I don't think that's true...

TV: ... has weird sexual practices, the males lose their penis...
Boyfriend: Much like Republicans.

A petard is an explosive device...

Boyfriend: *playing minecraft, and blows himself up, launching him into the air* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I WAS JUST HOISTED BY MY OWN PETARD!!!!

I don't EVEN want to know...

Me: Babe, are you a serious infection?
Boyfriend: Nah, I'm more of a comedic infection... like getting a cut and having it get infected with Jerry Seinfeld.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? It's better than dick clowns.

Don't we all?

Boyfriend: I like my coffee, like I like my cats... full of cream and pressed through a fine sieve.

Delicious bribery...

Boyfriend's brother: *looking at a gingerbread house* I can see where light is passing through this roof, this gingerbread house wouldn't pass code!
Boyfriend: Yeah, you'd have to get in a bunch of little gingerbread contractors...
Me: They'd be delicious...
Boyfriend: And pay a bunch of little gingerbread bribes in order to get them to pass... it's just better to eat it.

Sadly, not.

Me: I think the next time I play through, I'm gonna play through as an elf.
Boyfriend: I think the next time I play through, I'm gonna play through as YOUR MOM!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Oh wait, there's no option to play through as an ogre.

THE PUNS!!!!!!!

Boyfriend: *singing* When the eel hits you in the face, and bites all over the place, that's a moray~