A little squishy, actually...

Me: I just had a thought.
Boyfriend: *wistfully* What was it like?

Dark lord of the hoodie!

Me: I'm going to put my hood back up, because it's bright in here.
Boyfriend: Aaaaw! Who's my little Darth Snuggly?

I don't even know what those ARE!

Boyfriend: Can I borrow your... lip squids?

No, no it hasn't...

Boyfriend: I really, REALLY want to go shower...
Me: Then do so?
Boyfriend: I can't! Because then Judge Judy will sneak in and steal my penis!
Me: ... No.
Boyfriend: It's been known to happen!
Me: No, it hasn't.

Truer words were never spoken

Boyfriend: Declaring something the 'world's most dangerous shark', is like declaring something the 'world's most bulletiest gun'! They're ALL dangerous! Even the ones that AREN'T dangerous are dangerous!

Sorry, the days got away from me

Me: We need to get back on a normal sleeping schedule.
Boyfriend: Yes, but the point I was trying to make was... Teddy Roosevelt was a carpenter ant.

No... just no...

Me: Kick! *kicks boyfriend*
Boyfriend: Oh no! I turn into a Bob Dole golem! It'd be called a Dolem... and it'd be made out of dolomite...