Saturday, December 31, 2011

He's stuck on butt holes, because butt holes stuck on him?

Me: I am not using toothpaste on my ear holes.
Boyfriend: At least it's only your ears.
Boyfriend's brother: As opposed to what?
Boyfriend: Using it instead of hemorrhoid cream.
Me: No!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Why is he obsessed with things in people's butts?

Boyfriend: I'm gonna shower.
Me: Mm hm
Boyfriend: In your butt.
Me: No.
Boyfriend: But it's like that old saying! "Butt showers bring what the hell are you doing?"

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Worst. Warhead. EVER!

Me: Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, my warhead punishes all.
Boyfriend: My warhead poops on cows.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dragon Age presets... why?

Boyfriend: I'm going to sit here and stare at you... because MY mustache is MUCH finer than yours... and you KNOW it... deep in your heart.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Sunday, December 25, 2011

I don't know either

Boyfriend: I guess that's for when you wanna call a duck, slather it in mayonnaise, and then shave it.

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Mangninsh Weekends - No... no one says that...

Me: *petting the cat* Cat bothering... or as they say in Spanish, "Molestando la gata."
Boyfriend: Or as they say in Mexican, not Spanish, "El gato con sofa!"

Friday, December 23, 2011

He keeps calling me that, too...

Me: *playing Skyrim* Ham shank? HAM SHANK?! You're lucky you're fucking IMMORTAL right now, or else I'd KILL YOU NOW, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
Boyfriend: Aaw... poor Ham shank.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Lava sharks

TV: I return to a volcano... erupting with sharks!
Me: That does NOT sound like a good place to go!
Boyfriend: Are you picturing a volcano just spewing great whites everywhere?
Me: Yes! With their mouths just gaping open...
Boyfriend: And lava in their mouths.
Me: *contemplates the full horror of that* My mind, baby! It is blown.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Kinda does, actually...

Boyfriend: Pork ball... that sounds like a name your mother would have...

Tuesday, December 20, 2011


Me: *doing a Thieves' Guild quest* Take all the valuable items? WHY AREN'T YOU POINTING AT THE CHEESE?!
Boyfriend: *laughs* It's udderly gold!
Me: ... I hate you...

Monday, December 19, 2011

I wouldn't want to play in that campaign...

Boyfriend: The only thing that came to mind was a campaign of pokeman, and not translating what they said.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: It's just be a whole campaign of 'Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirt!'

Sunday, December 18, 2011

They'd be all squishy!

Me: I'm gonna do something to you.
Boyfriend: As long as it doesn't involve squids... or caltrops... or squidtrops.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Yes, we have no pregnant salsa

Boyfriend: Hey love, would you bring me that leftover jar of salsa... con... embarrassado?

Friday, December 16, 2011

They're not wooden, they're just... reserved...

Boyfriend: I'm... Dutch...
Me: You mean 'Dutch' as in German, or 'Dutch' as in wooden shoes?
Boyfriend: Wooden Germans.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Specificity helps A LOT!

Me: *hugs boyfriend*
Boyfriend: Your breath smells like seed.
Me: *stare* ...
Boyfriend: Fuck, what're they called... sesame seeds!

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

That's the truck NO ONE wants to see...

Boyfriend: You know what bothers me about that commercial? It advertises DISCREET delivery... What? Do other companies pull up outside your house in the giant 'Pee-hole Stick Truck'?!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

What does that even sound like?!

Boyfriend: *hugging me and resting his ear on my head* I can hear you chewing.
Me: *eating a cracker* Mm.
Boyfriend: It sounds like a marble full of pee.
Me: *stops chewing*
Boyfriend: PeaS, dried peas! ... a balloon, not a marble... fuck!

Monday, December 12, 2011

None of that sounds appetizing...

Boyfriend: He sounds like he's trying to talk through a mouthful of oatmeal... and shit... shitmeal... or oatshit, either one.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Ain't that the truth?

Me: Well, have you thought about...
Boyfriend: *interrupts* Not much of anything.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

They're not similar at all!

Boyfriend: Oh yeah, I forgot Uggle-shlub-bluh-blub is at the college.
Me: ... What?!
Boyfriend: You know, Uggle-shlub-bluh-blub, the... transcendental meditationist.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Librarian! They're similar.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Thursday, December 8, 2011

I love Skyrim...

Video game: Huh? Who's there?
Boyfriend: Hi, my name's Dovah... Dovah Kiin. I'm new to the neighborhood. I just thought I'd stop by and SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Um... When is that, exactly?

Boyfriend: Every now and then, you just have to give into temptation, and attempt to ride an elk.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Because she's a cat?

Boyfriend: Mona, how are you so adorable sometimes when you're just a fat sack of pudding-covered fur?

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Friday, December 2, 2011

It's true

Me: Shut up, I'm tired.
Boyfriend: Your mom's a tire.
Me: Heh, yeah.
Boyfriend: She's been around and around and around and around and around.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

It's not just him

Boyfriend's brother: Damn theoretical kids! Get off my imaginary lawn!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Long story short, s'eepy = sleepy.

Boyfriend: You got your s'eepy in my cold!
Me: ... You got your cold in my s'eepy?
Boyfriend: This is the worst candy ever!

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Is... that... what?

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life, you have to... rub donkeys with cream cheese....
Me: ... Any particular reason?
Boyfriend: Your mom.

Monday, November 28, 2011

I don't want to know how one goes into butt withdrawal...

Me: *shaking hips along with a song*
Boyfriend: You has the butt shakes! It's what happens when you go into butt withdrawal!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Apparently when you're tired, your eyes are hedgehogs?

