He's stuck on butt holes, because butt holes stuck on him?

Me: I am not using toothpaste on my ear holes.
Boyfriend: At least it's only your ears.
Boyfriend's brother: As opposed to what?
Boyfriend: Using it instead of hemorrhoid cream.
Me: No!
Boyfriend: MINTY FRESH BUTT HOLE!

Why is he obsessed with things in people's butts?

Boyfriend: I'm gonna shower.
Me: Mm hm
Boyfriend: In your butt.
Me: No.
Boyfriend: But it's like that old saying! "Butt showers bring what the hell are you doing?"

Can't what...?

Boyfriend: I can't anymore... not even with the penis fish...

Worst. Warhead. EVER!

Me: Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor, my warhead punishes all.
Boyfriend: My warhead poops on cows.

Dragon Age presets... why?

Boyfriend: I'm going to sit here and stare at you... because MY mustache is MUCH finer than yours... and you KNOW it... deep in your heart.

Who wouldn't be?

Boyfriend: You were startled by the old duck man.

I don't know either

Boyfriend: I guess that's for when you wanna call a duck, slather it in mayonnaise, and then shave it.

Mangninsh Weekends - No... no one says that...

Me: *petting the cat* Cat bothering... or as they say in Spanish, "Molestando la gata."
Boyfriend: Or as they say in Mexican, not Spanish, "El gato con sofa!"

He keeps calling me that, too...

Me: *playing Skyrim* Ham shank? HAM SHANK?! You're lucky you're fucking IMMORTAL right now, or else I'd KILL YOU NOW, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
Boyfriend: Aaw... poor Ham shank.

Lava sharks

TV: I return to a volcano... erupting with sharks!
Me: That does NOT sound like a good place to go!
Boyfriend: Are you picturing a volcano just spewing great whites everywhere?
Me: Yes! With their mouths just gaping open...
Boyfriend: And lava in their mouths.
Me: *contemplates the full horror of that* My mind, baby! It is blown.

Kinda does, actually...

Boyfriend: Pork ball... that sounds like a name your mother would have...

CHEESE FOR EVERYONE!!!

Me: *doing a Thieves' Guild quest* Take all the valuable items? WHY AREN'T YOU POINTING AT THE CHEESE?!
Boyfriend: *laughs* It's udderly gold!
Me: ... I hate you...

I wouldn't want to play in that campaign...

Boyfriend: The only thing that came to mind was a campaign of pokeman, and not translating what they said.
Me: ... What?
Boyfriend: It's just be a whole campaign of 'Squirtle, Squirtle, Squirt!'

They'd be all squishy!

Me: I'm gonna do something to you.
Boyfriend: As long as it doesn't involve squids... or caltrops... or squidtrops.

Yes, we have no pregnant salsa

Boyfriend: Hey love, would you bring me that leftover jar of salsa... con... embarrassado?

They're not wooden, they're just... reserved...

Boyfriend: I'm... Dutch...
Me: You mean 'Dutch' as in German, or 'Dutch' as in wooden shoes?
Boyfriend: Wooden Germans.

Specificity helps A LOT!

Me: *hugs boyfriend*
Boyfriend: Your breath smells like seed.
Me: *stare* ...
Boyfriend: Fuck, what're they called... sesame seeds!

That's the truck NO ONE wants to see...

Boyfriend: You know what bothers me about that commercial? It advertises DISCREET delivery... What? Do other companies pull up outside your house in the giant 'Pee-hole Stick Truck'?!

What does that even sound like?!

Boyfriend: *hugging me and resting his ear on my head* I can hear you chewing.
Me: *eating a cracker* Mm.
Boyfriend: It sounds like a marble full of pee.
Me: *stops chewing*
Boyfriend: PeaS, dried peas! ... a balloon, not a marble... fuck!

None of that sounds appetizing...

Boyfriend: He sounds like he's trying to talk through a mouthful of oatmeal... and shit... shitmeal... or oatshit, either one.

Ain't that the truth?

Me: Well, have you thought about...
Boyfriend: *interrupts* Not much of anything.

They're not similar at all!

Boyfriend: Oh yeah, I forgot Uggle-shlub-bluh-blub is at the college.
Me: ... What?!
Boyfriend: You know, Uggle-shlub-bluh-blub, the... transcendental meditationist.
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Librarian! They're similar.

Oh Shadowmere, you so crazy... and homicidal

Boyfriend: He's like, 'Fuck it, I'm a horse, I'mma kill everything.'

I love Skyrim...

Video game: Huh? Who's there?
Boyfriend: Hi, my name's Dovah... Dovah Kiin. I'm new to the neighborhood. I just thought I'd stop by and SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE!

Um... When is that, exactly?

Boyfriend: Every now and then, you just have to give into temptation, and attempt to ride an elk.

Because she's a cat?

Boyfriend: Mona, how are you so adorable sometimes when you're just a fat sack of pudding-covered fur?

Is that like the dance of the seven hams?

Boyfriend: I don't want to do some weird arcane dance ritual of candy corn.

Oh D&D... the fun things that happen...

Boyfriend: I killed a guy by gluing a black bear to him.

It's true

Me: Shut up, I'm tired.
Boyfriend: Your mom's a tire.
Me: Heh, yeah.
Boyfriend: She's been around and around and around and around and around.

It's not just him

Boyfriend's brother: Damn theoretical kids! Get off my imaginary lawn!