I don't want that at all!

Boyfriend: It's like a flavor explosion testicle!

Sounds about right...

Me: Your FACE is a display piece.
Boyfriend: Your MOM'S a display piece! 'Whores across history'.

Um... hooray?

Boyfriend: I'm squeezing a giant gonad of hot sauce!

It's very ANGRY lovin'

Boyfriend: All Morbo's lovin'...
Me: What if I don't WANT Morbo's lovin'?
Boyfriend: *deadpan* That is not an option.

Why cannibalism is a bad idea...

Me: Noooooo! You're gonna eat me!
Boyfriend: No, I wouldn't eat you... I'd get stuff stuck in my teeth.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: Like... splanc-tic ganglion.

He has a point, actually...

Me: I don't even know why I'm writing this...
Boyfriend: Your mother's a whore.
Me: ... Good answer.
Boyfriend: It's a good answer for most questions. "What time is it?" "Your mother's a whore." "What's for dinner?" "Your mother's a whore."

He's impervious to sarcasm sometimes...

Me: Oh wow, the directions are combine one cup water, one cup sugar, and boil until combined.
Boyfriend: Yes that IS pretty simple.
Me: *sarcastically* I wonder if that's why they call it that.
Boyfriend: Complex syrup involves psychic powers.

Um... apparently?

Me: Apparently you also need firm tofu to make a sour cream substitute.
Boyfriend: What do you need to kill the Batman? REALLY firm tofu?
Me: Yes.
Boyfriend: And to kill Superman, you need krypto-fu.

... Are you sure?

Me: I was going to say 'let's go to bed', but I was looking at something.
Boyfriend: Well this is what happens when you put Jimmy Buffet in a position of absolute power.
Me: *starts writing*
Boyfriend: Nooooo! If he finds out I said that, he'll destroy us all! Fear the Buff Man!

Seriously though... wtf commercials?

Boyfriend: *about a commercial* His confidence is a parasitic twin worm?
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: His confidence exists conjoined to his liver, as a parasitic worm to suck off nutrients.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: But can't the same be said for most kinds of confidence?

Um... no?

TV: When the waters cool down, the shrimp come to the surface...
Boyfriend: TO FEED ON THE FLESH OF THE LIVING!!!!

If... you say so?

Me: I don't think narwhals are greasy...
Boyfriend: Well they LOOK greasy.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? They're a huge unicorn/penis hybrid! You can't tell me they aren't covered in grease!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Sorry, I mean unicorn/SALMON/ penis hybrid... *looks up pictures* Or maybe lake trout...

That woudl make anyone's argument invalid, yes...

Me: *blinks at a commercial* OH! B-A-R-E! Bare-skin condoms...
Boyfriend: *stares* You know... even if I didn't use them, I think I'd have to have bear-skin condoms. *shakes fist* "My penis is wrapped in BEARS! Your argument is invalid!"

It's not the correctness I was debating...

Boyfriend: Just a spork full of goat piss makes the medicine come up...
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? You can't tell me it wouldn't.

What does that even MEAN?!

Boyfriend: Your mother is a polarizing squid dweomer.
Me: ... What?!
Boyfriend: Well apparently your mother is a polarizing squid dweomer. *shrug*

... Force brining?

Boyfriend: There's a light side of the force, a dark side of the force, and the pickle side.

Well known fact?

Me: *singing* Heart and soul... I fell in love with you, heart and...
Boyfriend: Spleen.
Me: ... Yes, because the SPLEEN is the most romantic organ.
Boyfriend: Exactly! I mean, if someone breaks your heart, you're sad, but if someone ruptures your spleen, you die.

I don't think that's a good motto...

Me: Oh, I didn't realize Iowa was quite that far out.
Boyfriend: Well Iowa IS surprising like that... It should be the state motto! "Iowa, we'll fucking sneak up on you!"

He apparently has trouble with sandwiches...

Boyfriend: *after eating a sandwich and drinking a glass of milk* You know... I went into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee...
Me: And made a pb and j sandwich and a glass of milk instead?
Boyfriend: Peanut butter, strawberry preserves, and pastrami... or maybe it was pepperoni... I don't know.
Me: *stares*
Boyfriend: It turns out I NEED the attention span the nicotine gives me.

Mangnish Weekend - I don't even know what he's talking about...

Boyfriend: I'm gonna open the... peccadilloes del pene de papaya.
Me: The peccadilloes of the penis of papaya?
Boyfriend: Yes.
Me: I don't remember buying that...

But... he says shit like that even WITHOUT the Nintendo...

Boyfriend: I love how old Nintendo games make you sound crazy, cause I'm like, "Aaaah! Fuck! Invisible birds in the sky!"

So you're saying... you went to Mickie D's?

TV: I had a heart attack AND a stroke!!!
Boyfriend: I had a heart attack, and a stroke, and some egg mcmuffins.

The omnipotent sandvich strikes again!

Boyfriend: I told you, I'm not in control of this sandwich. It calls the shots now.

Another reason not to let him cook...

Boyfriend: *looking very serious* I've lost control of this sandwich.