Me: Your eyes are bloodshot as hell.
Boyfriend: I feel.... hedgehog right now.
Me: *stare* ... What does that have to do with me saying your eyes are bloodshot as hell?
Boyfriend: I was describing how I felt... my eyes are hedgehog right now.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

No... no they really don't...

Boyfriend: You know, in poor third world countries, hundreds of kitten miners die every year to bring you that cat hair.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

It's... true...?

Me: Huh?
Boyfriend: *playing Skyrim* I said I'm not about to leave without looting.
Me: Ah! See, I thought you said you're not about to leave without leaving, and that made NO sense.
Boyfriend: It doesn't make any sense... if you're a BUNNY!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What?

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Ah, thank you TV, and your half-heard comments...

Me: *watching tv* That sounds like a TERRIBLE pet name.
Boyfriend: What?
Me: Fruit in the middle.
Boyfriend: ... Gay guy that likes orgies?

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Monday, November 21, 2011

I can't freaking believe he did that!!

Boyfriend: *brings me the debit card*
Me: *sticks hip out since hands are full*
Boyfriend: *slides card down my butt*
Me: *horrified stare*
Boyfriend: Your butt doesn't take credit.
Me: ... I meant for you to put it in my POCKET!
Boyfriend: Oh... that makes more sense.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

He never listens...

Boyfriend: Cottleston pie?
Me: Your FACE is Cottleston pie!
Boyfriend: Your MOM is cottage cheese pie!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: That's where you take cottage cheese and lard...
Me: Stop talking.
Boyfriend: Mix it together, and then bake it between two tires with no tread left on them.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Friday, November 18, 2011

I don't think that's how it goes...

Boyfriend: Cottleston Cottleston pie, a fly can't bird, but your mother's a whore.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

I'm pretty sure she doesn't...

Boyfriend: The fish crawl into my brainwaves.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: It's true... They get in through my butt... Kohime-chan puts them there.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Sometimes I miss the puns... and it makes me even madder when I get them...

Me: *typoing* Ha. Dance of the 'seve' hams.
Boyfriend: Those would be the wholiest of hams.
Me: .... How are they holy?
Boyfriend: They're seives.
Me: >.<

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Dwarves could do the dance of the seven hams...

Me: *making grocery list* I don't think anyone would hold buying that against me.
Boyfriend: We would never hold lunch meat against people... in a negative way.
Me: ... How would you hold it against someone positively?
Boyfriend: Sensually.
Me: ... That's horrifying.
Boyfriend: What? You've never seen the dance of the seven hams?

Monday, November 14, 2011

Truth of face or smile? (All my internets if you get the reference)

Boyfriend's brother: No, I do not want to fall over.
Me: No one does... except weebles... and they can't.
Boyfriend: Their dreams will never come to fruition.
Me: Yeah, they're the saddest creatures in the world.
Boyfriend: They smile to hide their crushing pain.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Ooooh, the puns...

Boyfriend: *watching TV* You can use the rule of thumb to determine how thick the wall is? What, if your thumb fits in the hole, you can shove in the TNT? And beat your wife with it? So, you guys want to beat your wives with TNT. Well you can bet it's be an explosive breakup. I mean, if that happened, they'd NEVER get back together again... but hey, at least it'd end with a bang!

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The carrion birds and maggots...

Me: *playing Minecraft* Woah! Where did that zombie come from?!
Boyfriend: Well when a mommy and a daddy zombie love each other very much, they kill a child. And that doesn't grow up...

Friday, November 11, 2011

Sometimes he grosses us BOTH out.

Me: My hands smell like lunch meat.
Boyfriend: Your MOM smells like lunch meat!
Both of us: *stare at each other, noses wrinkling at the thought*
Boyfriend: Never mind.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I HAVE to lay traps for him... it's in the contract.

Me: *cutesy voice* Do you think I'm absolutely flawless~?
Boyfriend: ... I love you.
Me: *raises a brow*
Boyfriend: I think you're cute~!
Me: Nice deflection, sir.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

He's trying to kill me...

Boyfriend: There's a place you should apply.
Me: Hmm?
Boyfriend: Joe's Crab Shack, apparently they're really looking to hire a lot of people.
Me: *allergic to shellfish, stare*
Boyfriend: What? It's not like you'd be eating everything there.
Me: I'd be TOUCHING it, and even just SMELLING some of it cooking makes me ill!
Boyfriend: That's true... But, you know, if you could hold your breath your entire shift, and make plates levitate with the power of your mind, it'd be perfect for you!

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The sun and bile have a lot in commin

Boyfriend: I think they tried to make it look like the sun, but instead it just looked like pressed bile.

Monday, November 7, 2011

I actually meant that his mom was a creeper...

Me: *looking at Soul Sand* Yeah you're right, it has little creeper faces in it... like your mom.
Boyfriend: More like YOUR mom's vagina! They're wandering around in there going 'We can't do any more damage than has already been done! It's ALL bedrock in here.'

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Ooooh, the puns...

Me: *playing Minecraft* I hear sheep... What the hell are sheep doing underground?
Boyfriend: I dunno, maybe they're deep sheep.
Boyfriend's brother: Related to Deep Crows, but more sheepy... sheepish...

Saturday, November 5, 2011

He's not even trying anymore...

Boyfriend: *gives me a cookie*
Me: *teasing* You're trying to make me fat so no one will want me.
Boyfriend: Don't be silly, love, you're already fat.

Friday, November 4, 2011

I didn't want to know that...

