He just doesn't know how to make anything better, does he?

Me: Well APPARENTLY I'm a car wreck, so...
Boyfriend: No, our RELATIONSHIP is a car wreck
Me: ......
Boyfriend's brother: He's all the bent metal bits.
Boyfriend: But it's the really GOOD kind of car wreck, You know like... a truck full of clowns and a truck full of sharks. You know, the ones you look back on and go "D'aaaaaaw..."

I thought that was when they were at their MOST evil though...

Boyfriend: Chads are evil too. Except when they're hanging.

I don't think it works like that...

Boyfriend: Jerk spices, for spicing your jerks!

Apparently I'm a car wreck... or a dead pet.

Boyfriend: Ah, we were officially a couple June 10th
Me: I don't care, I can't remember my birthday half the time.
Boyfriend: I know, it's just like being in a car wreck, you wanna know when it happened.
Me: O_________O
Boyfriend: I could have used the dead pet metaphor...
Me: O__________________O

I think they only do that when they'e Digletts...

Me: Fucking Dittos! How do they work?!
Boyfriend: They dig underground.
Me: *stare* ... DITTOS.
Boyfriend: Oh! Well, they're giant blobs of reproductive organs.

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: La naranja es muy embarassado.
Me: The orange is very pregnant.

Mangnish Weekends - Suddenly... PENIS!

Me: Well as a wise man once said, "Mi pene es muy fuerte."
Boyfriend: Con guapo!
Me: ... With handsome?
Boyfriend: Exactly.

...HOW do you even MAKE that mistake?!

Me: I realize now my mistake.
Boyfriend: You wore pudding instead of shorts?
Me: *stare*
Boyfriend: Don't worry, it happens to me ALL the time.

Wait... did he just call me crazy AND fat?

Me: Oh booger, I don't have a Fearow... *grins* I need to catch Firo to complete my pokedex!
Boyfriend: Oh fear, I need to catch a Boogerow
Me: >.< I was making a joke... you know, about Firo from Baccano!...
Boyfriend: Oooooh.
Me: >.> You don't love me.
Boyfriend: Aaaaw, I do so love you Crazy Lady.
Me: I'm not crazy!
Boyfriend: You're just big boned!

I'm not sure which of us he isn't listening to, me or himself...

Me: I love you.
Boyfriend: I love you too, mean lady.
Me: ... Why are you so mean to me?
Boyfriend: You are what you eat.
Me: ....
Boyfriend's brother: .......
Me: ....... WHUT?
Boyfriend: Think about it!
Me: No! My brain just gave up. That statement made NO sense.
Boyfriend: You will.
Me: ......... I'm not talking to you anymore.

For the record, he's NOT a nutritionist

Boyfriend: Well, butter muppets ARE part of a well balanced breakfast.

I honestly don't know what to say.

Boyfriend: My Siamese twin is weird.
Me: ... *edge away*
Boyfriend's brother: ... What?
Boyfriend: It could be a quantum Siamese twin, you know, it only exists when no one is looking... though I suppose the proper term would be conjoined quantum.
Me: ... *stare*
Boyfriend's brother: *can't breathe*
Boyfriend: Hey, what country used to be Siam?
Me: Thailand, I think?
Boyfriend: That's a hell of a jump to b known for... from twins to underage prostitutes... *grins* My Siamese twin is an underage prostitute!
Boyfriend's brother: *DIES*

Mangnish Weekends - How does that even WORK?!

Boyfriend: El bano esta mija.
Me: The bathroom (masculine) is (denoting temporary) my daughter.

Mangnish Weekends

Boyfriend: Son gato de naranja.
Me: 'They are cat of orange,' and that's the fruit, mind you, because there's a separate word for the color.

I'm sorry, I think I'll pass...

Boyfriend: Testicular explosions, it's what's for dinner!

... This worries me because I'm OFTEN the closest person to him...

