I doubt you can MISS them coming...

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life... swarms of giant penis gophers.
Me: *pulls up the wordpad document*
Boyfriend: I should have seen that coming... like the penis gophers.

No, no, that's pretty flawed...

Boyfriend: Yeah, but we'd just drank a pot of coffee.
Me: Whose fault was that?
Boyfriend: Yours.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Well I made the coffee, and I drank it of my own free will, but... you're a witch.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: My logic is flawless!

How would that even...

TV: Why would you let erectile dysfunction get in the way...
Boyfriend: Well there are A LOT of things erectile dysfunction can get in the way of... painting, for example.

I have never wondered that...

Boyfriend: Sometimes in life, you just have to sit back, consider all your options, and wonder... 'Will my penis fit in there?' and 'Will I get it back?'

I don't think it was doing that in my toe...

Me: *removes a splinter from my toe* Ha! Fuck you splinter!
Boyfriend: Hey now, it's just doing its best... tryin' to raise some ninja turtles...

It's true

Me: We used to scare the shit out of Mom by making frog noises.
Boyfriend: Why?
Me: Because she's scared of reptiles and amphibians... or are you asking why we did it?
Boyfriend: No, I know why you did... but she's fucking bigoted against her own people. Self hate is the worst kind of hate.

No... no I don't think it could be...

Me: *poking boyfriend's groin*
Boyfriend: Why are you poking it?
Me: I just want to make sure it's a penis.
Boyfriend: Good point, it COULD be a fiddler crab. *humps* PINCH!