Boyfriend: I shat so fast, it shattered the space-time continuum... in my pants.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I think chlamydia would work for that too...

Boyfriend: I dunno, I kinda like the idea of bursting in somewhere, penises blazing... you'd have to have gonorrhea though...

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

It's true

Boyfriend: Your mom is made entirely out of cellulite and syphilis.
Me: Syphullite!
Boyfriend: I was about to say the same thing.

Monday, October 31, 2011

I doubt you can MISS them coming...

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life... swarms of giant penis gophers.
Me: *pulls up the wordpad document*
Boyfriend: I should have seen that coming... like the penis gophers.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

No, no, that's pretty flawed...

Boyfriend: Yeah, but we'd just drank a pot of coffee.
Me: Whose fault was that?
Boyfriend: Yours.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Well I made the coffee, and I drank it of my own free will, but... you're a witch.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: My logic is flawless!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

How would that even...

TV: Why would you let erectile dysfunction get in the way...
Boyfriend: Well there are A LOT of things erectile dysfunction can get in the way of... painting, for example.

Friday, October 28, 2011

I have never wondered that...

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life, you just have to sit back, consider all your options, and wonder... 'Will my penis fit in there?' and 'Will I get it back?'

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I don't think it was doing that in my toe...

Me: *removes a splinter from my toe* Ha! Fuck you splinter!
Boyfriend: Hey now, it's just doing its best... tryin' to raise some ninja turtles...

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

It's true

Me: We used to scare the shit out of Mom by making frog noises.
Boyfriend: Why?
Me: Because she's scared of reptiles and amphibians... or are you asking why we did it?
Boyfriend: No, I know why you did... but she's fucking bigoted against her own people. Self hate is the worst kind of hate.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

No... no I don't think it could be...

Me: *poking boyfriend's groin*
Boyfriend: Why are you poking it?
Me: I just want to make sure it's a penis.
Boyfriend: Good point, it COULD be a fiddler crab. *humps* PINCH!

Monday, October 24, 2011

I love these conversations...

Boyfriend: *makes a horrifying shrieking noise* That's my impression of your mom as she swoops down on sheep... and not just normal sheep, PREHISTORIC SHEEP, so they're just all horns and no wool. She disembowels them with her MIGHTY TALONS, before stretching out her labia and flapping away... She's a whore-adactyl!
Friend: She rolls out her labia like a butterfly and flies away. She is the Quetzalcoatl the Aztecs worshiped... except they called her Quetzalcuntl.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Deeply, deeply disturbing

Me: Lemme finish watching this video, then we'll go to bed.
Boyfriend: Then I'll remove your sphincter.
Me: Which one?
Boyfriend: Yes.
Me: That's disturbing.
Boyfriend: What's even more disturbing is I'm planning to use a lobster to do it.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Friday, October 21, 2011

But... why?

Me: What if I pinch you?
Boyfriend: Nooooo! Then I'll have to rub broccoli all over my groin.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

What is it with him and goblins?

Boyfriend: I'd protest more, but I think the goblin currently living in my sinuses would stick its head out and start swearing.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

That's what HE says

Boyfriend: I will end the oppression of the squid-people! And all of their dealings with King George!

Monday, October 17, 2011

I really don't think they are...

Boyfriend: I was just telling Mona about how most cats are secretly Asian people.

Friday, October 14, 2011

There ARE better ways to take care of that, you know...

Boyfriend: If it was just a matter of sterility and not cancer, I'd sleep with a radioactive video game nestled between my legs.
Friend: 'Hey, why ya walking funny?' 'Oh, I'm using a super famicom cartridge as a manpon.'

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I really don't think that it is...

Me: Step one, don't trust anyone on the internet. Step two, live in a cave. Step three, own a double barrel shot gun. Step four... Profit?
Boyfriend: Explode in a shower of Guatemalans.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Well that's the best way to do it.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Monday, October 10, 2011

... I don't think it works like that...

Boyfriend: And then I overthrew the Duchess of Lima Beans, and was crowned the pope of Sweden.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Friday, October 7, 2011

Bad day, bro.

Boyfriend: I was laying outside, and I felt my foot move. I looked up and there was a squirrel sitting on my shoe. I blinked and said, "Squirrel!" and it looked at me, and then peed on my shoe, and ran away... that has been my day.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

That is the OPPOSITE of helpful...

Me: Ooooooooooooooow!
Boyfriend: What's wrong?
Me: I slammed my knuckle into the edge of the table.
Boyfriend: Aww... want me to slam it in a desk drawer to make it feel better?
Me ... NO!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I had an inkling...

Boyfriend: Did you know that brake pads taste exactly like potatoes don't?

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

That explains a lot?

Boyfriend: I am made entirely of sparkly light and marshmallows in my head.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

I'm not even sure what that means....

Boyfriend: I hate hate hate hate HATE that game!
Me: Tell us how you really feel, Kefka.
Boyfriend: SCWOON!

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Um... I don't think those are the ONLY options...

Boyfriend: Did you just flip me off?
Me: <.< No? Why would you think that?
Boyfriend: Well it was either that, or you were throwing shark ovaries at me.

Friday, September 30, 2011

God I hope not!

Boyfriend: Sometimes I'm worried that my butt is developing a mind of its own, and it's going to outsmart me...

Thursday, September 29, 2011

It's true...

Boyfriend: Eye squids.
Me: No squids in my eyes.
Boyfriend: No, no, they wouldn't live in your eyes, they just have eyes on their tentacles instead of suction cups.
Me: ... So they'd be voyeur squids?
Boyfriend: They'd be the natural symbiote of the exhibitionist panda.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Nah, because then she'd give Pharaohs their powers...