Me: Close your eyes.
Boyfriend: No.
Me: *holding the camera tripod like a bat* Come on, close your eyes... don't you trust me?
Boyfriend: Well you see, every time I close my eyes, I have to poop on someone, and you're the closest person, so...

Who knew it annoyed people when you killed them?

Boyfriend: They don't like me now...
Me: Who woulda thought it?
Boyfriend: I know, who'd have thought running around blowing people up with dynamite would make them not like me?
Me: Anyone with a brain?
Boyfriend: And cottage cheese and Polermo.

But... it's NOT!

Me: Umbreon is so CUTE!
Boyfriend: Yes, you'd hardly suspect it's made out of marmalade.

~~~~

Look at this and tell me it isn't absolutely ADORABLE!

Of course, it all makes sense now...

Me: I REALLY don't know why you expect sense from me.
Boyfriend: Because you're a squirrel.

Mangnish Weekends - Is that... some kind of new insult?

Boyfriend: Son mantiquilla de gato!
Me: ... They are butter of cat.

Mangnish Weekends - This hand of mine is BURNING RED!!!

For those of you that are familiar with G Gundam, or Mobile Fighter G Gundam for long, I'm sure you'll recognize where this is going. For those of you that aren't, I'll explain... but only a little. Unlike most other Gundam series, as far as I can tell, this one in particular was for the lulz. The main character, Domon Kasshu has this little catch phrase that he often says during Gundam battles, "This hand of mine is burning red! Its loud roar tells me to grasp victory!"

In the spirit of the anime (i.e. for the lulz) I gave my boyfriend the task of translating that in Spanish. This is what we got.

Gundam fight ready?

GO!

~~~~~~~~

Boyfriend: El mano del mi son fuego de roja! Son las gitara de la victoria, mi dice que soy derrota.
Me: The hand of the me they are fire of red. They are the guitar of the victory, he tells me that I am he defeats.

Because.... those are... diametrically opposed?

Boyfriend: You have to use the OPPOSITE of electricity... BACON!

... Are they monkey cats?

Boyfriend: The cats... they have no bananas.

I'm pretty sure that's an improper use of puppies...

Boyfriend: *after watching a video where a puppy falls into a shallow storm drain* That's a good boy, bring me the shiny, bring me the shiny! Just eat it, we'll get it out of your poop later... you can carry more that way. I mean, sure you'll go blind, but who cares, you're a dog.
Boyfriend's brother: We'll get you a tiny set of dark glasses.
Boyfriend: And a tiny cane to chew on... and then people will GIVE you money!

I don't think he likes my mother...

Boyfriend: I think it's funny because your mom's face resembles the ass end of a donkey... Which is even funnier, since BOTH ends of a donkey are the ass end!

They're trying to kill me with the puns...

Boyfriend's brother: What's the problem with the hot glue gun?
Boyfriend: It doesn't get hot enough quick enough... like a Spaniard.
Boyfriend's brother: I dunno, I've never tried to heat a Spaniard.
Boyfriend: Well you have to start out small, so you'd need a cocker Spaniard.

Mangnish Weekends - Suddenly... PENIS!

Boyfriend: Mi pene se hace del Martes.
Me: ... "My penis is it made of the Tuesday."

Mangnish Weekends - He makes a good point.

Boyfriend: El gato de la... bano... I dunno.
Me: You know, it's not even that you say shit like "The cat of the bathroom," it's that you say "The cat of the (denoting feminine) bathroom (masculine word)"
Boyfriend: Well I think this just goes to show, I don't speak Spanish.
Boyfriend's brother: Do we really need to be shown that at this point?

Apparently they're diametrically opposed?

Boyfriend: No, that would not be delicious... in fact, I'd go so far as to say that would be the OPPOSITE of delicious... It would be Wendy's.

It IS a popular pastime...

Boyfriend: Now on the Wii, you can murder nature's beauty!

It SO isn't.... just so you know...

Me: My butt!
Boyfriend: Oh no, your butt! It's full of squid dandruff!