A little squishy, actually...

Me: I just had a thought.
Boyfriend: *wistfully* What was it like?

Dark lord of the hoodie!

Me: I'm going to put my hood back up, because it's bright in here.
Boyfriend: Aaaaw! Who's my little Darth Snuggly?

I don't even know what those ARE!

Boyfriend: Can I borrow your... lip squids?

No, no it hasn't...

Boyfriend: I really, REALLY want to go shower...
Me: Then do so?
Boyfriend: I can't! Because then Judge Judy will sneak in and steal my penis!
Me: ... No.
Boyfriend: It's been known to happen!
Me: No, it hasn't.

Truer words were never spoken

Boyfriend: Declaring something the 'world's most dangerous shark', is like declaring something the 'world's most bulletiest gun'! They're ALL dangerous! Even the ones that AREN'T dangerous are dangerous!

Sorry, the days got away from me

Me: We need to get back on a normal sleeping schedule.
Boyfriend: Yes, but the point I was trying to make was... Teddy Roosevelt was a carpenter ant.

No... just no...

Me: Kick! *kicks boyfriend*
Boyfriend: Oh no! I turn into a Bob Dole golem! It'd be called a Dolem... and it'd be made out of dolomite...

Dried squid usually HAS been pressed...

Boyfriend: I cleaned out the squid press.
Me: ... So you can press squids?
Boyfriend: Into squid coffee.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: You know, squid juice with just a little creamer in it.

If it was Chinese, would it be a moose?

Boyfriend: *trying to open a USB mouse* Get out of the plastic, you cheap Japanese whore!

Sabertooth tiger computers

Boyfriend: I'm still trying to discover all of the delicious computer secrets of the Smilodon.

This is why I don't let him cook...

Me: Want a piece of salami?
Boyfriend: I guess, I mean we don't have any pumpkin pie, but...
Me: *stare* ... Ew...
Boyfriend: What? It makes perfect gastronomical sense. Salami goes with pumpkin pie, and pepperoni with coffee.

DO NOT WANT!!!

Boyfriend: Lemme have a piece of pepperoni.
Me: No.
Boyfriend: But what will I put in my coffee?
Me: ... Creamer?
Boyfriend: Creamer and pepperoni.

Sadly accurate

Boyfriend: *playing with new computer case* I don't even know what these do...
Me: I don't even know what your FACE does!
Boyfriend: It's like your mom, it doesn't do anything, it's just THERE, and makes loud noises.

Er... right...

Boyfriend: *singing* Who shall wear, the gerbil skulls, oh god, show me the way. Oh psychos let's go down...

I don't think that's true...

TV: ... has weird sexual practices, the males lose their penis...
Boyfriend: Much like Republicans.

A petard is an explosive device...

Boyfriend: *playing minecraft, and blows himself up, launching him into the air* AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I WAS JUST HOISTED BY MY OWN PETARD!!!!

I don't EVEN want to know...

Me: Babe, are you a serious infection?
Boyfriend: Nah, I'm more of a comedic infection... like getting a cut and having it get infected with Jerry Seinfeld.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? It's better than dick clowns.

Don't we all?

Boyfriend: I like my coffee, like I like my cats... full of cream and pressed through a fine sieve.

Delicious bribery...

Boyfriend's brother: *looking at a gingerbread house* I can see where light is passing through this roof, this gingerbread house wouldn't pass code!
Boyfriend: Yeah, you'd have to get in a bunch of little gingerbread contractors...
Me: They'd be delicious...
Boyfriend: And pay a bunch of little gingerbread bribes in order to get them to pass... it's just better to eat it.

Sadly, not.

Me: I think the next time I play through, I'm gonna play through as an elf.
Boyfriend: I think the next time I play through, I'm gonna play through as YOUR MOM!
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Oh wait, there's no option to play through as an ogre.

THE PUNS!!!!!!!

Boyfriend: *singing* When the eel hits you in the face, and bites all over the place, that's a moray~

... Indeed?

Boyfriend: It's a vicious cycle... of a fish... a fishious cycle...

Don't forget piscine cats...

TV: I was chasing a feline cat.
Me: Yes, a FELINE cat, as opposed to a canine cat.
Boyfriend: Yes, you have to be specific, or else soon there'll be weasel cats, and badger cats, and airplane cats... and that's just not good for anybody.

That's... creepy

Me: *talking about typing* Well I don't keep my fingers in the proper place, I move them around.
Boyfriend: Yeah, I usually keep them attached to my elbows.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? I move them around.

... Why?

Boyfriend: I hope your all ducks with the bing-bong.

Thank you Dragon Age...

Me: NUG CRUSHER!!!
Boyfriend: Nug crusher?
Me: It crushes nugs.

She's the REAL archdemon...

Boyfriend: What bothers me the most about the radial menu is your mother's a whore.

And the new year starts with a butt...

Boyfriend: Butt swan.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: What? Butt swans are a major problem in this day and age.