Boyfriend: See, when they're talking about the Egyptian God Horus, that's really a mistranslation, what they mean is... your mom.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Uterus hat?

Me: I can't tell if it's localized cramps, or just general lower abdomen cramps.
Boyfriend: Aaw, I'm sorry.
Me: It's not your fault.
Boyfriend: It COULD be.
Me: ... Are YOU restricting blood flow to my lower intestines?
Boyfriend: I COULD be.
Me: .... So... you're... my uterus?
Boyfriend: Maybe... I wear a lot of hats.

Monday, September 26, 2011

I hate him sometimes...

Me: I like a good rye bread sammich sometimes, but I don't like for like, peanut butter, you know?
Boyfriend: I like a good rye sense of humor.
Me: *hate glare*
Boyfriend: This bread is HILARIOUS.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Mangnish Weekend - That doesn't really help...

Boyfriend: Muy gusta. *sees my pained look* What?
Me: I'm trying to think of how to explain to you how that's wrong.
Boyfriend: Oh... So should I have said, "Muy gusta con carne"?

Friday, September 23, 2011

Sometimes I'm crazy too...

Me: Oh no, puddi bandits!
Boyfriend: Of the Serengeti?
Me: Yeah... they lay in wait for passing caravans, and then when they see a ripe target, full of puddi, they strike. With a blood-curdling cry, they charge on their heavily armored war-camels, and strike like lightening, robbing everyone of their puddi, before escaping in the blink of an eye, leaving only a dust trail in their wake.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

I wasn't aware that was a length of time...

Me: Well if he isn't coming over for a bit, then I might Gundam.
Boyfriend: I don't know when he'll be over, but I'm gonna say... a dildo.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: And that's a metric dildo, not a standard dildo.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

The lotion Iuse smells vaguely of hamster bedding

Boyfriend: I'm gonna turn the AC back on, because I don't know about you, but I'm an arm pit.
Me: I just got out of the shower, so I'm smelling good... and vaguely of hamsters.
Boyfriend: You don't just smell good, you smell HAMSTER good.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Thank you Captain Obvious...

Boyfriend: If you have days where you urinate full grown goblin sharks, it's bad for you.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Squids are not reliable messengers

Me: *throws a washer like a Frisbee, which lands on the server perfectly* Awesome.
Boyfriend: Alright, two squids.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: We're measuring points in squids now.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: Didn't you get the memo?
Me: *shakes head*
Boyfriend: Well, it was attached to a squid so...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I have no idea what he's talking about...

Me: You know what I miss? Smoked cheese.
Boyfriend: And webbed feet.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: It's the south, everyone had webbed feet.
Boyfriend's brother: Except the frogs.
Boyfriend: Yeah, they just have feet covered in thumbs... and eyeballs.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Holy D&D reference Batman!

Me: Your FACE is the wrong shape.
Boyfriend: Your MOM is the wrong shape... she's whore-shape.
Me: Wouldn't that be the RIGHT shape, you know, for whores.
Boyfriend: Nah, she's the wrong shape even for whores, they all run in fear from her... though they worship her as a god from a distance.
Me: So she's like... the whore's Lolth?
Boyfriend: Yes... would that be Whoreth?

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Wait... what?

Me: I dunno why I let my hair down, I have WAY too much stuff to do to take the time to brush and braid it.
Boyfriend: Maybe you're trying to attract the attention of a ghost.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: I dunno... Maybe there's a killer after you.

Monday, September 12, 2011

It's not just him...

Me: *failing an escort mission in DW: Gundam 3* GodDAMN it Uso! You spent your WHOLE life being told, "Don't jump in a field full of LASERS, lasers are BAD!" And what do you do? The second, the VERY SECOND you get the chance, you run STRAIGHT for the fucking lasers, to discover their delicious secrets!

Sunday, September 11, 2011

The State reference ftw! I still didn't name the cat...

Me: No, I know what we need to do to get Shitbox to groom himself... but we'll need two hundred and fiddy dollahs worth of puddin'.
Boyfriend: ... And we'll throw it at a pet groomer until he grooms the cat for us?
Me: Yes.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I never think that, actually...

Me: So here's what I'm thinking...
Boyfriend: The destruction of eastern civilization includes a cunning plan of tying cucumbers to pigeons?

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Even Disgaea has NO idea what you're talking about...

Boyfriend: You know what my favorite thing is? When the prinnies are covered in a thick coating of vanilla icing and you throw them at a German.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Just because.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Bacon DOES make everything better...

Boyfriend: What about UFO's covered in bacon? That way people would finally notice them.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: They'd just be UFO's, completely coated in bacon... UBO's... They'd be the most delicious objects from another world... Well, that and Arby's.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Shitbox is one of my cats... We didn't name him...

Boyfriend: *reading a website* Kitten in gravy.
Me: I don't think you should serve a kitten in gravy.... *thinks* WE COULD COAT SHITBOX IN GRAVY! THEN HE'LL ACTUALLY GROOM HIMSELF!!!
Boyfriend: I dunno...
Me: Or at least the OTHER cats would groom him, and that works too.
Boyfriend's brother: *dies*

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Oh the puns...

Boyfriend: *talking about Disgaea 3* Apparently the plants don't want more expensive stuff.
Me: Yeah well, they're broke, I mean, money doesn't grow on trees,you know?
Boyfriend: That IS the root of the problem.
Me: This conversation hurts me!

