birds fly south, pudding flies north.

Mangnish Weekends - he makes my head hurt...

Boyfriend: Son gato de la pantelones, de diablo.
Me: Would you like to know exactly what you just said?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Me: What you said was, "They are cat of the (singular) pants of devil."
Boyfriend: So it should have been "Yo soy gato del pantelones CON diablo."
Me: Do you realized that all you did was change "They are" to "I am" and "of" to "with"?
Boyfriend: Oh, well, I should have gone with the first one then... Ah well, es muyo bueno.
Me: No baby, es muy malo.
Boyfriend: It's very blue?
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: Well it was either going to be that or "It's very Wednesday."

Mangnish Weekends - You sure did, Philip

Boyfriend: Mi pene esta mi esposa!
Me: ... Did you just say what I THINK you said?
Boyfriend: Mi Pene esta mi esposa.
Me: .....
Boyfriend: Did I just say my penis is my wife?

They would make your ears fluffy though...

Me: Oops, I forgot Q-tips...
Boyfriend: o.o Did you say you forgot rabbit tips?
Me: *stare* ... No. I said I forgot Q-tips!