Saturday, September 3, 2011

It's a real word, look it up.

Me: *looking up words that will be removed from a dictionary* Flibbertigibbet!
Boyfriend: They're taking flibbertigibbet out of the dictionary?!
Me: No, no, it's just a random link on the page.
Boyfriend: Oh good, because if they were, we'd have words... and one of them would've been flibbertigibbet.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Relationship mittens are the warmest.

Me: We have a special relationship!
Boyfriend: Yep, helmet and all.
Me: Oh! And mittens! Little relationship mittens!
Boyfriend: Yes, our relationship mittens are pinned FIRMLY to our sleeves.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

It's true

Me: Well you're still gay.
Boyfriend: Your mom.
Me: That's it?
Boyfriend: I think your mom says enough stuff about her herself.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Well I'm sure there are a FEW others...

Boyfriend: Your mom.
Me: Not even gonna put anything else into that?
Boyfriend: Nah, I don't see a reason to put any effort into your mom... unlike every other male on the eastern seaboard.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

How indeed...

Boyfriend: How do you record with this?
Me: Your butt.
Boyfriend: Your mom.
Me: I wasn't aware that my mom was a viable recording format.
Boyfriend: Of course she is, how else would you record mpwhore files?

Monday, August 29, 2011

I hate his puns...

Me: *playing with a paper fan* ... I don't do coy very well...
Boyfriend: Of course not, you're not a fish.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Mangnish Weekends - Late update due to power outage and derp

Boyfriend: Mi pene es en el bano.
Me: Your penis is in the bathroom?
Boyfriend: Mi peine es en el gato.
Me: ... I don't think the cat likes having your comb in it.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

When Minecraft meets my mom...

Me: You can build a portal to hell... you know, in case you want to visit my mother.
Boyfriend: Nah, your mother lives in Florida, which is SIMILAR, but not QUITE it.

Friday, August 26, 2011

My life is full of bad puns

Me: Mynah birds would be more distracting.
Boyfriend's brother: With little helmets and pick axes?
Me: ... Yes, absolutely.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

I don't even know...

Boyfriend: I should be able to do this very simply... with a duck... in the butt... butt ducks... awoo ooo ooo dee dee.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Warning labels are important

Boyfriend: You're nuts.
Me: I might CONTAIN nuts.
Boyfriend: ... Apparently?
Me: I HAVE been known to eat nuts.
Boyfriend: ... I was about to say "You can't eat nuts, you're allergic to shrimp."
Me: ...
Boyfriend: Everyone knows crustaceans are a form of nut.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Love hurts... apparently

Me: *being hugged* My glasses! They've become one with the bridge of my nose!
Boyfriend: *lets go* Aw, I was only trying to suffocate you, not hurt you.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Because I love you.

Monday, August 22, 2011

It WOULD be horrible

Me: *hugs boyfriend* I'm gonna do horrible things to you!
Boyfriend: You're gonna invite your mother over?
Me: No, that'd be doing horrible things to the whole family.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


Boyfriend: The lack of nicotine is making me want to eat everything everywhere forever.
Me: *leer* *I* got something you can eat.
Boyfriend: No you don't actually.
Me: .... *look down, look at him, look down, look at him* I did the last time I checked.
Boyfriend: Oh! I thought you meant wang.
Me: No, that'd be 'I got something you can suck on'.
Boyfriend: Ah, my mistake.

Friday, August 19, 2011

I'm not gonna try that hot sauce...

Boyfriend: My hot sauce looks like Ratatouille... and by that I mean it looks like I'm cooking a rat in a chef's hat.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Bass = musical instrument AND a fish

Boyfriend: Ah, the Ace of Bass... it's alright, but I prefer the Ace of Haddock... the Four of Smelt...
Me: Shut up.
Boyfriend: The Queen of Cod!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It's not just him...

Me: It was like the embodiment of hate just appeared before me and jizzed in my mouth!

Monday, August 15, 2011


Boyfriend: How about Soya Saga? It's the story of the battle for the search of the best soy sauce.
Me: ... It's... the battle for the SEARCH for the best soy sauce, not the soy sauce itself?
Boyfriend: Yeah.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

How exactly DOES Alaska taste?

Boyfriend: My pants taste like Alaska.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: By that I mean I'm sleepy.

Friday, August 12, 2011

But they actually get PAID...

Boyfriend: Well as a wise man once said, "Something something something..." I forget the rest, but your mom's a whore.

Thursday, August 11, 2011


Me: Haha, now I've got you singing it.
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Me: It's catchy!
Boyfriend: Like your mom! She's catchy disease-y!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

It doesn't really...

Boyfriend: I am made out of bat zygotes.
Me: Bat zygotes?
Boyfriend: Bat zygotes.
Me: Ah... well that explains a lot.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

It's like I WANT to see that porno, but at the same time...

Me: I don't know where I was going with that sentence... "I don't you"
Boyfriend: You don't love me?!
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: "I don't you," you don't love me!
Me: ... Sure.
Boyfriend: Aaaaaaw... now I'm gonna have to shove tiny cucumbers up your nose... and then every time you sneeze you can yell 'Pickle Tornado!'
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: I heard someone yell that in a porno once.

Monday, August 8, 2011

I wouldn't watch that...

Me: Your FACE is a tv series.
Boyfriend: Your MOM is a tv series... Lifestyles of the Poor and Skanky.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Adorable or awful? You decide!

Boyfriend: Tiny turtle buttons.
Me: What?
Boyfriend: Tiny turtle buttons! Instead of buttons they're tiny turtles, and they just sit there and walk... and when you want to unbutton, they draw in their heads and legs.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

He doesn't listen so well...

Me: Am I hungry because I'm ACTUALLY hungry, or am I hungry because I just THINK I'm hungry?
Boyfriend: *from the other room* Are you hungry because the pelicans are voting Republican, or are you hungry because you think you're sad?

Friday, August 5, 2011

I am not a canine octopus

Boyfriend: *mumble mumble* walrus... No! Poodle!
Me: I didn't hear a fucking word you just said.
Boyfriend: I said you're a vicious eight-legged attack poodle.
Me: ... *Stare*
Boyfriend: But you're MY vicious eight-legged attack poodle.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

I am, in fact,none of these.

Me: I love you baby.
Boyfriend: I love you too gastropod.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Cephalopod?
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: No wait! Pseudopod!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Because you have false feet.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The 'Your mom' jokes never end around here.

Boyfriend: Clearly I need to start over... at life. Quick, somebody find me a reincarnation specialist!
Me: Yeah, I was about to say we needed to find a druid... But what if you come back as a kobold?
Boyfriend: Well, then I'd be interested in your mother.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I don't think it's the same...

Boyfriend: I wonder if the Japanese like Rice Crispies...
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: It's rice.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

The difference is I actually LIKE dragons

Boyfriend: I'd say your mom, but you already said dragon.
Me: Don't insult dragons!!
Boyfriend: You're right... bog troll!

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Mangnish Weekends - 'Quick, say something in Spanish!'

Me: Rapido, dices algo en espanol!
Boyfriend: Mi no es habla el parable en espanol por... *twiddles fingers* Rapido... Decir.
Me: "My isn't speaks the word in Spanish for quick to talk". I think that's what you said anyway.

Friday, July 29, 2011

It's a good question...

Boyfriend: So I saw the commercial for Kidz Bop, and they got to a little kid singing 'The Lazy Song," and I thought, "Gee what are they gonna change the line 'I'm gonna meet a really nice girl, have some really nice sex'? 'I'm gonna meet a really nice priest'?"

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Apparently in Texas they eat fingers...

Me: Woah! We're not trying to put FINGERS in this tomato sauce.
Boyfriend: Yeah, we're not in Texas.
Me: ... Do they... put fingers in their tomato sauce in Texas?
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Me: ... Why?
Boyfriend: Fingers.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

It hurts where the TMNT reference is...

Me: The funny part is, it doesn't even hurt where the splinter is.
Boyfriend: Yeah, it hurts where the Raphael is... and the Michelangelo.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

He's not very good with colors...

Boyfriend: the way I look at it, everything up to and including Tweety Bird is yellow. Everything else is orange.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Everything up to and including 'not orange'.

Monday, July 25, 2011

This will now be someone's thesis

Boyfriend: I'm pretty Dune was just a really poorly novelized rip off of the Wizard of Oz. They keep mentioning the Golden path, which is the Yellow Brick Road. The Fremen are the munchkins, Baron Harkonnen is the flying monkey, the leader of the Fremen is the wizard, and the Emperor is the wicked witch, because after Paul threatens to add Water of Life to a pre-Spice mound, his empire melted around him. Spice is the ruby slippers because everyone wants to control it.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Mangnish Weekends - His name ISN'T 'rapid'

Boyfriend: Que ahora es? Son las me llamo.
Me: ... What time is it? They are my name?
Boyfriend: Me llamo rapido.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Crazy juice isn't a very popular marinade.

Me: Wait, I'm trying to open the document, but my computer's being slow. So you just sit over there and be quiet and marinate in the crazy juice.
Boyfriend: But it's the season, turn turn turn, for marmalade in your eyeballs, turn turn turn.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

I don't think that's what he's supposed to do...

Me: I dunno, maybe, but I might just end up doing what I did last night, and doze off for an hour before waking up and being unable to sleep.
Boyfriend: See the thing is, I'm the Kwisatz haderach, and I'm here to steal all your light bulbs.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Would that be a Japanese store?

Me: I'm ugly.
Boyfriend: If you keep saying that, I'm going to throw squids at you.
Me: You don't have any squids.
Boyfriend: I'll go get some.
Me: ... From... the squid store?
Boyfriend: Yes, Squids R' Us.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Mangnish Weekends - Surprisingly, he's right on both counts

Boyfriend: As a wise man once said, "Yo no quiero queso con pene."
Me: So he didn't want cheese with penis?
Boyfriend: No one does... but still that's better than 'queso del pene'.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Mangnish Weekends - Hopefully never...

Boyfriend: And remember the most important question: Que es el ahora de embarasado?
Me: "What is the now of pregnant?"
Boyfriend: Mm hm.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Ah Minecraft... what?

Boyfriend: You never know! He could run off and tell the other sheep something, and then BAM! Creepers in my ceiling!
Me: So... you're saying Creepers and sheep are working together?
Boyfriend: Hey, both Creepers AND sheep are tricky!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

It's true though...

Boyfriend: Old people worry me more, because they've had time to sit around and get tricky.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

It's really not... if it was, things would be a lot stickier and smellier.

Me: You know, I didn't get stuffy noses like this before I moved up here.
Boyfriend: That's because of the three hundred percent humidity. You see, the air in Florida is actually jello pudding.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

That is NOT what I said!

Me: Alright, let's go to bed.
Boyfriend: Yeah, let's go rub fish gonads in our hair.

Monday, July 11, 2011

I don't think it works that way

Boyfriend: I want to find a way to genetically combine an alligator and a hamster.
Me: Any particular reason?
Boyfriend: Think about it, people are always making alligator skin handbags and purses, then if it had like, those cheek pouches like a hamsters it'd be like... I dunno, some kinda goddamn subspace right there.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Mangnish Weekends - Sometimes he actuallt makes sense

Boyfriend:B Well as a wise man once said, "Su pantelones esta aqui.'
Me: *stare in shock*
Boyfriend: What?
Me: You realized what you just said was actually perfectly grammatically correct, and made sense, right?
Boyfriend: ... Well shit... What did I say?
Me: His, or her, pants are here.
Boyfriend: Ah... so THAT'S why you were staring.
Me: Yes.

Friday, July 8, 2011

He needs to get those two straight.

Boyfriend: He's not covered in nearly enough scales to be a crocodile... unlike your MOM.
Me: Don't be silly, she's in Florida, that would make her an alligator.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Wait... what?

Boyfriend: Well if it's that he's overslept, then I'm gonna need a duck, and two cubic feet of twine. That way I can reverse time.
Me: ........... How?
Boyfriend: I'm not entirely sure yet, but I'm pretty sure centrifugal force will come into play, and possible the Bernulli principle... or whatever it's called. Maybe it's the Cockern principle, in which case I'll accidentally invent the warp drive...I'm pretty sure that's the secret to faster than light travel, spinning ducks. They did try the same theory atone point with a couple swans and scotch tape, but that just created a black hole... a small one. That's how, you know, Santa Clause got his beard.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Sometimes in life, crustaceans?

Boyfriend: He was up kinda... *flailing incoherent gesture*
Me: ... Use your words, dear.
Boyfriend: Lobsters.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Are those the same tubes the interwebs use?

Me: Why don't you just go to sleep?
Boyfriend: The tubes... in the air... full of ice cream... and wizards.
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: See, if I go to bed, the tubes full of ice cream and wizards will clog.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Mangnish Weekends - It's all about the cheese...

Boyfriend: Queso de la Fernando.
Me: Cheese of the (feminine) Fernando?
Boyfriend: Yes... It should've been "Queso del Fernando," huh?
Me: Yeah.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Mangnish Weekends

Me: *mimicking a commercial* Porque no los dos?
Boyfriend: Porque el fumar es un arroz!
Me: ... Because the to smoke is a rice?
Boyfriend: *shrugs* Es en fuego.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Doctor Who reference alert.

Me: Your FACE is weird!
Boyfriend: Your MOM'S a... face...
Me: <.< My mom's the Face of Bo
Boyfriend: She's just a huge, shriveled old face in a jar... with pinwheels sticking out of it from all angles... and a TV antennae for no reason.... three eyes, one socket... and a nose in the other socket... midgets on tricycles orbiting around her...

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Seriously, he avoids washing silverware like the PLAGUE!

Me: *teasing* Maybe you could hire someone that could wash the silverware for you. That way you don't have to worry about it sneaking through the house, slipping past your mom and brother, sneaking upstairs... grooming the cats a bit as it goes by... then stacking up so it can open the door, and slipping inside the room... fucking with Kohime-chan a bit because she's there and she'll be rolling around it... and then stacking up, borrowing into your bed... and then GOUGING out your eyes!
Boyfriend: You shouldn't joke about that... my friend was raped by a salad fork.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Pickle farm sounds like a euphamism...

Boyfriend: Ah the pickle farm, where pickles can roam freely... bounding rom glen to glen. Their wild horns growing unchecked, their fluffy coats...
Friend: *holding a pencil* I'm going to put this through your eye.
Boyfriend: And then there's the annual pickle shearing festival.

Monday, June 27, 2011

He doesn't tell time so well...

Boyfriend: I got up at almost six.
Me: NEAT trick, considering I got up at ten after five, and you were GONE.
Friend: Where did YOU go?
Boyfriend: Time.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Saturday, June 25, 2011

But what color IS that?

Me: *looking under the computer table* Which of these is the internet cable?
Boyfriend: It's the internet-colored one.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Crazy, fat and retarded... he's so loving...

Me: *flails hands about* Agablugablugablug!
Boyfriend: o.o
Me: I'm bored.
Boyfriend: Yeah, you ARE a little crazy.
Me: ... I said I was BORED!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I don't like that kind of love...

Boyfriend: I don't ever want you to go anywhere, *clearly joking* even if I have to gnaw your foot off at the ankle...
Me: O.o
Boyfriend: ^^ With love~
Me: O_O
Boyfriend: I love you so much, I'll hobble you~

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Sometimes he doesn't even try

Boyfriend: It dries out the eyeballs... like a cat... in a fish... in... crazy words.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

He's been magic grinding for me in FFVI

Me: You know, you can switch between characters with the bumpers.
Boyfriend: Yeah, but it's been AGES since I last last piloted a canary into the Falkland Islands.

Monday, June 20, 2011

If you hadn't noticed, we're not Twilight fans...

Boyfriend: *looking at computer parts* Ooooooooooh, is it bad that I want this power supply because it's named 'sparkle'?
Me: Yes, yes it does.
Boyfriend: But then my power supply would be a vampire!!!!!
Me: No!
Boyfriend: A gay, gay vampire gay.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Mangnish Weekends

Me: You've been slacking on your Spanish.
Boyfriend: Mi cuando es el manos.
Me: ...
Boyfriend: El gato es un huevo!
Me: So, "My when is the (singular) hands," and also, "The cat is an egg."

Friday, June 17, 2011

"Things" is a big damn umbrella...

Boyfriend's Brother: I just loved this line from the Rodan movie, "Send us machine guns and other things!"
Boyfriend: Yeah... we sent them machine guns, a waffle iron, three tablespoons, but they're decorative tablespoon, so they're actually less than a teaspoon, a box of jello pudding cups shaped like the empire state building, twenty-seven packs of cigarettes, and Rush Limbaugh's autobiography.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Ha ha, Gundam humor

TV: It's like having a gym for your hands!
Boyfriend's brother: If I get a GM for my hand, I want a Zaku for my feet.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

More like hobgoblin

Me: My dad used to come up behind me, put his arms around my shoulders and then force me to support his weight, all the time.
Boyfriend: Because he wanted you to have back problems?
Me: Nah, because my family is made entirely out of trolls.
Boyfriend: Yeah, except your mom... who's just a goblin.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Yes, and that makes me SO weird...

Boyfriend: *pours the last of the juice in my cup, and then finishes filling it from his cup*
Me: o.o You didn't have to do that.
Boyfriend: I know, but I'll just mix and match, and I figured you might like this better since you actually have a pallet... and since you enjoy FLAVORS.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Wiser words were never spoken?

Boyfriend: Well let me go poop, and then I'll go do that.
Me: NO! No poop for you! Ever!
Boyfriend: Alright then, I'll just go gut an ostrich.
Me: o.o ...
Boyfriend: And that's why you should know all the qualifiers before you set a limitation.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Ha ha, D&D references

Boyfriend: Oh they have just roving mischeifs of mice in Australia that eat everything in a straight line... it's like being assaulted by billions of tiny tarasques.

Friday, June 10, 2011

The need to think about their products a bit more...

Boyfriend's brother: Did you see the cute thing I showed Angelique? *offers Nintendo Power* It's an Okamiden plush!
Boyfriend: That IS really cute...
Boyfriend's brother: Though as she said, the pillow is a bit disturbing.
Boyfriend: Amate-roadkill!

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Words are fun

Me: What are you doing, baby?
Boyfriend: Sublimating some water off this hot sauce.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: Evaporating!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Seriously though, I've never even SEEN West Side Story

Me: I want a jet shark. I'd launch it at my mother.
Boyfriend: Then you could have West Side Story with just one group.
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend: What?
Me: ... You're gay.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

In crazy land, maybe...

Boyfriend's brother: *talking about a commercial* I thought that dog was a sheep...
Boyfriend: It could've been... sometimes dogs are sheep.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Somtimes we argue during D&D

Me: Your FACE is a cleric spell!
Boyfriend: Your MOM is a cleric spell!
Me: *snort* An inflict spell... Is there a spell that inflicts disease?
Boyfriend: Nah, it'd be 'Inflict aged whore'.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Donde esta mi pene del gato?
Me: ... It's ON the CAT, love.

Friday, June 3, 2011

I suppose anywhere on land would be...

TV: It's not an easy place to be a woman.
Boyfriend: Well it's an even HARDER place to be a mackerel.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

That wasn't it at ALL

Boyfriend's brother: Anything you want us to look for while we're out?
Me: I can't remember the name of that book...
Boyfriend: Sheep shearers of the Serengeti?

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Yet another reason why he doesn't cook...

Me: I think I'll start the chicken around noon or one, since I have to boil it off the bone, and then pick it, and everything...
Boyfriend: And gut the sheep.
Me: ... Why would I need to gut sheep for chicken and dumplings?
Boyfriend: Dumpling sheep.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

That's certainly one interpretation of it, yes...

Me: *got a new title in Dragon Quest 9* Hooray, I'm a Supreme Spelunker!
Boyfriend: Is that your thief's achievement for getting all the poo?

Monday, May 30, 2011

Well I guess they have to check for loot EVERYWHERE...

Me: *talking about Dragon Quest 9* My thief keeps sticking her hands in the enemies' butts!
Boyfriend: They do that.
Me: Well she steals horse manure off the horses, and webbing off the spiders.
Boyfriend: Clearly your thief is into anal fisting.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: El amor de mi gato.
Me: ... The love of your cat?
Boyfriend: That or el amor de mi guapo.
Me: So... the love of your handsome, then?

Friday, May 27, 2011

Surprise duck sauce is surprising

Boyfriend: Oh!
Me: Hmm?
Boyfriend: Oh, never mind... I thought the Playstation Store might be up, since it was giving me some kind of... duck sauce.
Me: Giving you what?
Boyfriend: Duck sauce.
Me: That's what I thought you said...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

"Hi Kettle, this is Pot... you're black."

Me: *talking about a typo* God poop... that's what hail is. See, it freezes when it passes through space, and then breaks up once it hits the atmosphere, and then freezes again in the cold air.
Boyfriend: *stares*
Me: Meteorites are kidney stones ^^
Boyfriend: You're a little odd, love.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

He was rather adamant about it

Boyfriend: *stirring his yogurt with his finger*
Me: Stop fingering your yogurt.
Boyfriend: No.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

It's the beer NO ONE wants...

Me: Except the Blackjack was destroyed, so there'll just be hookers.
Boyfriend: Or hookerjack... It's liquor distilled from hookers!
Me: ... Ew...
Boyfriend: Yeah... also known as Syphilale.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Well every culture DOES have their weird vampire myth...

Me: *talking about a commercial* I don't think vampires eat pistachios.
Boyfriend: I don't think vampires have absolutely anything to do with pistachios... unless they're some kind of weird fucking Peruvian vampire.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Por una palabre con carne del gato.
Me: So... 'For a word with meat of the cat''
Boyfriend: Yes.